Time after Time (#LoveLetters)

♥Letter 1♥

Dear him,

I saw you again today, but you didn't notice me. I gave you a slight smile, hoping you'd catch it as I walked down the hallway, but you were so caught up in the moment with all the other nice girls that you didn't notice. I wonder if you know how superficial they all are? But then, most guys are like that. Cliché as always in most books: the quiet girl never gets the guy until the very end. The good looking guy admits his mistakes and dumps all the blond chicks, but hey, if it happens in fiction, perhaps it can happen in real life.
I wish...

I still remember the first time I had met you. It felt like yesterday, but it was just three years ago. I was twelve at the time and you were fifteen. It makes me giddy by just thinking how young and immature we were, but still, now that we're older, it makes it seem like forever ago.

I distinctly remember it though when I ever met you let alone saw you that one blistering summer day. I remember climbing into the red family car with my parents and brother, unknowingly of the people I was going to meet. My future best friend, and you, that is. I wasn't sure how to present myself since I was only twelve at the time. Now I was fifteen with a better life at my hands with all sorts of memories and regrets, but the only thing really to do was to move forward. My long brown hair that hadn't been cut for more than a year was hanging loosely in a ponytail presumably. I probably had put a small shade of makeup on, just in case I needed to look extra nice, not that I liked wearing makeup anyway. It seemed to be a hassle more than a necessity, not that I ever complained.

I thought you guys to be very weird at first, meeting at another family's house for dinner, but soon after, your family seemed to be a very fun clan. Especially when we were eating outside on the deck. You were leaning too far back in your seat. You can probably remember what happened next: you fell over. And you can probably remember what happened after that too: I laughed at you. I tried my best not to since that would appear as rude. Who knows, you could have been hurt!
And here I was chuckling like a hyena! Well, not quite.

And I still remember what you told me soon after you had regained your balance again in the chair.

"You just laughed at me."

As if I didn't even know.

Instantly, my head hung in shame and embarrassment for laughing at something I thought was downright hilarious.
I suppose, I shouldn't have been so sensitive at the time, but I wasn't quite expecting you to judge me for it, if you even did, that is.
It wasn't long before I looked back up again to see you still looking at me with a blank expression before turning away. I daresay that table was awfully quiet for the longest time, but shortly after, it was the same craziness as before.

I still haven't forgotten that day.
I just wanted wonder, have you?

Probably.

It must not mean much to you let alone all the other things that happen between us. Like the very short conversations or the way you sometimes annoy me, intentionally. That was before I started to have feelings for you. It wasn't immediate but gradually. When I did, they were large spurts but then sometimes those spurts would lessen over time, presumably a few weeks. Then they'd completely disappear.
A crush. Exactly.
That's what it was: a crush.
Nothing more, nothing less.
But, they'd always come back.
And, it was always you. No one else, but you.

Like that day, that very special day.
The day my heart finally decided to stop going back and forth between people. It chose one out of the not very many choices. I didn't want it to, but it just did.
It was out of my control. It just happened.
That's when I fell. Hard.

It felt like I had ran into a brick wall, my lungs and heart burning with a unexplainable sensation, but I had no choice but to keep it a secret just in case it wasn't real.
In case it just happened for the time being.
But it didn't. It stayed.
And it has stayed for as long as it dares.
My entire life, maybe. I can't help it though, but I can't just let it go.
Not now anyway.
Maybe.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to be you.
But I can't imagine it with someone else.

I'm sorry

Love,
Her <3