Falling for you (phan)

Chapter 17

I would like to start off by saying how sorry I am that I haven't updated in so long. I have been really stressed and couldn't concentrate long enough to write a chapter. Also possible trigger warning.

Dans pov

I wake up in Phil's arms and feel his warmth radiating from his body. I giggle as I feel his breath on my neck and turn around in his arms to face him. I still can't remember a lot of things like why I was on the bridge in the first place or simple things like that. I have kinda just been making assumptions and pretending like it doesn't bother me.

I feel Phil start to stir in his sleep telling me that he will be awake soon so I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep so we can stay like this.

"Morning beautiful." Phil says with his voice still full of sleep. He kisses my nose and opens his eyes fully.

"You know that it's kinda obvious that you are awake right?" He says smirking as I open my eyes and laugh.

"How did you know?" I question as I cuddle further into him.

"It was kinda just a guess and if you weren't than you wouldn't even know I said it." He says with a smirk still evident on his face.

"Well in that case, yes I am still in fact sleeping and it is rude to wake people up." I say and he just sighs. We stay like this for half an hour, he is playing with my hair the whole time and it makes me want to stay like this for even longer.

"Dan!" My mum yells up the stairs as she opens my door covering her eyes as if she is expecting to see something. She slowly takes her hand away.

"Oh well I guess it's better to be safe then sorry. Anyways I need you to clean your bathroom and room before you go anywhere today." My face is still burning red at the fact that my mum  though she would walk in on us doing something.  I sigh at the fact that I have to leave this affection but stand up and throw on a random grey shirt and black skinny jeans. I mess with y hair in the mirror not liking the fact that it is curly but I wasn't going to do anything about it.

I look around my room and throw a couple stuff into a basket and threw out a few pieces of paper. I always keep my room semi clean or else it annoys me. I turn to Phil and lean down to kiss him as he sits there smiling at me.

"It will take two seconds to clean to bathroom you can stay here if you want." I say as I see him start to get up to follow me. 

"Okay but don't be to long, still want more kisses." I kiss him one more time before I walk into the bathroom and throw more clothes into a basket. The bathroom is clean mostly too but I look under the sink and organize stuff in there too.

As I finish up I see a metal box in the way back so I pull it out. I don't recognize it at all so I flip it over and see the word "escape" written on it. I get curious and open it, inside I see several blades. I drop the box into the ground as I fall back sliding down the wall shaking.

I feel myself start to cry as I get that part of my memory back, wishing that I didn't. I feel myself black out and fall all the way down.

~flashback~

I'm sitting in my bathroom shaking as the words replay threw my mind. I try to shake my head so they stop but it is no use. I feel tears fall from my eyes as I look down at the box infront of me.
I felt as though it was the only option and the only true escape. I want to scream and shout. Make all of this stop. Stop the pain. I pick up the blade and pull it along my wrist and see fresh blood come from my arm. I feel sudden relief and start to calm down until my mind starts throwing the words back at me.

"Fag" "crying for your little boyfriend Danny boy?" I start shaking as the blue eyes spit words that are worse then any knife or gun. I feel myself get dizzy as I slide it over my wrist again watching the crimson liquid leave my body.

~end of flashback~

I wake up in Phil's arms as he is crying. I take in my surroundings and see the box laying open on the floor and I start to feel the familiar need for it. I feel like my old self again, or what I think I my old self.

"I'm so fucking sorry!" Phil said digging his head into my neck. I start rubbing his back to calm him.

"It's okay it isn't your fault." I say trying to be comforting but failing as he looks up at me.

"Yes it is dan I did all of this to you and said all of those things to you. I'm so sorry and I know sorry will never be enough but I hope you can forgive me for being so stupid. I never wanted to hurt you and that is exactly what I did. I don't deserve you and you need someone that will help you, not end up hurting you. I'm just so sorry." He sags as he cried.

"Phil what you did was wrong yes. But I have said before that I forgive you. I didn't before but that was because I didn't know the real you. You have proved plenty I times that you have changed and I believe you. I love you Phil."

"I love you so much dan." He says as he kisses me and I can't help but to hug him tighter.

But once you have wanted to die, it never really goes away. It stays inside waiting to see how much it ca take from you when you are finally happy. Now that I can remember my brain is buzzing and I guess I was gonna go down hill sooner or later.