The World Is Ugly (Phan)

3. Open Cage

I thought that, now that Joanna was gone, i could finally have some free time for myself. Try to get my shit together and heal myself from all the damage but oh i was wrong.

Of course you were wrong you stupid little shit.

As soon as Joanna left the voices decided to not let their darkness get limited by daylight. I was suddenly drowning in a sea of loud, harsh words saying nothing more than raw truths. At first i was scared, overwhelmed, but then the all-too-familiar feeling of numbness returned and i was back inside my small bubble of i-don't-give-a-fuck. The slight feeling of relief that the feeling had brought was soon taken away from me as Phil started to show his concern regarding my new attitude. 

~Flashback~

I was lying in bed staring blanckly at the wall when there was a knock at the door. I sighed and slightly sat up in my bed.

"Come in" I said, my voice raspy from barely talking for a couple of days.

"Hey Dan" said Phil as he walked into my room holding a plate and a glass in his hands. "I brought you some pizza and Ribena to cheer you up" he placed both the plate and the glass in my bedside table and sat next to me on my bed.

"Thanks" 

He sighed and looked at me. "Dan... I know it's hard for you to be away from Joanna... I don't know what i would do if Alexis left for a couple of days, i can't even imagine how weeks would be like but you can't just sit around and do nothing"

I sighed. Oh he's so wrong... so so wrong but i can't let him think otherwise. I looked at him and nodded. 

He sat up from my bed. "Eat your food and go take a shower, we're leaving to PJ's in an hour" and he left the room.

Fuck. Joanna said i couldn't go out or talk to anyone. Fuck fuck fuck. What do i do?! I can't tell Phil i don't want to go because he'll know something's up. He knows me so well i'm surprised he hasn't said anything else. I guess he's just too caught up with Alexis to even care that much about me.

I decided to text Joanna.

*Texts*

D: Phil wants to go to PJ's 

J: You can't

D: What should i tell him?

J: Idk that's up to you, bitchface.

D: Ok

*End of texts*

I could do anything. I could follow Joanna's orders and keep myslef safe or just go out with Phil. I was inside an open cage, free to go but too scared to leave.

I sighed and walked out of my room into the living room where Phil was fully dressed watching rome random movie.

"Phil?" he looked up at me and frowned when he saw me still in my sweatpants and baggy shirt.

"Yes? Why aren't you ready?" 

"I... Joanna asked me to skype in ten minutes and i really want to talk to her" Wow that was harder than i thought. I'm not the best actor but i guess he believed me because he gave me a small smile and nodded.

"It's ok, i understand. I'm sure PJ will understand too" I gave him a small fake smile.

"Thank you"

"It's nothing... anyways i gotta get going" He said as he stood up from the couch, grabbed his keys, phone, wallet, and headed towards the front door "See you in a bit"

~End of flashback*

I can't blame him though, i can't remember the last time i had a propper night sleep or a complete meal. I just can't bother myself, and as selfish as it sounds, i cant find any other justification than the one even i am tired of using: i can't be bothered. The voices won't let me do anything without screaming at me anyways.

That's right you worthless piece of shit.

I sighed as i opened my eyes after a very troubled night sleep. I sighed as i remember i had to put up a video. Joanna has been messaging me, telling me to stay in my room and don't talk to anyone and i can't help but do what she says. I can't ignore her, Satan know what she would do when she comes back. 

You're pathetic. You're going to end up living the rest of your life in a locked room, like a circus animal being forced to do whatever she wants. And all becuase you can't stand up for yourself. 

I know.

And you won't be able to live your dreams.

I know.

You are going to sink and there's nothing you can do about it. Your friends, family, your fans, everyone will look at you in disappointment as Joanna holds you hand as if it were a leash, holding you back from what you really want.

Please stop.

And most importantly, he will never love you the way you've been craving for for so long.

"STOP" 

I heard frantic footsteps across the hall followed by the cringe-worthy squeak of my bedroom door opening. There, standing by the doorway was a very scared-looking Phil. 

"What the fuck was that?! Are you ok?"

I wish he didn't care, it would make things so much easier. I would be able to ignore reality and live in my own head, create my own reality. He's the anchor that keeps me from going completely crazy.

Sometimes i wish he leaved me. He could move in with Alexis, get married and have a happy life without me dragging him down with me because he doesn't deserve that and it hurts me more than anything to see the glint of worry that fills his eyes everytime he looks at me. But other times i wish he stayed with me and dragged me up with him. I wish we could be happy, together. We could keep working in our dreams, grow big, become something. 

You know that's nothing more than a stupid idea of yours. He would never even dream of helping you out of your self-induced misery. He just shows he cares so people dont think wrong of him but really, who would even care to even think about helping you?

"Dan?"

He doesn't care.

He does.

He doesn't. Don't try to fool yourself.

I couldn't breath. I felt as if someone was squeezing my throat blocking my airways. I looked up at the white ceiling in panic as the voices laughed at me, making fun of the fact that i couldn't even control myself. The ceiling started to get higher and higher and i thought the room was expanding upwards, making it's way towards the sky and reaching the gates of heaven. But the everything became dark and i realized it was me who was sinking to the deep gates of hell.

And suddenly everything went black.

A/N: I know it's a very short chapter but i couldn't think of a way to make it longer. Anyways i hope you enjoyed it :)