Thoughts

Self Hatred

Sorry about the bad Grammer and run in sentences and sentence fragments, it all makes since and it's easy to follow but it's not very literate because I'm a peice of fucking shit.
One of the worst things for me is how much I truly hate myself. Every time I rant to my friends or tell them what I'm feeling and about my depression and every time I lean on them I shout at myself inside. I tell myself they think I'm annoying and attention seeking and I should just shut up. Sometimes, I convince myself that all of my problems are fake and I'm just using it for attention, and that makes me hate myself more. The last thing I want is to be an attention seeking bitch. Everyone I ask my friends if they think I'm being annoying or something they always say no and that it's good that I can talk about it and I shouldn't bottle up my feelings, but I never helps, I still feel like everyone hates me the way I hate myself. I can't count the number of times I've gotten up in the morning looked in the mirror and cried because I didn't like the way I looked. I can't count the number of times I've heard my friends problems and then got mad at myself because my problems weren't as bad as there's. Every time I don't get something I tell myself I'm stupid and clueless. It takes me forever to do assignments because I feel like any answer I'm putting is stupid and I don't want my teachers to think that I'm stupid. I always tell myself I'm too loud and obnoxious, because let's face it I am. I am dying for someone to actually hear me and pay attention to me that I get so damn loud. Most of the time when I speak to people, other then my two very best very close friends, I tell myself that the person I'm talking to thinks I'm weird or stupid because of what I said. Weird. That's a big. Weird and annoying. I tell myself that countless times every day, I tell myself that through out every conversation I have because I can't push it out of my head. I take facial expressions from people and instantly think that they are judging me. Every second I'm awake I feel like people are secretly judging me and laughing at me and it's so fucking hard and I can't fucking stand it. I feel so incredibly stupid all the damn time! I think my fucking little sister is smarter then me. I'm a selfish bitch because she's going to middle school next year and I don't want her to be in as many advanced classes as I was because I can't handle that, the truth is she's planning on signing up for more then me. That will break me even more, if possible. The amount of hate I have for myself is uncontrollable and it puts so much weight on my shoulders that I want to scream. Another big thing. I find myself throughout most of my day wanting to scream and throw things, or disappear, or drown, or just die in general, because that would be better then the constant noise in my head screaming insults at me and telling myself that nobody gives a fuck. Truth is I'm too much of a fucking coward to even end myself. Death doesn't scare me, I don't take extra precautions to not die, I wouldn't mind if I died, I always wish that somehow someway I would die, but I'm so much of a fucking loser and coward that I can't even go through with just ending it myself. But even with all this I fucking deal with it. I deal with the voices and the shit because I don't have any other choice.