Crawl

Thirty-Two\\

Slim\\

Jason had been gone for over three hours and I was stuck with Diana, the one person who I really couldn't stand. She kept checking up on me and asking questions, and God, she was annoying. Even after I kept insisting that I was fine, she still kept trying to make sure I was okay.

And although it stung like hell the first minute he slapped me, I was fine now. I was used to it. My father had done way worse than just slap me, so by now I was completely used to being hit. Because between Jason shoving me and slapping me around, my father punching me and kicking me and stomping me out, and the multiple times men have raped me, I was sad to say that I was immune to the pain. It was nothing new to me. It was something I've experienced all my life and I wasn't going to escape it anytime soon. I was used to it.

Justin kept apologizing for his cousin's actions, and I kept saying "It's okay." Partly because I was used to it and knew that Justin had nothing to be apologizing for, and partly because I didn't want to have the conversation.

"You're not the only one, dollface." Diana said as she re-entered the room for the hundredth time. "The only one who's gotten hit by Jason, I mean. He's hit me before, and it hurt. And I cried, a lot. But he does it because he can't control his temper. That doesn't mean he doesn't still care about you." Diana gave me a warm rag and guided my hand to press against my cheek.

"I'm fine." I just said in the same monotonous voice that I used since I sobered up.

"I used to be jealous of you. Because Jason still loves you, and he would really kill for you when the time comes. And I wanted him to love me like that." Diana started speaking, "I know he'll never love me that way. He's got his heart set on loving you."

"What are you talking about?" I asked defensively. Jason didn't love me. I knew that. A fool could tell that.

"He hits you, and even though he's angry and wants to do much more than slap you, he walks out the house and goes somewhere else so he doesn't hurt you anymore. He drops everything to make sure you're okay. He even has you staying in his house and makes the guys watch over you. He wouldn't do so much if he didn't love you." Diana said.

"He doesn't think I know, but I see how he looks at you. He acts like he hates you and all that, but he doesn't." Diana sighed. "Even though I love Jason, too, I understand how he loves you. You have history, and you're extremely gorgeous."

"You're just talking out your ass now." I chuckled. I dropped the rag and sauntered across the bedroom towards a bottle of pills. I poured two into my hand and went back to the bed, where a glass of water was waiting for me.

"I'm not talking out of my ass," said Diana, "He looks at you the way I wish someone looked at me. When he looks at me, it's nothing like how he looks at you. And I don't think he means to do it intentionally."

I didn't say anything after that. I just remained quiet, and after a while she started talking again. "We had an argument about you once. It was because I didn't like that he still loved you."

What was I supposed to say about that? I remember that argument because I overheard it the day I woke up and was in Jason's house.

"I was so jealous of you, Slim. Gosh, I hated you." I saw her eyes get glassy and she looked down and blinked the tears away. "I wanted him to love me that way. And when we had sex... Damn it, I don't think you know how lucky you are, Slim."

"How does you two having sex make me lucky?" I asked.

"He admitted to loving you. He said it to you plenty of times before, I'm sure. But when we had sex, I told him I thought I was falling in love with him. And you know what he said when I asked if he loved me back? Go ahead, guess."

I shrugged, unsure of the answer.

"He said he didn't think so, because he didn't know what love was anymore. He said he was pretty fond of me. Ha! Fond of me. Not even that he liked me, but that he was pretty fond of me." She cried, "God only knows the stuff I'd do just to hear those three magic words from Jason."

"I'm sorry." I felt the need to tell her that. She wasn't as bad as I thought, I realized. She was extremely talkative, and a bit annoying after a while, but she wasn't nearly as bad as I thought she was. She just needed some time to get used to.

"Hey, don't worry about it. It's not your fault." She chuckled and waved it off. "You can't control who falls in love with you. But God only knows, if you could I'd love to make him fall in love with me."

"It's not all that great, falling in love." I said. Diana looked at me with a look of doubt. She pursed her lips together and placed a hand on her hip. "Okay, I'm lying. It's really great. Because you finally have somebody to love and care for, and for once you're not selfish as hell because there's someone in your life who's like your whole reason for going on and on in this shitty world." I paused, "You have someone who makes you feel butterflies, and you want to be with them and every second of every day and you want to see their beautiful smile, and these that gorgeous laugh, and feel their touch.

"And you're just happy every time you're together because you fucking love him..." I couldn't help but to smile at the memories of when I was in love. Until more thoughts came to mind, and I got so angry. I started crying hysterically.

"But you fucking hate it at the same time! Because you love them so much that you worry about them so much, over the smallest things. And they can really hit a nerve, and then when they fuck up... God, when they do that... When they mess up," I sniffled and wiped my eyes. "They really do know how to fuck up." I cried some more. "When they fuck up, it makes you go fucking nuts. It makes you want to just, Ugh!" I yelled and threw the closest thing to me across the room. The wet rag.

"When they fuck up, it makes you want to just die...or kill someone. And you end up in a fucked up position, and they make you go completely crazy and nuts in the head. And," I sighed and got quiet. Diana stood there in shock, not knowing what to say. She sighed and  sat down next to me.

I leaned my head against her shoulder and silently cried. "Love is the best hurtful thing you can ever experience in your life."

"I believe you." Diana said. She wrapped her arms around me and just held onto me while I let it all out. Everything I've been feeling since I started my relationship with Jason. Everything I've been holding in since we started this relationship. I was finally letting it all out. And I couldn't help but feel extremely vulnerable, yet relieved. It was like a whole weight let off my shoulders.

After a while I got myself together and straightened up. I sniffled and wiped my eyes again. "Shit, what am I doing? I'm sorry." I apologized, "You didn't have to hear that. I don't know what came over me, ya know?" I sighed. "Thank you, though." I smiled, "For listening." Diana smiled back and have me a hug. "You're a great listener. I'm sorry I thought so horrible about you." I apologized again.

"Sometimes, people need someone to listen to them, and not talk." Diana said. "I'm here anytime, love. And here, take my number down," she gave me her phone and reached for mine. "Whenever you need someone to talk to, or to listen to you, I'll be there."

"You're not so bad, Diana." I said, with a smile.

"You neither, kid."