I Ate the Apple

Chapter 10

I'm sitting on my couch with a giant glass of coffee in my hand, staring blankly at the wall.

I hear my front door open and shut, and then footsteps, and then Channing sits down next to me.

On the wall, there's a photo of Kathryn and I. We were at some stupid party in college and there was shit in the trees and we had to get it down and whatever team got the most down first won a hundred dollars. In the photo, I'm on Kathryn's shoulders.

That was the only photo from the college where we both looked genuinely happy.

That's gone now.

I mean, I've got Channing again, but I'm so unhappy.

On Christmas Day, I got in a huge fight with my Aunt and Uncle because I called my Mom Mom and they just flipped shit and it turned into this whole thing, my Mom slapped me, and Dad punched me. I was in the hospital for a week.

During that week, Channing was checking in on Kathryn constantly and once day he came here and found her in a pool of blood with a slit wrist.

He barely saved her.

It's early April now, and I'm just numb all over.

If I hadn't lost my temper that day, my Mom wouldn't have hit me, and Dad wouldn't have knocked me out, and Kathryn never would've tried to kill herself.

She's in rehab.

Last time I felt this shitty was...

God, when I realized Channing and I had lost contact.

But this is a constant feeling.

It's so hard without Kathryn here to talk to. This morning I was standing in the body mirror with a knife pressed to my thigh.

I almost cut myself, but I didn't.

I

M hardly conversing with anyone.

I'm acting the way I did when Channing first met me in rehab.

I go see Kathryn every day at noon, and when I get home, Channing comes over.

I've not known a tiny bit of emotion.

I don't want to.

"I think we should break up." I whisper.

I've been feeling this way for a month.

I love him so much, but I'm dragging him down.

"What?" he asks.

That's the first complete sentence I've said to him.

"We need to break up, Channing."

"No." he says. "No we don't."

"Yeah." I whisper. "Yeah, we really do."

He's quiet for a really long time.

"Cam," he sighs.

"I'm dragging you down, just the way I dragged Kathryn down. I'm fucked up." I whisper. "I have too many imperfections. I can't keep dragging everyone down."

He's quiet for a long time, and then he runs his hands across his face.

"You know you don't want this. I know you don't want this. I don't need protecting, Cam."

"Channing, please just go."

He's quiet for a long time.

This is the fourth time I've broken up with him.

Dammit. I can't.

I start shaking my head, tears gushing down my face. "Channing, go." I whisper."Get out!"

He runs his hand up and down his thighs and stands up.

"You know where I live." He walks out.

CHANNING'S POV

I'm more mad than upset.

I think I might be both.

Fuck.

I don't know.

I'm storming down the street in the pouring rain.

She won't talk to me. She won't tell me what she's feeling. She won't tell me what she's thinking.

She's hurting and I can't help her.

I'm so frustrated.

I stop walking suddenly.

What am I doing?

Since when do I listen to her when she tells me to leave?

Never.

I don't.

I don't fucking listen to her because I know that's not what she wants.

So, I turn around and I walk back to my truck.

I drive back to her house, but her trucks gone.

I keep calm and head to the rehab.

It's not there either.

<><>

It took me a week or searching to realize she's gone, so I told everyone what happened and they admit to not seeing her.

Fuck.

What is she thinking?

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