There's something wrong with Phoebe

25 - Phoebe

The journey back along the tunnel seemed a lot longer now I was making it alone with nobody to talk to. I seemed to hear noises amongst the eerie silence, but when I turned behind me, I saw nobody lurking in the shadows. I still didn’t understand how Jack had built this tunnel and the whole premises underground without anybody knowing. It was disgraceful he’d been able to do it.

The weight of the bomb in my hand felt heavier than ever before, and was menacing, as if it were hissing already. It felt like I was already counting down the hours I had left. My throat felt dry and I tried to gulp, but was parched though sweat still managed to trickle steadily down my face.  I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I did not notice the tunnel end in front of me, and bashed my face against the wall, falling back dramatically. It hadn’t even been that off-putting to me; I’d just felt the need to fall, just like my whole life had fallen all around me.

I got back up, brushing hair out of my eyes. My fringe had gotten too long and I’d meant to cut it. I stood up then, stretching my arms out to feel for the hole to get out of the tunnel. My fingers brushed against some metal, and I pushed, standing on tip toe, until I felt its weight on my arms. I pushed it to one side before pulling myself up and sliding out. I went to reposition the metal plate over the hole but grimaced, leaving it clearly to the side. I wanted somebody to find this.

It was getting darker now. Streetlamps had flickered on though they were not really needed yet. The mood around me was calm as people walked around in the town laden with shopping bags, and the conversation was quiet. I felt like everyone was watching me.

I had no real idea where I was going. I just needed to find a large area. I didn’t want to cause anyone else any harm. My mind then remembered the park near my house. I’d only gone there twice with Thomas and Kayla to eat ice cream. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart as I thought the names of my two siblings, and their faces flashed up in my mind.

I bowed my head as I continued to walk. I knew that must be the place. There was a field by the swings and the climbing frame. A large one too. I walked towards my house, daring to walk down the road which was mine. I stood for just a moment on the edge of the street, staring at my house. I saw just one light on, and could see through the study window my Dad, sitting at his desk, his head in his hands. I realised I was crying, and wiped a tear from my eye, before remembering I had nothing left to hide, and allowed the tears to fall.

I remembered all the happy memories I’d had in that house before my abduction. Before he’d taken everything from me. The memories of sitting at my desk, frowning at my homework for a couple of minutes before shutting the book and grinning as I punched in the number for one of my friends and lay on my bed, talking for hours. I remembered marvelling over pictures of boys in magazines, and watching the television with my family. I’d sat with my feet resting next to me, and Thomas had curled into my side when I was feeling kind. If not, I’d shunned him and he sat, slouched into the sofa, fidgeting every minute until I got so annoyed and screamed at him. I smiled as I remembered that, and then I remembered I wasn’t supposed to smile. Thomas was dead.

And then I saw before me an image of a girl I no longer knew. She’d gone long ago. Kayla, wearing her jumpers and boot leg jeans, hair natural and flat, face free of makeup and a few extra layers of fat on her bones than most. I hadn’t been able to comprehend why she hadn’t hated herself. She’d known I didn’t understand. And when I’d left, she’d changed herself to be just like me. It had almost pained me when I’d sen her that she had changed so much from the image I’d held in my mind for six years.

I dried my eyes, sniffing, as I tore my eyes away from my house for the final time and walked along the path and across the road that led to the park, swinging myself over the edge of the fence and landed neatly though my legs were shaking. I walked into the centre of the abandoned field, hearing my feet crunch against the grass unnervingly.