send.

selfish

     You do your best not to move as Jon finds consciousness beside you. It's hard not to flutter your lashes when you feel his breath ghost over you, knowing his tired eyes are flickering over your face, hard not to nuzzle into his hand when he runs his knuckles gently down your cheek. You stay still until the fingers unfold, pressing his palm to your face, thumb gently rubbing over it. You hold your breath for a few counts before letting out a soft sigh, turning your head into his touch.
     Would he be so gentle if he knew what you'd done?
     Best to keep it a secret.
     You're not sure why you feel so impartial to everything you've done, but the only sense of guilt you have is a slight gnawing in the pit of your stomach.
     Something is definitely wrong with you.
     You force the thoughts away as Jon's breath breezes across your skin, the blonde leaning in to bump his nose against your own, touching his forehead to yours. If you show any sign of disturbance, he'll know in an instant that something's wrong. If you don't even think about it, he'll never have a clue.
     It hurts you to lie to him, but you decide that it'd hurt more to lose him. You open your eyes and let a gentle smile stretch across your lips.
     "Hi," you whisper, raising a hand to place it over his where it lays on your face.
     "Hi," he murmurs back, his voice hoarse from sleep, and you're practically crosseyed from trying to see his eyes at such a close vicinity, but they're as beautiful as ever and it helps you push through the reluctance in the back of your mind. You focus on the bright, oceanic blue as you nudge his head upwards with your own so you can steal a kiss from his lips. Your eyes flutter shut, half out of habit and half from exhaustion.
     His mouth is gentle over yours, sweet and soft and clueless, and you know he'd never be able to kiss you like this if he had any idea what you did last night. Your lips falter against his, but he interprets it as tired fumbling, chuckling and nipping your bottom lip.
     You sigh slowly through your nose, trying to clear your head. If you don't get a handle on all of this panic, you'll be found out in no time. It's either fake it until it fades from memory, or give up now and lose Jonathan forever.
     The choice is obvious.
     You tangle your fingers in his hair, like you're afraid of him slipping away even now, and shut your eyes tighter, rolling over to put yourself on top of him. He seems content based on the sound he makes into your mouth, and you feel yourself smile in spite of the turmoil in your gut. Your lips move of their own accord, pressing frantically to his. When you feel his hands on your hips, you can't help but press them down into his own. He lets out a noise of surprise, his hips twitching upwards instinctively, and a laugh flutters out of your mouth as you tug at his lower lip with your teeth.
     You're caught off guard when his hand falls against your shoulder and he breaks away from you, head falling back against the pillows. You blink for a few moments before tilting your head in confusion, lip jutting out in a pout. He bursts out with a laugh, shaking his head.
     "You're awfully eager today. We just woke up." His hair falls messily around him in a blonde halo atop the pillows, revealing the brown roots beneath. He wears a lazy grin on his face that reaches all the way to those breathtaking eyes, crinkling them at the corners. He looks so in place, like this is where he belongs, where he should stay forever.
     If only he could.
     "Well, I was just thinking about how we only have three days left," you begin, fiddling with a strand of his hair. You leave out the part about trying to escape your overwhelming thoughts. "I guess I got a little out of hand..." You trail off, looking away.
     His hand is suddenly on your face, turning your eyes back to him, and he bites at his lower lip, failing at hiding a wider grin.
     "I'm not saying I didn't like it, Sock, because I definitely did." You can't help but laugh, turning your head to kiss the center of his palm. "I'm just saying it was a little out of the blue."
     "I like out of the blue," you murmur, glancing sideways at him, a wicked grin spreading on your face.
     "Oh really?" He raises an eyebrow. You nod silently, biting your lip.
     Suddenly, you're rolling over, and you gasp in surprise before he lands on top of you, elbows on either side of your head. You blink up at him, watching the smirk form on his lips, before laughing and covering your reddening face with your hands.
     Your mind is blissfully full of Jonathan and nothing else, Jonathan and his hypnotic eyes and beautiful voice and adorably messy bedhead and big, gentle hands as one slides down your side. A mindless grin crosses your features as you tilt your head back and laugh, wiggling underneath him as his lips attack your neck.
     Everything will fall into place - at least, that's what you tell yourself. All you can do for now is go along with things like you always do. No sense in getting yourself caught, is there?
