I Write For Me

09/11/2015

It's been nineteen days since my birthday when you forgot to wish me a  happy one, and give me a hug like you do every year. When I texted you and told you how great of a friend you were for doing so you just used the same excuse again. Going on about how you were mad because you lost a game the day before, and that you were sorry, but all I could reply was that it was okay when it wasn't.

It's been eighteen days since I got myself drunk at a party, while trying to impress you. You touched my boobs, and I was ecstatic, but then you disappeared, and I was left standing there alone, to drunk to function wondering what I did wrong this time. My mum was so disappointed in me when I came home with child services, but even then all I could think about was that it was all still worth it, for you.

It's been seventeen days since my so called friend told you how I talked about you when I was drunk. She told you how I said I tried so hard to get you to like me. At first you told her you thought I hated you, but after some time you believed her. You finally found out I like you. I was so glad when you texted me asking how I was feeling. I loved the thought of you looking after me, but then I found out I wasn't the only one you asked. I laid there feeling like shit, and that I was going to throw up any second, and that's when I realized it wasn't worth it. It was not worth how I was feeling, and definitely not worth disappointing my mum. After all she was the one that was there holding me while I was crying all the times you broke my heart, not you.

It's been sixteen days since we last spoke. After you found out I like you, you haven't spoken a word to me, but I still see you looking at me. I don't know why you do but I want you to, because that's the closest I'm going to be to you in a while. You started to change when you regained contact with an old friend of your. You lost contact with him because you both were in love with the same girl, and she chose him. I remember you complaining about it to me saying how in love with her you were, and you knew I would listen because I was your best friend.

It's been four days since I saw for the first time after you had come back from Florida. I sat there in class talking to my friend, the one that told you about my crush on you. Then you came in, and I didn't even want to look up at you. I wanted to ignore you like you ignored me, but I knew you were looking towards me, but you weren't looking at me directly. You looked at my friend, and she was giggling. When you left she was talking about how tan you had gotten, but I didn't get to see it. I was at the point where I was only furious, and you still haden't spoken a word to me, but I still counted every time you looked at me, and the times we would make quick eye contact. I went home only after half that day, because I was so tired. I had only slept two hours that night, because I spent the whole night crying over ridiculous things, but deep down I knew I was crying over you. I was so mad at you for choosing to ignore me when you found out instead of asking me if it was true or not, because I really thought we were closer than that.

It's been tree days since I felt like I was over you. I was so certain. You still ignored me, and I still counted all the times you looked at me. I told my mum that evening about how I was over you, and what happened. She just started to laugh, and I told her I was serious, and how mad I was. She just shook her head and said "Your not mad, your hurt" I just got irritated and told her that she don't understand.

It's been two days since I finally realized that my mum was right. I was hurt, and that's when you decided to notice me again. There was a library buss at our school and the class was going to check it out. It was so small so everyone was pressed together. You were sitting down, and I was standing almost right next to you. I saw you reaching out for a book, you looked up at me and reached it out for me. You didn't say anything and I didn't either. I just took the book and we smiled at each other. It was a book I really like, and the fact that you still remembered something like that means a lot to me. Later you were pressed up against me to my right while we were trying to get to the chasier, and I was complaining about how small I felt. You looked down at me, and chuckled. I looked back up at you, and you went to stand on you toes making yourself even taller, mocking me. I laughed a little, and felt so happy. Maybe things would go back to normal. He didn't speak to me, but he spoke to me in his own way. I was wrong though, because when we got out of the buss it was back to me not existing to you.

It's been one day since I decided to stay home. I was so tired from staying up until five o'clock in the morning crying over you once again. You made me want to draw again. It helped me relax, and concentrate on something other than you. It helped.

It's been nine hours since school started, and in first period we had music, and we are in a band together, but you came late to class so when you came you just laid down on the floor with your phone. You didn't say anything to anyone of us, so we didn't say anything to you either. I didn't put any makeup on today, because once again I stayed up until five o'clock, but this time I read trough all our old messages. It took an hour to get to the top of them, to get to the beginning. There were some sound messages, and your voice was so high pitched back then. I cried, laughed, and smiled. I also didn't wear any make up, because you once told me you thought I was much prettier without it. You kept looking at me, but half an hour after the teacher came to help us, and you stood up and left. It was last period, and you had to sit beside my friend, the one who told you everything. She was also in our group in music, so you told her that she could tell me, and the others that you was going to switch groups because we didn't talk to you. I wanted to laugh at the fact that he thought it was weird that I didn't talk to you.

It's been four hours since we arrived at our reunion for a thing with church. You weren't there at first, but when I saw him I knew you were there to, so I saw where he went to sit, and saw you. I told my best friend to look out and tell me everytime you looked at me, and that was often. Your friend is also one of my best friends so obviously he talked to me often trough out the night, but you never did. At one point they were showing the pictures they took of the pair for a gala dinner they had at a summer camp we had to go to. The picture of me, and the date I got set up with showed up, and I hid behind a brochure in my hand in embarrassment, but I still saw you looking at me.

It's been one hour since I stood behind you in the cue to sign up for becoming a leader for the camp next year. Our friend came to talk to us, but we didn't talk to each other, we only talked to him, and you still had your back turned to me. When our friend left you took your phone out to text the guy that changed you, and I wanted to push the phone out of your hands. You were so close to me. I could smell your cologne, and it felt like it was marihuana making me high on you sent. I wanted to wrap my hands around you from behind, kiss your neck, and call you all the sweetest names in the world, but I couldn't. You don't know how hard it was resisting doing this. You stood beside me when we were signing up, and as you wrote you moved closer and closer to me, but I just hurried to be done so I could get out of there. It hurt to much, because for some reason you are always so close, but at the same time so far away.

It's been eight years since I realized I first loved you. It's been eight years since you ruined, and fixed my life. So when people tell me to get over you I don't know what to do. How do you get over eight of the best, and worst years of your life.

When you said you thought I hated you, you were wrong. However I'm not so sure anymore, but my sister once told me that hate is another type of love.

- endless_styles