Paper Hearts (boyxboy)

The Paper Heart

Chapter 5

I pace the small gray and beige office, wringing my hands. "What do you think?" I finally ask.

Ms. Hernandez, the only staff at this school I would trust with my life, is holding her pen to her mouth and looking at me through narrowed eyes. "I think you're over thinking."

I look out the window, shaking my head. "No such thing. I have to look at things from every angle or I might miss the most important aspect." I look back at her and sit down in the chair in front of her desk. "This kid, this guy, he's different, you know. Just yesterday we were in class, and out of the blue he started talking about kittens and how they should be prescribed to people with depression. And you know what Mrs. H? I didn't even write him off or laugh like it was stupid or ignore him or anything; before I could do a thing, my mind jumped in and started agreeing and discussing the logistics of kitten therapy. Anybody else, I would have definitely called them an idiot. Andrew though, when he talks, it's like you're holding on to every word. Maybe it's stupid. Maybe I'm just crazy."

She laughs heartily. "Noah, you're not crazy. You want to know what I think? I think you my friend have a little crush."

I almost roll my eyes at how ridiculous that sounds aloud. "But...he's a dude..."

This makes her laugh even harder. "And? Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe you're..."

"Stop right there." I cut in. "There's no way. Gay guys choose to be gay because they get tired of women. I didn't choose anything. I mean Carly is annoying and all but--"

She gives me a quizzical, almost angry, look. "And just who told you that?"

I pause. "My dad..." As soon as it comes out of my mouth, I realize how foolish it sounds. 

"Noah, do you really think that's true?" She says softly, leaning forward. "Let me tell you a little story. I had an uncle, his name was Diego. Devoted christian, had a gorgeous wife of fifteen years, two beautiful children, big house on the countryside. Then one day, he decided he couldn't lie to himself anymore, and he divorced his wife to be with the man he loved. Everyone thought he was crazy to give all that up, that he was just choosing that lifestyle to be different. Attention or something. My mama asked him, she said, 'Honey, why are you choosing this?' And he told her 'Vicky, I'm not choosing anything. Why the hell would I deliberately choose to put my whole family, my sweet children, myself, through all this? It's not always easy being true to yourself, but if you're living in a lie, you're not really living at all.' And he stayed with his partner 'till he died. So tell me Noah, do you really think sexuality is a controllable part of someone's life?"

I ponder this for a minute or two. "No, I guess not."

I never really looked at it that way. I suppose I never bothered to look at it at all. But a crush, how absurd. Being "gay" and all that may be fine for her uncle, but my issue is not attraction. It's a lack of any good friends.

Suddenly the last bell for the day rings through the small office. She smiles, "You better get going, wouldn't want to be late for football practice."

I pick up my bag and start out. Then I stop at the door and turn around. "Thanks for talking to me, Ms. Hernandez."

She gets a sympathetic look on her face. "Anytime. Really, my door's always open." I smile and nod, just about to turn the handle to the door. "Wait," she says, walking to me. "I know this is not an easy thing to deal with, but just know, you're not alone."