Me

Weekends

The weekends for me, messy or uneventful. I am a big drinker amongst other things sadly. Numbness had become our favorite and only emotion worth feeling.

Lately weekends have left me broken, house bound for I do not have the strength to get up of this couch, to leave this house that is empty.

I am lost, I am not me anymore. I am a soul in an empty being, because that being, that human. She lost it, she lost everything, most importantly she lost who she was. That's how she was born. The monster. My monstrous new self consisting of darkness.

Once upon a time, little Vicky; she was a princess, she reigned in her household, spoke up about what she needed to say. This princess spent weekends with her grandparents or her father, who is now long gone. She had plans to gain attention from  the world, failure of course.

My dream, little Vicky believing in happiness and dream come trues and damn miracles. My childhood persona was yes young, but so unaware of what was to consume her. The monster that's grown to live inside her once pure and precious mind. She is now contaminated with sickness of awful self image, diseases, mental health issues, not to mention how she gets alone with others.

So back to this point, the weekends. A time for relaxation, catchup on work, visiting family or friends, and just doing something for yourself. This all makes perfect sense, this concept is deserved by everyone on this planet.

So why are my weekends different? I lay on the couch all day, fall asleep on the couch because this body won't move to my bed. I am in a slump and the worst relapse. I've relapsed before,  yet it was nothing like this.

I lost who I used to be, I cannot find her anymore. I can't find me. Once full of life and full of laughter, happiness, and not caring about her outsides because there was a time her insides we're golden. Did you know gold can melt? Well mine did.

So yes, I have told you my mornings, weekdays, and my weekends.

A 19 year old girl with anorexia, bi-polar, depression, brain damage, and sever anxiety.

Everyone's life kind of sucks. I question too much though, when should I really give in?