The World Is Ugly (Phan)

2: Selfish

~ Dan P.O.V. ~

I have this tendency of having selfish, dangerous thoughts. I think about leaving all responsibilities, running away to nowhere and wait for the end, but I know I don't own the guts or the strength to do so. I know, that sounds like an extremely cheesy movie plot that teaches you about life and shit, but I, like any other human being, can only dream to have a movie plot life.

Most people think that having this kind of selfish thoughts is immoral, a sin, but really, who doesn't have them from time to time? We live in a world where breathing can be stressful and building a status of peace and happiness is a task that can take most of your life to complete. They say that the moments that lead you through that path are special and you should treasure each and every one of them because they help you build the person you want to become. But is it really worth it? Is that happiness worth all the pain and sadness? All your anxieties and insecurities? Maybe I'm just looking at the wrong side of the page but I also have a tendency to do so.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't born. Is that selfish?

Selfish [adj.] Lack of consideration for other person(s), action(s) or motive(s) regarding the concern of one's own personal profit or pleasure.

If I hadn't been born then nobody would be affected by my non-existence. No one has any idea of what could've happen without me, perhaps other human being taking my place in time and space. There would be no I, just a blank space covered by something else. No thought, no struggle, no presence, no something. A hard thing to imagine but something to help me push away the hurtful thoughts that threatened to take over my mind.

Not existing wouldn't benefit me in the past, present or future, but it would benefit others'. A whole world of open possibilities for everyone that has ever been part of my life. The numerous mistakes I've ever done would fade into nothingness, everything would be filled by either a hidden blankness, or taken by another human. So it isn't selfish.

Would it also be selfish if I wished not to wake up that next morning?

I opened my eyes and winced at the shock of pain that ran through my body as I tried to sit up. The memories from last night flooded my brain, infecting my senses and leaving me completely defenseless as I contemplated the white wall opposite from my bed.

How could I'd been so stupid? I could've fought her off! Take the knife from her, call de police, something! But instead I just laid there accepting the cruel fate she had decided for me.

Why? Why would she react that way? Why would she do that?

"YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. YOU WERE JUST USING ME, WERENT YOU?! YOU DONT LOVE ME, NEVER DID. YOURE PATHETIC DANIEL. I HOPE YOU FUCKING ROT IN HELL ASSHOLE" her voice from last night echoed in my ears and played over and over again like a broken record.

Was I really that obvious? She found out I was using her, that everything I said was a lie. I thought I was being careful, that no one could see through my façade, through my lies. But clearly I was wrong. I don't know how I thought I could get away with that. Maybe, deep down I knew I could get caught at any moment, but I never thought her reaction could be as bad.

She's possessive, taking my life and melting it into hers so she could control it. Not caring about my objections, my opinions or my thoughts. But that's exactly what I was looking for, someone to take control of the fragments of life I had left, someone to tell me what to do, what to say, as I was too worn out from expressing and hiding my emotions and thoughts.

I stood up, ignoring the pain, and walked to the bathroom. I turned the shower on, not daring to look at myself in the full length mirror on the opposite wall. The apartment felt cold and empty, goosebumps appearing on my skin as I stepped in the hot water. I don't know how long I stood there thinking about everything and nothing all at once but when I got out the warm sun of the afternoon was gone and clouds littered the sky as it got darker.

I don't remember much of that day. I just remember feeling so empty on the inside as I tried to carry all the guilt and self pity over my shoulders.

I knew I couldn't stay like that forever. I had things to do, places to go. I couldn't care about myself. Instead I decided to keep helping the world work and evolve, leaving myself behind and living in an empty, emotionless shell for the rest of my days.

The next day at around 3 pm there was loud knocking on the door. I pulled the sleeves of my cardigan down and proceeded to open the door. There stood Phil and Joanna. I silently stepped aside letting them in. I looked down as soon as I felt Joanna's cold stare and closed the door carefully, trying to keep the tension in the room from collapsing.

"I texted you like ten times trying to tell you I would stay at Alexis' but you never answered" said Phil, walking to the kitchen.

"I also tried to text and call you. Why didn't you answer?" Joanna said with a cruel, cold smile on her face.

"I ummm couldn't find it" I said softly, my voice raspy from not talking. Suddenly I felt something hit me on the shoulder and fall on the living room carpet with a small thud. I looked down to my phone and back up at Joanna who still had that sickening smirk on her face.

"You sound sick, are you ok?" Phil asked, walking out of the kitchen holding two glasses, giving one to Joanna.

I cleared my throat, not daring to lift my gaze from the carpet. "Yeah, it's just a cold"

"Well if you need me I'll be in my room" he said, walking down the hallway.

I heard the door to his room close and froze. Why is Joanna here? I thought she dumped me?

"You thought I was gone, huh" she said, standing in front of me "Well you're not getting rid of me that easily" she placed a hand under my chin and harshly lifted it up so I was looking at her. I tried to avoid eye contact but she wouldn't let me.

"You can't tell anyone what happened" she whispered, her voice cold and full of anger "or else"

In other circumstances I would ask her "Or else what?" But right now I don't exactly fancy the idea of her killing me. After all, everything she's doing, the way she reacted, it's all my fault. I have to man up and take responsibility for everything I caused.

I gave her a small nod and she let go of my face. I felt her eyes pierce through my body as she stared at me. What does she want now?! I could feel my hands start sweating and my knees shaking softly. If I wasn't afraid of her before, I'm pretty sure I am now.

"I have to leave for a couple weeks" she finally said after what felt like hours. "I have some work shit to do at Germany. Meanwhile I don't want you talking to anyone. And I mean A N Y O N E. Not even Phil. Understood?"

I couldn't dare to look away from her so I just nodded and kept my mouth shut. She may have hurt me both physical and mentally but I'm willing to let her control my life. At least I'll have someone else worry about my own problems. But that's just how selfish I am.

A/N: I KNOW I TOOK TOO LONG BUT HERE IT IS. I've been too busy with school and stuff :( But I'll try to update more often I promise :3