90s Queen Bee #Wattys2016

Chapter 17 - It's in his kiss

2015

'Backstreet's Back, alright!' I shouted in unison with a dozen other disembodied voices at Dance Like No One's Watching. I'd decided to go to Thursday night's event after all. I needed some stress relief that didn't involve jumping back into bed with Colin.

I was worried that if I slept with Colin again, I'd get more attached, let my guard down and he'd see that I wasn't so fearless after all.

Does he love me, I wanna knooow, how can I tell if he loves me sooo?' Cher's voice warbled through the speakers.

I repeated Thora's words in my head as I shoop-shooped from side to side. It was becoming clearer to me that I did worry too much about what other people thought, of being a laughing stock again. Wasn't that why my Facebook's privacy settings were the virtual equivalent to a lock on a 13 year old girl's diary? Wasn't that why I was too scared to try acting? I'd be open to scrutiny and ridicule. It was also a given that I'd have to deal with rejection after auditions over and over again.

If you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss – that's where it is.

I did feel it in Colin's kiss – well, there was definitely something there – but would he fall for me if I quit work and ran off to join a drama class? My ambition at work was one of the things that attracted him to me, after all. If he stuck around to see me try out acting, he might see me hurt, sad and embarrassed. I mean, I liked his vulnerable side – the part of him that still got nervous before big meetings and worried that his daughter was growing up too quickly – but would he like my vulnerable side?

I hummed The Shoop Shoop Song as hoisted my bag over my shoulder and traipsed out of the doors.

'Sammy!'

I whipped my head around to see Blair Bradley leaning against a wall. If I'd been carrying school books, I definitely would have dropped them in surprise. That old feeling of embarrassment hit me as I remembered the Facebook message I'd sent him and the way I'd shouted that I hated him. Did Blair now see me as that sad, pathetic loser again?

Get a grip Sammy. You're 34 now and fabulous.

'Hey Blair.'

'I thought I'd find you here,' he said with a grin. 'Lame music tonight, eh?'

'I don't know what you're talking about. I love Cher.'

He screwed up his nose and walked towards me. I noticed that his forehead was glistening with sweat - proof positive that he'd enjoyed dancing to the Backstreet Boys and Cher. He just didn't want to admit it.

'I got your Facebook message,' he said. 'It's all good.'

'Good.' I didn't know what else to say.

'So how about I buy you a drink?' he asked with a half-smile.

If I was going to be an actress, I'd have to face my hidden fears – so why not start by having a drink with one of my tormentors on that fateful night at the high school play? Besides, the pubs of Newtown had already seen me in my gym gear and I wanted to know more about Blair, the 2015 version.

'Sure,' I said. 'Although the only place I know where they'll let us in with sneakers is that pub near the station.'

We stuck to surface topics like the weather and how our days had been as we made our way to the pub. But as soon as we sat down with our drinks, Blair wasted no time getting stuck into the serious talk.

'Sammy, I can't get the moment that you told me you hated me out of my mind.' He took a gulp of beer so enormous, the glass looked practically half-empty when he set it back down on the table.