The World Is Ugly (Phan)

4. Sick

I slowly opened my eyes, slightly shocked that i couldn't see anything. I blinked rapidly trying to get my eyes used to the darkness. Once i could make something out of the shapes hidden in the dark i noticed i was still in my room. Was it all just another fucked up dream? 

I knew Phil had stopped caring. I'm sure he has more important things to do other than caring about the helpless lump of self-pity that i've become. Caring about Alexis, for example. I wish someone cared about me as much as he cares for her. I know i have my parents and maybe my brother, but the fact that they're my family makes it seem more like they're forced to care about me, giving it a faux façade that everyone was forced to believe and i don't want that. I want someone who, just by being there, can make me feel better. I want someone to tell me things are going to be ok even when they're not, i want someone to give me hope and light up the darkness inside me. 

I curled up on my side and covered my entire body in the warm bed sheets,  closing my eyes tightly and hugging myself while waiting patiently for the voices to start yelling, tormenting me like every night. 

...

Silence. 

A few minutes passed and i slowly lifted the covers off me. That's when i heard the soft breathing. There was someone in my room. I sat up in my bed and looked around, desperately trying to find the source of the sound and praying it wasn't a burglar, or worse, Joanna.

But my worries were replaced by confusion as i finally saw Phil sat at my desk sleeping in what must be the most unconfortable position ever. 

What is he doing here?! Why is he here?!

I cleared my throat trying to wake him up. Once, twice, thrice, nothing. 

"P-Phil?" I said, my voice coming out harsh instead of the soft tone i was going for. "Phil?" I repeated, a bit softer and louder.

He finally groaned and stretched. "Dan?" he said in his raspy morning voice i've come to fall in love after all this years living together.

And then something must've clicked in his mind as he suddenly stood up and turned the lights on. "Dan are you ok?!" 

No.

I squinted my eyes as i tried to get used to the sudden bust of light that drowned my room. I heard Phil walk towards my bed and sit on it, facing me. "Dan? What happened last night? You fucking scared me! I-I thought you were dying or something!"

Well i sure as hell felt like i was dying. I looked up at him and internally cringed at the worry in his eyes. Does he care?

Of course he doesn't.

Great! The voices are back. I was scared they wouldn't come back, i would be so lost without their hurtful words.  All this sarcasm is making me want to stab myself in the face.

You should. Trust me, it won't hurt anyone.

"I-I don't know" I said, my voice shaking.

You're such a fucking pansy.

"You don't?! What the fuck is going on with you Dan?!" he stood up from my bed and started walking back and forth in my room "You barely eat, you're always in your room and everytime i ask you if you want something you take long to respond" he stopped walking and sighed, turning to me. I looked up at him keeping my expression as empty as i felt inside. 

He's just here for the gossip. No one really cares about you.

"Dan... do you really miss Joanna that much?" oh fuck no! I so desperately want to tell him the truth but i can't. I'm affraid of what could happen, what he would think of me and what Joanna would do.

HA! If he only knew. But wait! He'll never fucking know how much of a fucking pussy you are.

"I-I don't-" 

"Of course you do!" He cut me off "You need to calm down. Maybe skype with her again? It's not healthy to be so attached to someone" says the one who spends at least one hour in the phone with Alexis.

Consider it as a compliment. At least he's not saying the truth so he doesn't feel bad for hurting you. Because that's all your existance is, really, just a big sack of pity.

"Yeah..." 

"Ok now that everything's good I'm going to bed. That chair is really unconfortable to sleep on"

~~~

Joanna came back a week later, much earlier than i thought she would. 

As soon as she stepped into the appartment Phil decided to leave to Alexis'. But he made sure to tell Joanna about my 'weird behavior' and Joanna got mad. 

"You fucking idiot! Why are you so fucking stupid?! I specifically told you NOT TO TALK TO ANYONE. And the first fucking thing you do is talk to your poor excuse of a friend. You're fucking pathetic"

Then the same cicle form last time repeated. Screams, pain, numbness and darkness. And this time i couldn't even distinguish the difference between her and the voices. It was like they both morphed into the same monster.

But just like last time i didn't do anything against it. I just laid there and took it all, accepting it because she's right, i deserve it.

And i thought this would be it, forever. But like always i was so, so fucking wrong.

I woke up the next day, still in a lot of pain, to someone shaking me. I groaned and opened my eyes which were inmediately met by a ver distressed Joanna. And if i only knew what was about to escape her lips i would've braced myself, perhaps even cover my ears so her words wouldn't reach them, making the statement just a guess from my fucked up mind. But there was nothing i could do when the words left her reality and entered mine, leaving me feeling sick.

"I'm pregnant"

A/N: phan_4 pls don't kill me.