     So you let Jon make a trail down your throat with his lips, let your breath hitch when he bites down at the place where your neck curves into your shoulder, let your body shiver when his hand creeps under your shirt, cold against your warm skin, let your hips rock up against his when he pushes down. He's good to you, so much better than you deserve, but you let yourself pretend that you deserve it all, let yourself be showered in kisses and attention and gentle affection.
     You're not sure how much later it is, but you're eventually curled up against Jonathan's chest, your back to him, and his arms are familiar and secure around you. One of your hands is loosely interlocked with his, and you toy with his fingers as you stare at a spot in the wall. You shudder slightly when his lips press against the back of your neck.
     "What's on your mind?"
     His voice is soft, but the question throws you for a loop. Your mind is pretty empty right now, because you've managed to corral all of the offensive thoughts into one dark, far-away corner, but that's not a suitable answer. You let the silence hang for a few moments before giving his hand a gentle squeeze.
     "You."
     "You've already used that one, you sap," he snickers, pulling you closer and nuzzling against your shoulder, into the crook of your neck.
     "Still true," you mumble, bringing his hand gently up to your lips, brushing them over his knuckles as you speak. "You're always on my mind."
     "Gag. I'm about to get diabetes from all of this sugar."
     "Shut up, you dick." A grin twists your lips up as you reach back to whack him lightly on the head. He bites you again, earning a soft yelp.
     "That's not what you were saying twenty minutes ago."
     "I was under the influence. Intoxicated by the fumes of pure assholery coming off of you."
     "You sound like me," he laughs, burying his face in your hair. "I like it."
"I sound like an idiot," you laugh, shaking your head. He hushes you softly, nuzzling you.
"A cute idiot."
"Oh, who's the sap now?"
"Shut up," he grumbles, though you can hear the grin in his voice, "or I'll bite you again."
"Oh, god knows we've had enough of that this morning," you murmur, raising a hand to rub at your neck, unable to see them but well aware of the pattern of dark marks that lay there. He squeezes you tighter, breath blowing over the back of your neck.
"I like them. They look good on you."
"I thought I was the possessive one here." He hums in response, and you can practically hear the gears turning in his head as he thinks over his response.
"I'unno. I like the idea of people knowing about us. Knowing we're not 'just friends' anymore." He falls silent for a moment, and you feel a sense of warmth fill your stomach. "We went through that circle of hell for long enough." You turn around, and he loosens his arms to accomodate you, looking down at you curiously.
"You want everyone to know I'm yours?"
He gnaws at his lower lip, tugging you against his chest. Your head rests under his chin, and you let your hands wander over his bare chest, feeling him shiver under your touch.
"I guess, but... I don't know. I don't want you to belong to me. S'not like that. I just... like the way they look on you. Like knowing I put them there."
"I like it when you do."
"Really?" He seems genuinely surprised, and you can't help but laugh.
"Do you think I'd let you leave so many if I didn't?"
"I don't know!" he laughs into your hair. "I never really asked first! It's not like I ever explicitly went, 'Hey, Sock, is it alright if I give you a massive bruise on your throat with my mouth? Just for shits and giggles?'."
"Well, consider this my permission then," you giggle, pressing your face into his chest. His hands rest on the small of your back, pleasantly firm. "Leave as many as you want."
"I don't think you wanna go that far."
"And why not?" you inquire, leaning back to look up at him curiously.
"Because if I had it my way, you'd be totally covered from your jaw all the way down to your thighs."
"Ouch."
He laughs again, cradling you close and nudging your forehead with his nose.
"Take a nap. You look tired."
The idea of sleep seems surprisingly thrilling, and permission makes it easy to instantly curl yourself into him. You feel its grasp already creeping up on you, and the comfort of Jon's hold makes it impossible to resist. You drift off almost instantaneously, feeling his hand rubbing comforting circles on your back.
But not before a familiar voice speaks up in the back of your head.
You're afraid of hurting him, but you're too selfish to let him go.
It scares you to think that she was right.

((note: yay finally an update! i've had like zero time to write here in dallas bc cheer is ridiculously time-consuming but i woke up hella early today on a day when we were allowed to sleep in so here you go! i know it's not much plot progression but i wanted to make sure you guys saw how sock's brain was working with all of this. it's a bit jarring to go from something so disturbing to affection and cuddles, but that's the point. he's almost numb to what he's done. i hope i communicated that well enough. i'll try to update more frequently when i get home, because we're leaving tomorrow night. thank you so much for reading ❤️))