The World Is Ugly (Phan)

1: Dreaming or Sinking

A/N: Inspired by "Dreaming or sinking" by Hotel Books
TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of rape

Dan P.O.V.

I sat uncomfortably on the couch as I stared blankly at the TV. I turned to my left to see Joanna, my left arm wrapped around her waist as her head laid on my chest. I couldn't feel my left arm anymore but she looked way too comfortable to move away. I looked past her blonde hair to see Phil and Alexis in a similar, but more comfortable position. Her head laid softly on his shoulder as both of his arms wrapped around her body.

They looked cute, perfect. It sickens me.

Don't take it wrong, I'm not against their relationship or anything. Hell, I've never seen Phil happier. They never fight, they are never mad at each other for anything. You will always see them together, smiling and being all sweet. It almost gives me diabetes every time I hear them giggling or see them hugging. And no, I'm not any kind of love Grinch or something, I just can't understand how they can be so perfect for such a long time. I mean, two years seems like an eternity being so close to one person. I can't really imagine myself in that situation with Joanna. Eight months ago we were introduced, Joanna being Alexis' best friend quite ironically. I invited her out for sushi, and of course she hates fish so we just sat awkwardly in the booth drinking lemonades. Then she apologized and mentioned how she always gets herself in awkward situations, and that's when I knew she would understand me. We've been together since then and even though it hasn't been the best time of my life, i still use her as justification for my lies.

We were all cuddled up in mine and Phil's living room watching some crappy romance movie, to which I wasn't paying any sort of attention. I was just thinking, and as dangerous as it sounds it was taking me to a dark place so instead I just looked around trying to find something else to focus on. A sudden wave of pain climbing up my arm made me shift uncomfortably in my seat.

"Are you ok?" Joanna turned to me and whispered in my ear trying not to disrupt the couple next to us. I cringed at the sound of her voice way too close to me and just nodded. I quickly moved my arm from around her waist and instead wrapped it around her shoulders. She kept looking at me with a very annoyed look.

"I'm sorry, my arm hurts" I whispered back. She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the T.V.

I'm sorry. Most of the time I feel stupid, ignorant to what's going on inside her head, her heart. It's been eight months and the only i love you's we've exchanged feel like they've been messily drawn in the air, fading away with her patience. For some reason I'm not good enough but she still has hope in me. Hope for what? I wish I had the answers to all the questions that haunt me at night when I'm trying to sleep. And I wish I could point at the voices that ask this questions, because most likely they have the answers but they enjoy watching me lying to myself everyday when I say that this is what I want. But in reality not even I know what I want, and I don't know what I'm denying and what is truth.

I know I can't throw away the feeling of fake happiness she brings with her everyday because that's the only thing keeping me from collapsing in loneliness. But if I had other options I would break up this fake façade I've carefully built to misguide any doubt anyone could have on me.

Still, I haven't hanged out with any other friends for a while. I'm starting to think they've forgotten about my existence, or maybe they think I'm too happy to be disrupted, that she's enough social contact for now, when in reality I wish I could have any other source.

Ever since Phil and Alexis started dating he changed. He became a vegetarian because she's a vegan. He stopped playing video games late at night just to hang out with her or talk to her on the phone. He's barely even home, always hanging out at her apartment. And I was left alone with no one to talk to about the thoughts that slowly made their way into my head, without someone to laugh with, without someone to live with. And then he must've noticed, because they introduced me to Joanna and I hoped that maybe I could learn to love her and maybe she could help me feel alive again. But she's just made things worse, reminding me of my flaws whenever she can and making me say things I don't want to say. Now I lay in my bed every night trying to block out the voices that scream at me, trying to get me to change.