Don't make me go

Eight

Hey guys! Sorry this chapter sounds a bit down and sad, I'm trying to develop the characters piece by piece so hopefully this chapter gives you a tiny bit of insight on Connor's feelings about himself. :) I hope you love it. Also, please leave your tips and/or strange fetishes in the comments. Comments make my day :) <3
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He felt so hollowed out, so broken down. Why had he said those things? Why was he this way? Connor knew the answers, he just didn't like them. He'd wanted to protect himself for so long and now Oliver was something he couldn't seem to get over. As he laid in his bed, Connor gritted his teeth at the awful things he'd said. What was he supposed to do next? He should've just stayed out of Oliver's life in the first place. He should've stayed out of the things that didn't concern him. A thought came to mind after awhile of thinking, it hit him like a brick and knew that it was bad. Fishing his phone from his jacket pocket, Connor texted Paxton.
"Hey, can I come over?" Yes, the idea itself was stupid. Connor needed bad at that moment, he needed stupid. He needed those things to feel a little bit more valid, a little less crazy. A text came back a little while later, the timing just long enough to get under the boys skin.
"Didn't think I'd see you again so soon. I'm not complaining though :) meet me at my place at 5" The words Connor read almost sounded demanding, like Pax was taking all of the control Over the situation Connor had thought he'd had. The feeling had his heart racing, his anxiety catching up with him. He pulled on his coat and lazily smirked at his own reflection before leaving the house, there was something wild in his eyes. Something like that felt foreign these days, something else told him that soon things wouldn't feel that way. Wild was about to consume Connor again and he knew it, he knew it and wanted so badly to be afraid. He wished that his anxiety would fill him up and tear him apart because as he looked at himself in that mirror all he was beginning to see was broken pieces, mistakes from times before.. Times way before Oliver. He wished he would feel everything bad all at once because he knew that soon he wouldn't be able to feel at all. Paxton was about to seal that deal and after that he had no idea where he'd end up. Maybe home, maybe in the arms of a boy who didn't know his last name. Either way, the mirror would remember those broken pieces and every time Connor looked in the mirror and saw something he didn't like it would try and put a piece back together.. But memories can't replace themselves and you can't make up a broken heart, especially one you shatter on your own.
***
Standing outside of Paxton's apartment made Connors toes numb, maybe it was that or the sudden dropping temperatures. It was only five and the sun had been bright just a little while ago. It doesn't take long for the world to change, he guessed, it just takes forever for people to change the world. Connor called Pax who answered after two rings.
"I'm downstairs." Connor said.
"What? No hello?" Paxton laughed a little and it made Connor smile. He'd never heard him laugh before.
"Hello. Now can I come up? It's getting cold."
"You better, it's lonely up here." They could practically hear each other's smirks through the phone. It made Connor's heart speed up, sending him up to the apartment with a pang of nervousness that hadn't been there before. He knocked on the door and it quickly opened. Pax barely gave him a chance to bat his eyelashes before pulling him into the apartment and kissing him.
"What? No hello?" Connor said, catching his breath. Paxton smirked as he searched Connor's eyes, he kept trying to make eye contact but the boy kept looking down. Pax put a hand to Connor's cheek as he had him against the wall, their hips locking him in place.
"What are you doing?" Connor asked.
"Trying to look at you, for real. Whatever.." The boy released Connor who rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Connor shed his coat and placed it on the rack near the door, hands gripping his waist as his back was turned. Pax dipped his head into Connor's neck, kissing up until he reached behind his ear. The boy turned so they were facing each other.
"You seem.. Excited to seem me."
"That's because you asked to see me first." Connor seemed confused and Pax's cheeks turned red.
"You're not as professional with these types of things as you like to seem, are you?" This time Connor pressed close to Paxton, kissing his jaw for a moment as he waited for an answer.
"You aren't as amateur as you'd like to pretend, are you?" Connor stopped and this time he looked Paxton in the eyes.
"I guess this can be our little secret then, huh? We aren't what we'd like to be." Pax whispered.
"That's not a secret for anyone, no one is exactly what they'd like to be.. That's just how people are. But.. Maybe this time we can be what we are," Connor put a finger under Pax's chin and kissed him.. Professionally, "no one just has to know." Pax smiled nervously, his front of confidence fading a little. Connor felt wildness building again, it was fast and something in him greeted it like an old friend. Something in him hated it, made him feel like a.. Like a.. He pushed the word away and pulled Paxton to the bedroom, catching his reflection in a mirror on the way. He gritted his teeth and kissed the boy in front of him. This time he didn't see Oliver in the other boys face, he didn't have to. He could almost hear Oliver in the sounds this boy made and the way they touched. No, he'd never experienced this with Oliver, not like this, but something crazy, something wild and broken within him hoped with everything that he would. That something in him almost made him believe that, even as he showed Paxton what he was made of, that he may even have a chance with getting Oliver back, plus a few more pieces of himself that the mirror couldn't show.