Crawl

Twenty-Seven\\

Jason\\

I got home midnight that night and found Slim in Katelyn's room holding her hand as they both slept. Slim was in the rocking chair with her arm in Katelyn's crib with Katelyn's whole tiny hand wrapped around her finger. They both looked so precious.

Normally, we couldn't get Katelyn to stay asleep the whole night, but somehow Slim was able to get her to do so without even doing much.

"What are you doing?" Someone yawned, catching me off guard. I turned to see Jamal scratching his head as he stood next to me. "Oh, Slim? Yeah, she's been in the room ever since we all finished dinner." Jamal stated. "Is that okay? She told me that she wasn't allowed custody but she said you wouldn't have a problem if I let her in Kate's room."

I shook my head and stayed silent. I didn't mind Slim being with Kate. In fact, that was long overdue.

"Jason, you don't talk much do you?" Jamal asked curiously. I turned to look at him and raised my eyebrow. "You just don't seem to speak much, I've noticed...Unless you're mad."

I shook my head. "That's not it." I said. "How's she been today? Quiet?"

"Oh, Heavens no." said Jamal, "She was extremely talkative. She seemed to be so happy...nothing like you described. I would've thought she was happy if I hadn't seen her scars on her wrist."

"She's changed." I reminisced on the simpler days when both of our lives were different. "She's a good girl until you get on her bad side though."

"Is that what happened with you?" Jamal asked curiously. He was a pretty innocent kid, which almost made me wonder why he chose to sell drugs and kill people with my gang.

"No." I lied.

Watching her sleep with Katelyn's hand in hers, I almost wanted to go and hold the both of them. Katelyn, who looked exactly like Slim, held onto her mother for dear life, slept soundlessly with her mom right by her side.

The only reason she was quiet and calm tonight, I figured, was because Slim was with her. The last time she's ever slept so peacefully around me was before Slim took her away in Oregon.

"She gets emotional when people mention her past." Jamal spoke after a few moments of silence. "I didn't know she was the one you talked about. I mentioned it and she looked so close to tears, and also looked like she was angry as fuck. I didn't think it was that bad, you know."

"I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. All of them revolving around Slim." I simply stated. Jamal was silent for a while and finally said goodnight when he got tired again. I let Slim and Katelyn sleep together in her room and I went to my room.

Kicking my shoes off, I stripped myself of all clothes except my boxers and crawled in bed. I slowly drifted off to sleep.

Slim\\

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of Katelyn crying. This happened quite a lot for her, which mainly meant it was time to change her diaper. After doing that, I laid her back down in her crib and found myself a comfortable position in the chair adjacent to her crib. It's been so long since I've been with her, I had to lay down with my baby girl.

Although was still fairly early, with it only being six forty, I wasn't at all tired anymore. My phone had been ringing nonstop since I left my apartment with Jason, and although I wanted to answer and let my friends know I'm okay, I didn't want to talk to them at the moment because I knew that they knew that I wasn't at all stable right now. Me talking to them would make them worry more, for they could hear it in my voice that I wasn't okay.

They'd assume Jason's done something to me and that would make the situation worse. I just couldn't.

I was drawn back to reality when someone cleared their throat. I looked up to see Jason standing at the door and staring at me.

"Problem?" I asked. Jason just shrugged as if there were nothing wrong, and took a seat across from me. "What?" I asked.

"Huh? Nothing." Jason said. He didn't sound too certain with his words, but I didn't question him any further. I just wanted to be with Katelyn.

"Babe, you look stressed." Jason said obliviously. I looked up at him quickly and furrowed my brows.

Babe?

"Uh—Slim...I said Slim." Jason quickly recovered although I knew what he said. I heard him. Clearly.

"Why do you do this?" I suddenly asked. "Jason, I'm talking to you." He looked up and shrugged.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I scoffed. "You know exactly what I'm talking about! You pretend to hate me and make me suffer every day, but then you say things to make it seem like you still love me. I've tried to move on, and for a minute I thought it was working. But I'm too fucking scared to love this guy back because all the shit you put me through is still stuck in my head. And I'm scared of him messing up just as bad, or him realizing how worthless I am and leaving me. Okay, and I'm tired of people leaving me, so I leave them instead, but I just...I just can't anymore." I sobbed.

Jason stared at me from across the room. He didn't dare say a word. He just let me cry. I could tell by looking into his eyes that he felt differently than I did about the situation. He looked guilty. For once, Jason McCann felt guilty. And I was shocked by it. Because, since when did Jason McCann feel guilty?

"Slim, you're not worthless." Was all he said, which made me cry more.

"You don't gotta lie to me, Jason. I know what I am and I know what I ain't, and I know that I ain't worth a damn thing."

"What do you mean?" Jason asked, a tad but confused. I sighed.

"I couldn't give you what you needed when we were together, I couldn't give Katelyn the good shit she deserves, instead I got her a fucking trip to the hospital, and I know I can't give this guy, who treats me like a princess and has made it clear that he wanted me to have a lot more than what I have, and wants us to go far together, anything."

"But, that—"

"That's just me being worthless. What good am I if I can't give anybody anything good?" I sighed. "And it's all your fault. You and my fucking father. You two fucked me up. You're the reason why I am the way I am. And here I am, twenty two years old, with a child by you? The man I thought loved me the way I loved him. God, I'm so stupid."

"You're not stupid." Jason sighed. "It's not your fault, it's mine."

"I'm just done. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I'm tired Jason, and I don't want to do this anymore."

"Do what?" Asked Jason. "What don't you want to do anymore?"

I sniffled and looked up at him. The answer was as obvious as the colour of the sky. Jason knew this, he witnessed it before. He could tell by my physical condition what my answer would be. Why would he even ask? Was he trying to make me say it aloud, as painful as it was?

"Live."