Feeling or appearing troubled or nervous; to feel disturbed
It's not like she cares that they're only ever going to be friends. It's obviously better that way anyway. She just feels lost, like she's out in open space with nobody to talk to and nothing to do. She feels helpless and lost and frustrated and confused and angry and heartbroken all at once. She feels like her heart is drowning in self-pity, but at this point, self-pity is the only thing that makes her feel even remotely better.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
It's as if she almost wants to blame him for her slow and painful deterioration as a person. Her soul is slowly withering away as he chips at what little is left of her. He already has her heart and it seems as if he has no intention of giving it back, he stole her smile, he took away the gleam that everyone thought was permanently embedded in her used to be breathtaking but now dull eyes, and he took any ounce of energy that she had left. She was a walking skeleton; she sure as hell didn't feel alive, yet anyone could easily feel her pulse as her heart was still oddly beating.
She is completely drained of every little thing that made her who she was, who she used to be, who she wishes to be again. She became a robot; she no longer felt any emotion towards anything or anyone, she only occasionally laughed, but her laughs weren't the same at all. They used to be genuine and meaningful, but now they're bitter and equivocal. She's not the same person she used to be, and it had only been three months. He managed to completely change her in only three short months. She was still confused in the back of her mind about how all of this happened. It was all still a blur.
She was simply infuriated and immediately agitated whenever her mind wandered over the topic of him; she didn't know where they went wrong. She keeps wracking her brain, looking for any signs that this was happening, but that never worked in her favor as that meant reliving their memories which was too excruciatingly painful for her to handle. The memories brought on a whirlwind of emotions; she would laugh and smile and cry and grow frustrated and angry and wish that she'd never met him in the first place then cry just thinking about a life without him. She is a mess.
She is an old building, rusty and barely being held together. She was slowly caving in on herself as he was a hurricane set on a destructive path that eventually led to him breaking the old building into pieces, left for someone else to pick up the billions of pieces if that was even possible at this point. There are too many pieces to resurrect her now. She feels gone, like the reflection she sees in the mirror is a completely different person; it's like she never existed in the first place.
My mind is shipwrecked and I can't find a life vest. I am a hopeless soul with nowhere to go.
He ruined her and he hasn't even bothered to notice yet. She's drowning fast and she needs a life vest, but all she can find are anchors that only drag her down more. So she's lost and troubled, and nobody has even noticed.
I'm not the same girl that I used to be.
