Before You Leave // Phan

13. The Truth

After I asked you to marry me and got a no from you, things went downhill and I had very little hope left for our relationship.

Six years was and is in fact a long time, but I spent it with you and it all just flew by and soon, too soon, it was gone and all I had left were memories to go by.

I guess I would understand if you got bored of me. I would also understand if it was that you just didn't want me anymore.

I don't really know what I did wrong, if anything, but it all doesn't seem to matter to me anymore.

Not too long after the proposal, you told me you wanted to talk and I knew what was coming, I just didn't want to face it.

We sat and talked, you starting out by telling me that you simply just fell out of love with me.

It hurt, it really hurt. When you said no to my proposal, that pain was nothing compared to the pain I felt when you told me you didn't love me anymore.

I cried and I cried a lot as you told me this. You did, as well which did make me feel the littlest bit better.

You told me that somewhere along the way, you knew that the love was fading and you didn't want to tell me but after I proposed, you knew you had to.

And that was it. You didn't love me, or at least not in the way I desired. You still cared, I know and am sure of that, even now. But caring for someone isn't the same as being in love with someone.

I was still in love with you.

I felt as if my whole world had crashed down around me and I was seeing the mess, seeing the flames of it all burning down to ashes, feeling the pain of it falling apart. Not even kicks could hurt this much or punches.

Physical pain was something that would face and so was mental and emotional pain but with physical pain, you could get pills and medicine to cure or help ease the pain.

Nothing could ease the pain I felt in my heart when you told me that we had to break up.

As you explained to me that you did care, that you loved me but just not romantically, you had your bags ready to leave and stay at your parents for a while.

I knew it was a bad idea but I also knew I needed space at the moment and just like that, I let you go and watched you walk out of the flat we used to call ours.

I cried. I broke some things. I kicked the wall (and surprisingly didn't break any). I yelled at nothing, I screamed and sobbed.

I pulled on my own hair, I didn't eat for the first few days. I refused to see anyone and I completely shut down.

I couldn't see anyone, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't talk, I couldn't eat. I was torn. I was broken. I was back to being the Dan that I was before I met you.

I was a literal mess.

Then, one day, I got up from lying on my bed and picked up my phone, completely ignoring all the missed calls I had from anyone and dialled a number.

Despite being hurt, deeply hurt, I smiled when you answered the phone immediately.

And we talked. We talked as if nothing happened, we talked like the best friends we once were. And oddly, that was fine by me.

We talked until my phone died and continued talked once I managed to charge it again.

After a while, silence fell between us and I decided to talk about what happened. We discussed it more thoroughly and decided because we still cared for each other, we would remain best friends.

And that was okay. I was okay again. After weeks of not seeing anyone, speaking to anyone, seeing the light of the sun or feeling the rain against my skin, I was back and it seemed like nothing had been wrong at all.

The only difference was, you had a boyfriend, you found someone and that someone wasn't me.

I can't say I wasn't jealous, because I really was, but as long as you were happy, it was okay. As long as you were happy and smiling, it was all fine.

The truth is, I love you. I am in love with you and there was nothing I could do about how I felt about you. I was glad you were happy with your new boyfriend and going to live with him.

The truth is, I was doing fine. You loved me, you cared. You weren't in love with me, and that was fine.

Because at one point, I had you in my arms, I got to feel your lips on mine, I got to feel your warm body against mine, I was able to make you laugh and smile, I was able to tell you how much you meant to me, I was once able to call you mine.

And that was before you left.