Guidebook ↠ Shawn Mendes

Chapter 19: Plans

London

"Let me repeat myself. What the hell were you doing with Matt?" Sophia demands.

"I-I was just talking to him. You know about the kiss on the cheek." I fumble with my words.

"If I heard correctly, which I'm sure I did, you told him you liked him."

I stop on the path and hesitate before responding. "Yeah, I did." I glance at her. "It's not like it isn't true."

"That may be so, but guess what? You're in a relationship with Shawn, who guess what? Is friends with Matt."

"I know." I kick a pebble and watch tumble into the dancing, green grass. "We're dating and it's totally, one hundred percent real." I turn toward Sophia. "Why can't I just not date him? It would make my life simpler. The magazines haven't even confirmed we're dating yet. They're just reporting our flirtationship for attention. I can just say we're friends and leave it at that."

"Hmm, maybe because you and Shawn already told all your friends that you guys are together?" Sophia gives me an angry look. "You're doing this for him, for Shawn. Don't act like you don't care because truth is, you do."

"Just a little."

The look in Sophia's eyes harden. "Do you honestly believe that you only care about Shawn a little? Do you think that it's right for you to back out now? I'm not even talking about the legal crap we'll have to deal with. What do you truly think you should do?"

"Well geez Confucius, if that answer was so easy I wouldn't have this problem, would I?" 

Sophia lets out a loud huff and stomps away. I sigh in response. I'm going to have to apologize to her later. 

The car ride is awkward. Mahogany seems to pick up on this but makes no comment. Sophia doesn't speak to me for the rest of the day.

By the time I get home, I'm exhausted. As soon as I walk through my door, I run up the stairs and flop onto my bed. Sophia's questions toss and turn through my mind. In a way, she's right. The way I left my conversation with Matt was bad. I implied that I still wanted to see him. My words said one thing but...well actions speak louder than words. All of a sudden, my phone goes off. Part of me hopes it's Sophia and the other part of me, despite my silent protests, hopes it's Matt.

But it's Shawn.

Do you want to do something tomorrow with me? I don't really care what.

I bit my lip and type out a quick reply.

Maybe, but I'm going to be really busy with interviews the whole day.

Shawn replies a few seconds later.

Dinner?

My next response leaves me feeling guilty.

Sorry, I already made plans.

It's not a lie. Tomorrow is Nextflix Night with Matt. Now, I know what you're thinking. Bad London! But my intentions are clear now. I'm ending it. No hidden meanings or "well I kind of like you's," I'm keeping it simple.

"I don't want to see you anymore." I say. No, that's too harsh. I still want to be friends. "We can't keep doing this." But I do enjoy Netflix Night. "We have to set some ground rules." Ugh, now that just sounds stupid. 

My phone buzzes again. Instead of Shawn's, Matt's name pops up on my lockscreen.

Are you bringing the popcorn or am I?

Inwardly, I smile and roll my eyes. 

You are, you idiot. Netflix night is at your house this week.

Three dots pop up on my screen as I wait for Matt's response.

But that means I have to go all the way to the store! Do you have any idea how far that is?

You could use the exercise fatty, I respond.

You're mean. Somehow, Matt's pouting aura radiates off my own screen. 

See you at 7 loser :)

I let out a small laugh at my final reply and lock my phone before tossing it on my bed. Sophia's face appears in my mind.

"SMILEY FACE? THOSE SHOULD BE RESERVED FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND!"

My fake boyfriend.

I spent years dreaming of the day Shawn and I would be together. In my head, and I know how creepy this sounds, I planned how he would ask me to be his girlfriend. This was all while I was dating other boys. Distracting myself from what I really wanted, grasping onto my illusions as best as I could, trying to turn them into reality with different faces and different bodies, that was how I coped through those years.

Instead of roses or a serenade, I got contracts, fake smiles, and love triangles. 

Once upon a time, I thought the idea of loving someone without being with them was ridiculous. Now, I know better.

Honoring my years of friendship with Shawn by going through with this deal seems like the right thing to do. Problem is, Matt and I have been friends for a while too, and he's the one I like more. That's just the facts. Shawn's in the past. Matt is my now. 

It's cute really. How I think I have a choice in this situation. Even if I was 110% sure I wanted Matt, breaking my contract with Shawn would be a decision I'd regret legally. I made my decision when I signed that dumb piece of paper. My only chance at freedom would be if Andrew let me break his original terms out of the goodness of his heart. Besides, I don't think I'd get much of a chance to relish said freedom once Sarah murdered me. 

Shawn. He is the only choice I can make. No matter what I want, I have to choose him. 

Matt and I are good friends and we have been for years, like I said before. Our relationship can survive if I don't pick him. He'll still be here for me, I know it. Shawn's a wild card. I just got him back in my life. I don't know when he'll leave. Before we stopped being in each other's lives, everything was awkward and horrible. If I don't choose him, I'm afraid it'll go back to that.

It's sad knowing that my choice relies solely on legal binds, cowardness, and fear.