The Science Of Second Chances//Book Two

Chapter 15~ Chemical Reactions

Teddy's P.O.V

There were several different emotions that I felt when John was kissing me. The first was surprise. I was surprised that he actually did it. The second was anger, anger that he did it. That anger at him transformed quite quickly into anger at myself because, now that I think about it, I was the one who moved closer to him and obviously gave him the wrong idea (Or maybe it's the right one....? No, shut up, Teddy.)
The third emotion was annoyance. I was annoyed that he was kissing me because I didn't want to kiss him (Or perhaps- NO, SHUT UP, TEDDY.) Then I became annoyed at myself because I still hadn't broken the kiss. Before I could push him away though another emotion flowed through my body. It was tingly and made me shiver. It felt like my heart was fluttering, like John's lips had made it grow little wings. It was hard to explain but I knew one thing; the last time I had felt that feeling was when I had been head over heels for Jim.

I pulled away from John with a small gasp, my hands gripping the front of his shirt tightly. I felt light-headed. I think I forgot to breathe while I was kissing him. John looked at me, his eyes- which were a mixture of brown, Grey and blue, I realized- locking with mine. He seemed a little worried but I could see the excitement in his eyes as well.

"I- I'm sorry," he said slowly, like he couldn't really believe what had happened. "Teddy, I'm sorry."

I didn't reply. No, I couldn't reply because I was too busy thinking about how stupid I had been these past few months.
Had I really become so blind that I could no longer see the chemical reactions that people related with... love? I hated it so damn much that I couldn't see the feelings John has for me. I could see it now though, every little memory that included him had a sign that I didn't notice the first time.  The wandering eyes with his dilated pupils, the quickening of his breath whenever I was near. His heartbeat which would increase whenever my attention was just on him. How flushed he would look like it was a hot summer day. Those were the things that used to happen to me whenever I looked at Jim, and now the same thing was happening to John whenever he looked at me.

A sudden, horrifying thought came to my mind. Was.... was I reacting the same way around John? I searched through my mind, trying to find a time when my mind had gone blank just by looking at him, or a time when I had the smallest feeling of wanting to be more then friends with him. Was it when we were in hospital? When I woke up and found him by my side, his hand holding mine? Or when he was with me at the pool trying to stop me from bleeding to death? Was there a time before that when I wanted more? I didn't know.
What about tonight at the flat when I saw him all dressed up? There had been a moment where my blood had gotten warmer and my mind had felt a little fuzzy. Yes, tonight I had felt something different for John. And that thought that had entered my mind just before we left the party.
He's my friend. Nothing else.
Because I had to convince myself that that was all. I shouldn't have to convince myself that, but I did. Because I had to. Because-
Oh, dear God, no.

"Teddy?" John said, looking a little more worried now. "Teddy, please say something."

My mouth felt dry. I couldn't think properly. Part of me blamed it on the alcohol, sugar and lack of sleep but I knew those weren't the reasons why. Of course they weren't.

"It's fine, John," I finally said, swallowing.

"P-pardon?"

"That.... that thing. It's fine, it's alright," I repeated. He relaxed a little and I saw him smile slightly. He seemed like a long distance away.

"Really?" he asked. I could see his excitement growing. Oh, yes, she must like me too!

"You've had a little bit to drink, we both have. We're not thinking straight," I said softly. There was a sharp pain in my chest when I saw his face fall.

"....What?"

"We're not thinking right. It didn't mean anything," I whispered, realizing how much it hurt to say. I let go of him. Slowly he moved his swing away from mine, looking away from me. I could easily see that he was hurt at what I had said.

"Oh."

Swallowing I stood up and walked a small distance away. The city was waking up. Already there were a few people walking by, going to work or a shop or just for the sake of walking. Cars drove by and I saw that a few of them were cabs.

"We should get home," I murmured, beginning to walk towards the road.

"Yeah, um.... yeah. You... you go ahead. I'll see you later, yeah?" John said, unable to hide the disappointment and sadness from his voice.

I didn't think I could've hated myself any more then I did at that moment.

"John...." I said, turning around.

"No, it's fine, I'm.... fine Go on, I'll see you later. Just give me a moment, please," he said. I stared at him a little longer then when all the emotions I was feeling became too much to bear, I turned away and walked towards the road alone.

I was able to hold it together through the cab ride back home. I let myself inside without waking Sherlock upstairs who was still asleep judging by the light snores I could hear. Mrs Hudson was nowhere to bee found, but I couldn't see her coat so I guess she was out.
Opening the door into my flat I chucked off my heels and let myself fall onto the sofa. I lay there thinking and feeling.

Love doesn't exist. So many people get hurt because of it. It never works out and I had so many examples of relationships that had gone wrong. Mrs Hudson and her husband. Anderson and his wife. Lestrade and Esme. Jim and I.
Love doesn't exist. I've told myself that a million times, it's the motto that I live by.
Things change though, don't they? Was this one of those things that were changing?
"Will you ever love again?"
"Love? It doesn't exist, John,"
"Maybe it does. Maybe it would if you let it,"
"Let's say, for argument's sake, that it does exist. Why in the world would I let it in? Love causes pain. I don't want to be in pain, John."
"Why in the world would I hurt you, Teddy?"
I could feel my heartbeat speeding up just by thinking about that conversation. I could feel John's lips on mine. I can still taste the sugar and alcohol that had lingered on his lips. They were gentle. He was gentle. The kiss wasn't bad at all, given that half his face had been covered by a mask and I still had my vampire fangs on. 
I shook my head side to side, sitting up and heading towards the bathroom. I shouldn't be thinking about that.

Turning the shower on I let my hair down and got undressed, pulling out my fake fangs and chucking them aside. I caught my reflection in the mirror before I climbed into the shower. My lips were slightly kiss swollen and bruised. I touched them carefully and, for a fleeting second, I wanted to kiss John again.

The mixed emotions swelled up again and I ducked under the head of the shower, letting the water warm my frozen body. It didn't manage to drown my emotions though. They were all so confusing and my head was beginning to hurt because of it.
Love doesn't exist, and yet here I was thinking that perhaps all this time I had been wrong. Then Jim would remind me that no, I'm not wrong.
But then John and his amazing lips would make me think differently.

In the end I came to a conclusion: When you're experiencing a tsunami of mixed up emotions all at once and you end up thinking about an ex-boyfriend and a possible boyfriend and how utterly screwed up love is, take a shower. Showers are great during times like these. They're loud which means no-one can hear you cry. The water hides your tears too. They wash them all away.

Comment and fave if you like this book! Thanks!

XOXO ~ DM