The World Is Ugly (Phan)

5. Not ready

At first i thought she was lying. I looked at her in the eyes and shook my head no, desperately trying to deny the words escaping her lips and the acid tears falling from her eyes. But then she pulled out three pregnancy tests, all positive. And i just stared at them, my head trapped inside a dense fog that wouldn't let me think straight as the voices in my head chanted a desperate chorus of "no's" and making me feel like i was about to drown in the sea of emotions i have desperately tried to hide for so, so long.

"I-I'm sorry" I froze. I was not expecting those kind of words from her, i wasn't expecting anything other than screams and punches and pain and- "I'm so sorry"

I kept eye contact with her, barely able to breath, hoping she would answer all the questions in my head.

"This is all my fault... I-I was only trying to keep you all for myself" she said, her voice barely a whisper as she looked down "I was so jealous of Alexis and Phil and how perfect they looked together and i wanted us to be like that but you weren't helping. They would go out on dates and spend hours talking on skype whenever they weren't together and you barely even texted me! I-i felt so alone and rejected so i tried to force you into spending time with me and you did... i thought this was how it was destined to be. But now... now i fucked that up for us. I'm sorry"

"No" the word slipped from my lips. She looked up at me, confussion all over her teary eyes. "No...I-I'm sorry"

I paused, trying to figure out the right words to say. "I'm sorry i let you do those things, i'm sorry i wasn't strong enough to say no because that's not how couples work" I sighed and looked down, trying to swallow the tears that threatened to fall as the thoughts that haunted me at night left my lips, transforming into something real. "I was selfish... i thought you could clean up the mess in my life and i wouldn't have to worry about anything other than doing whatever you told me to. I tried to go through the easy path and i got lost in the way. And now we're here..."

There was another silence, both of us trying to process the situation. What are we going to do now? I can barely take care of myself! How am i supposed to take care of a child?! My child?! Do we have to get mar-

"We can't tell anyone" said Joanna, breaking the silence.

"B-but what are we going to do with the baby?" I asked as i rubbed my eyes, trying to get rid of the tears building up.

"I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm going to get an abortion"

"B-but-"

"No, Dan. I have to, we have to. We can't let a stupid baby get in the way of our lifes, at least not now. Your youtube career is growing so fast and the company in Germany accepted to pay for my project, this baby has to go"

~~~

I spent the next few days thinking a lot. I still wouldn't bother on eating or sleeping and it started to show as the bones in my hips were sticking out more than usual on my oversized black shirt that matched with the bags under my eyes.

I was laying in bed, waiting for Joanna to call as she was at a medical clinic getting her abortion. She didn't want me to go with her saying it would be easier if she went by herself. Of course i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone in case they got too suspicious of my odd behavior. Luckily Phil was out with Alexis so i was by myself in our cold, empty apartment.

And as i lay there staring at the ceiling i started to slip into an unconscious sleep. I closed my eyes for a second, and when i opened them again i was standing in a dark hallway. I looked around, there was a faint light at the end of the hallway. I followed it, and as i got closer i started to hear whispers. They grew louder and louder as i reached the light and as soon as i go there it stopped.