Phoenix

From hell to hell

"You continue propagating the need for equality amongst men when you know as well as I do that the only time we're equal is in death."

~Iris~

It's five in the morning, time to get up.I dont need an alarm anymore. I suffer from parasomnia aka night terrors. Every night I wake up screaming. I try to avoid sleep as much as possible but exhaustion gets the best of me.

There are'nt punishments for screaming anymore, no one to dole them out, but I still bear scars from past episodes.

I try to shut my mind off. Thinking might break my barriers, I cant let that happen.

I dress swiftly, methodically, in a white full sleeved t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I eat a meagre breakfast, grab what I need and head towards the hospital. Visting hours start at 5.30.

I jump in my jeep and whiz towards the hospital wanting to get as far away from the house as possible, from the stately townhouse that contains some of my best and worst memories. I hate that house, the feeling's mutual.

I walk through the quiet corridors like a spectre, barely there. The staff has long since stopped trying to acknowlege me, knowing their only reply will be a blank stare if even that.

Room 996. I stop and read like I do everyday, as if that could change what lies within. I brace myself but the sight takes my breath away anyway. Seeing my father, my protector, my tormentor lying there so frail breaks me. I know he hurt me but he was hurting too. If hitting me helped him cope then so be it.I'd rather have him up and beating me than down and dead. He's all I have left.

I am back in my car and speeding through the streets. At this hour the world seems empty, dead, bleak...alot like me.

I park in the school lot and trek towards a close by hill. The tears fall unbidden,they usually do. I dont know how much more of this I can stand. Maybe i'll end this once and for all.No one will notice if I disappear, if I die.

I am merely a blip on the radar. I am IRIS.