A Mistaken Wish (#Wattys2016)

Chapter 22- Guilt

"Guilt is to the Spirit, what Pain is to the Body"-Elder David

She

For the first time in my life I was lying on my bed and didn't want to wake up. All I could feel was a hollow in my chest and a heap of guilt killing me every second I breath. I was not able to figure out what hurt me more the fact that I was lied to by the person I trusted the most or the fact that I just lost the person who I should have trusted the most.

Guilt......was the worst of all the sufferings you go through in your life. Because this is the only suffering which comes without remedy. I knew deep inside that I betrayed 'him'. i knew I lost him and I had no one but myself to blame because could not trust the right person. I was the reason I lost my only salvation- 'Shiven'.

Its been 3 days all I did was go to school come back and go to my room and cry myself to sleep. As sleep was the only time when the pain of this guilt numbed. I knew my mom was worried, she tried to talk to me about it but I all I did was walk back to my room and cry again. I knew mom would tell bhai about me so it was not a really big surprise for me when he came over to see me five days after I came to know the truth. He came to my room but I pretented to be asleep, he waited but I didn't wake up. I was not sure I was ready to confront him or to state fact I had no idea what to next. All I felt was guilt and pain of betrayal. Himanshu saw it too and tried top ask me a few times but when he saw I won't talk he just made sure that I knew that, "he was here for me always."

I don't know how many days or weeks had passed since 'that day'. i had lost count all I did was breath and did everything I was suppose to do but I felt a part of my soul wounded too deep to be healed and the pain made me realize the fact that I had put 'Shiven' through worst. I was the reason he was hurt, I was the reason behind every pain he went through, I was the reason behind every broken piece of his heart. It was all because of me. I WAS THE REASON FOR HIS PAIN.

Its been days I had been any calls especially my brother's...I was still not ready to talk to him and so goes with Shivi I had been out of her touch for more than a week now, whenever we were in school I just avoided having any interaction with her because I knew the moment she got hold of me she will get everything out of me and I was not ready to let anyone inside my shell of suffering atleast not right now. So on the Sunday as I was in my bed crying silently in my blanket. I heard my door being opened I shut my eyes pretending to be asleep. I thought it was mom and she would go seeing me asleep but instead I felt my blanket being pulled away from me. I opened my eyes and saw Shivi standing with a Scrawl on her face.

"leave me alone", I said.

"I will rather kick your butts for being snoopy bitch to me" she replied really pissed.

"Just let me be. I just want to be left alone. I'm am not a company to keep right now." I pleaded her I hope that she would leave.

"YOU BETTER LEAVE THAT BED OF YOURS AND SPILL YOUR BITCHY GUTS BEFORE I GO ALL BRUCE LEE ON YOU ARSE 'ASHI SRIVASTAVA'" She screamed threatening me.

I knew when Shivi got stuck on something she just dosen't know how to let go, just like me she was born stubborn. So I just got up from my bed and sat down next to her silently. I don't know how long I sat there like that

"Are you trying to kill me by giving this silent treatment because let me tell you that even if I die I will come back and haunt you arse down until you tell me what is going on your already messed up mind" she said and I knew I had to talk to someone eventually so why not her.

"I don't know where should I start from" I said

"start from where you got the idea for being this SOB bitch and avoid me and you better have a good enough reason cause I'm feeling murderous and you are my prime target" she threaten me again

I started telling her from the day I came to know the truth and then I went on and on I don't know for how long I was speaking my guts out until I realized I was crying on Shivi's shoulder. All the while she didn't say a word and just listened to what I had to say. After I was all cried out I looked up at her and asked-

"What do I do now..!!"

"I know Ashi you are hurt but after listening to you, all I can say is that for you to start over you need to get out of this guilt" she said

"But how, how do I mend his broken heart, how do I bring back his trust, how do I take back all the pain I caused him, how" I looked up at her with helplessness in my eyes

"you can't change what has already been done Ashi, all you can do know is make amends for your mistake. We all make mistakes Ashi but that is a crime only when we make no amends to make it right after realizing our fault." She looked in my eyes and said

For the first time in so long I felt a hope of light in this darkness

"But will he forgive me...?" I asked having a great doubt over him forgiving me

"I don't know that but I will just quote you for you "always ask for forgiveness without the expectation of earning it you duty is only to ask for forgiveness, and then live it to them if they want to grant it or not." she replied to my doubt with the smile.

And I knew what I had to do.

I have to ask for his forgiveness and I will earn his forgiveness even if it's the last act I do in my life and with that thought I smiled and hugged my devilish angel, my best friend Shivi.

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