There's something wrong with Phoebe

5 - Father

I couldn’t believe they weren’t letting me see my own daughter. I’d waited six years, and never given up hope. I deserved to see her now before me. To know she was OK. All of my family were at our house, crying, laughing; celebrating. I sat impatiently in my usual chair as the television played a football match. I’d lost interest in the game since Phoebe had gone missing, since finding her was my only interest. I strummed my fingers on the arm of the chair, chewing on my lip.

Kayla was sitting on the sofa, staring into space whilst her boyfriend – I always forget his name – held her hand and chatted to my brother about the match. I wondered what was going through Kayla’s mind right now. She’d changed dramatically since Phoebe went missing. She’s almost tried to emulate Phoebe’s personality and appearance, as if she were desperately trying to make everything OK again and become Phoebe. In some ways, I’d preferred her before. She was cuter, and she talked to me more. But I believe she’s more confident this way, though I think it’s just that she fits into the general crowd more. How was she going to feel when the person she’d been trying to be to get rid of the empty feeling in our family suddenly took her place back? It was like a understudy getting to play the lead role for a few performances, and then going back to sitting in the dressing room, wondering when they’d get to perform again.

There was Thomas too, or Tom as I think he likes to be called now. He’d strayed away from me and his mother recently. How would he feel about the general dynamic of the family being disrupted again? I barely knew Thomas anymore. I’d been so focused on finding Phoebe practically on my own. What was I to do now that she was going to be back in our arms once again? I struggled to remember a life before Phoebe had been taken from us. The life I’d been fighting so hard to regain was one I could barely recall. A life where we all sat down to dinner together, and joked about Phoebe’s makeup. A life where Kayla’s grades were exemplary, and Thomas was a shy, retiring boy who still secretly liked to play with his train set. A life where I still had a loving relationship with my wife. I’d been working so hard to get back Phoebe, I’d possibly made that life impossible to access again. I’d watched my family change around me, and done nothing about it.

And what was Phoebe going to do? Would she be different? I guessed so. Teenagers change dramatically from the age of thirteen to nineteen. If she hadn’t been taken, she’d probably be at university right now. I wondered what course she’d have been studying. Did Phoebe know anything now? Was she going to be dumb? Could she still read and write? What were we to do with a nineteen year old girl we had not seen for six years? I sent these questions circulating around my head as I worried what Phoebe would be like now. It made me all the more nervous to see her, but even that would be shocking. How had her physical appearance changed? Would she be a skinny stick with gaunt eyes and pale skin? How would her body have matured? Would it have matured at all, given the way she may have been treated? That was the question that hurt the most. How had she been treated? No matter how hard I worked to find her, I’d never be able to work hard enough to make the experiences she’d had, in the time I hadn’t been able to find her, go away.

I’d imagined finding Phoebe again and her throwing herself into my arms, laughing that bubbly, explosive and catching laugh as she beamed at me, dressed in her school uniform, blonde hair as long as straight as ever, and her eyes shining. That would not be the Phoebe I would see. I started to shake a little, scared of the girl I was to meet soon. We’d have to start our relationship all over again. Would she remember all the times we shared? Would she remember me at all? Of course she would. I was her Dad.

I could not leave these questions hanging any longer. I stood up abruptly, meaning all eyes were drawn to me as I swayed slightly from the sudden movement. “I’m just…going for a drive.”

“Dad, do you want me to come with you?” said Kayla, making to get up. Her eyes showed her desperation. She knew what was happening.

“Sure,” I said. “I may pop down to the store as well. Get some beer.”