Another Day

Chapter 15

The first day after Danny left I tried to act normal, despite feeling dead to the world. The silence of the apartment was unbearable but I couldn’t bring myself to go out. I forced myself to eat and then turned on a record, hoping to at least get some energy up.

As I cleaned a little, ‘Please Please Me’ lightened the mood. In fact, I started to feel better. Absent-mindedly I sang along with them, pretending I had never met them, that they were no more than a picture with voices to match. It was easier than it should have been.

But when I heard the first chord of ‘Do you want to know a secret’ it all came crashing back. With tears in my eyes I shut it off. I couldn’t handle hearing that angelic voice floating around my lonely apartment, singing about love.

Sleep eluded me. I missed feeling the warmth of someone else’s arms.

Several days later I wasn’t able to stand it any longer. I showed up at the diner in time for the morning shift, not even caring if I didn’t get paid for it, I just had to get out.

Linda wasn’t in. I was shamefully relieved, not wanting to her to demand for every detail of my few days with George. Instead I had to face both Susan and James, who were bursting with questions about the other night, as if it was a big celebrity event instead of what it was: the worst mistake of my life.

I didn’t answer any of their questions, eventually snapping at Susan to get her to leave me alone. I felt bad, but she did steer clear from me after that.

All day a small part of me kept hoping to see George come striding in through the door and sweep me away, out of my misery and into a world where everything is taken care of and not confusing. Every time the bell rang I would look up eagerly, hoping to see his crooked grin, only to be disappointed. Every time.

No Linda, no Danny, no George.

Ruth came at around two thirty and let me off early. She knew something was bothering me, but since I didn’t offer any explanation she left me alone. I was very grateful.

Not wanting to go home to an empty flat I wandered out to a late lunch. Even eating alone, sitting outside at least among other people made me feel less lonely. After the meal I kept trudging through downtown, soaking in the sun.

Eventually though, I had to go home.

It was dark in my flat, but I had no drive to turn on the lights. So I flipped on the telly.

There they were; all four of them. Smiling and laughing on a rerun of some show. I found my eyes trailing longingly over George. I shut it off quickly, before I even found out what program it was.

My mind started to spin out of control.

I love Danny, I kept telling myself. Not some puffed up pop star.

Life is going fine with Danny. I don’t need to change it. He hit me on accident, he was defending me. Any guy would.

I swept those thoughts away, shaking my head. Reaching behind me I pulled of a random novel off the shelf and started to read. I was halfway through the first chapter of ‘The Catcher in the Rye’-for the third time-before I even realized I was reading it. Sighing and setting it down I looked at the clock. It was nearly nine. Maybe I should go to bed…

But on my way to my bedroom there was a knock on my door. I turned and hurried to get it, half hoping it was George.

Not Danny.

When I tentatively opened the door, I felt horrible that I was disappointed to see Linda.

She smiling from ear to ear and her cheeks were flushed read. Immediately she snatched me up in a hug. “OhgoodnessDonnaI’vebeenhavingsuchagreattimeit’snotrealIdon’tknowwhat’sgoingon.” She spewed all in one breath. I didn’t return her hug. To be honest, her chipper attitude was getting a little on my nerves. She pulled back, still smiling crazily, and brushed past me. I followed her slowly into the kitchen as she chatted on, not paying attention to what she was saying.

“Are you ok?” She said suddenly, the smile sliding from her face and being replaced with concern.

I looked up, seeing a cup of tea thrust in my face. I took it and sank into a chair by my table. She sat across from me.

I wanted to scream at her, No! I’m not ok! But I didn’t want to ruin her good mood. So I just smiled. “Yeah, absolutely. What’s got you all happy?” The distraction worked and she blushed.

“I just got back from a date with Paul.” She said proudly.

I nearly choked on my tea. “What? Paul? Paul McCartney?” I stammered. Thoughts of George flooded my mind.

She nodded. “After the concert when you went off with George he asked me to dinner.”

I gaped at her. Jealousy and longing and anger all rolled in one, swishing around at the bottom of my stomach made me want to throw up. Blood pounded on my ear drums, but I smiled anyway, feigning happiness at her stroke of luck.

“Oh wow, that’s great! How’d it go?” I asked. My voice sounded surprisingly genuine. Pretending to care was a lot easier than I thought it would be.

Linda beamed. “Oh, just great!” She took a sip of her tea while I waited for her to elaborate. “How are things with you and George?” She immediately switched tracks on me. A little taken aback I stumbled over my thoughts.

I didn’t feel like talking about all that had happened, but I didn’t lie. And wouldn’t, she'd find out from Paul anyway.

“I have a boyfriend, you know.” I said bitingly. She didn’t seem to notice the edge in my voice. It didn’t matter, she wasn’t listening to me.

“Paul is just fabulous! Just as great all the magazines said he was!” She gushed.

For hours she didn’t stop talking about him. By the minute I felt my emotional stability chipping away. She flaunted her new found romance in front of me while I pretended mine hadn’t crumbled in my hands. I pretended to listen. She didn’t ask for much of a response from me anyway, just wanting to talk and talk and talk.

Finally, half an hour past eleven she set her cup down and checked the clock. “Oh, I’m sorry I kept you up so late Donna. Time flies when you’re having fun.” I almost laughed, but didn’t care enough. So I just smiled.

“It’s no trouble Linda.”

She smiled back and stood to leave. I gave her a brief squeeze and followed her to the door.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” I asked. She shook her head. “No I asked off for a date with Paul.” She smiled wider. For a terrifying moment I thought she was going launch into another Paul is the best shit ever monologue, but before she had the chance I gave her another hug, said bye, and shut the door before she had turned away.

Standing in the empty apartment I realized how alone I was. Linda’s endless drone, though uninteresting, had kept the eerie quiet away. Now it was back. And suffocating.

I started to cry again. Really for no particular reason, just everything in general was upsetting. I stood there in front of the door for the longest time before heading back to bed.

The stack of records caught my eye as I walked past it. It was my pride and joy. Years were spent carefully crafting the perfect music selection that was just for me. Ever since I was thirteen I had been collecting records and things from various artists, spurred on by my Dad, who loved music more than anyone else I knew.

I stared at it.

And George stared back. A frozen smile on his face, the cover of ‘Please Please Me’. I was crying even harder now, and anger welled up inside me. In one swift motion I crossed to the stack of records and yanked it out of its sleeve. I screamed wildly as I snapped the record in half. The pieces fell to the floor and I tore the cover in half, letting them float down to the broken record. I did the same to their singles, but didn’t touch anything else.

I stood amidst the small pile of damage, and the only noise was my hiccupping. It occurred to me just how stupid I had just acted, and I couldn’t stop crying.

I didn’t try to either, not for a very long time.