Harley's Diary

Release

So I fell in love with my bestfriend when I was too young for love. I liked him while he liked everyone else, literally. Dude even went after my sister. This was about 7th grade. Maybe 6th. I don't know why I liked him so much. We really started vibing the summer right before 9th grade though. We would talk on the phone from the moment we woke up until it was time for us to go somewhere or do something else with our lives. It felt like he liked me too but he never said it. I was supposed to be his bestfriend, I wasn't supposed to like him. Maybe that's why he pretended to be oblivious. I ended up hiking him up with my friend Kimora and at the beginning of their relationship he stopped talking to me so much. He did this anytime he got a girlfriend. By the way he's in a grade higher than me. Somewhere along their relationship he needed me so we became close again. Long story short she broke up with him after 1 year 6 months and a few weeks. She lost feelings and felt that it was unfair for him to be in a relationship by himself. I wish he had that clemency for me. After Kimora he dated Arial. Then it was Kayla. Then it was Chamia. Then it was Kaitlin. During all of these girls he came after me basically telling me he wants to be with me so of course I went along with it. I felt like I was finally getting the love I was going after for all of this time even though it's not only me, I'll take it. That only played with my emotions. One second it was all about me, next I was comforting him about something his real girlfriend did. Ain't that some shit? The whole time he knew my rightful position was his bestfriend so the whole likey feelings thing was irrelevant to him, almost like he did it just to please me. Not even that. To shut me up. I told him how I don't want to hear about the other girls because it's supposed to just be me. That didn't last. We dated on and off for so long. And it wasn't even really dating it was just acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. We never went anywhere together if it wasn't a church function. Oh, and sexting. He was more interested in that than anything. Eventually we got back to being just bestfriends. Other than humping each other every time we were given some privacy. He didn't give a fuck about me. Not until I got a boyfriend. His name was edvonte. He was so wonderful. Tall, dark, and a churchboy. What more could I ask for? As soon as I started falling for Ed, he decided he likes me and wants me to be with him instead of Ed. What the fuck? How? When? Why? What?? I wasn't tryna hear it. At all. Soon he stopped trying and I was satisfied. But was I really? One night we went to sing at a church in Rome and on the way home we were cuddling, something we did every car ride, nothing inappropriate. Until that night. I was laying in his arms and and he bent down asking, you okay? So I nodded, pulled his head down and kissed him. We kissed the rest of the car ride till we almost got to my mom's place we laid down (we were on the church van) and he had his penis out and was pulling my pants down. He started rubbing it against my opening but he didn't actually go in, we were just enjoying each other's body. Making each other feel good. We got to my mom's so I went inside and instantly thought about edvonte and started crying. I wanted to call him but I couldn't find my phone so I used my sister's phone to call it and he answered the phone telling me I left it on the phone so they turned around. I called Ed and he told me He answered my phone which made him mad. The next night it happened again. Sigh. Me and Ed broke up weeks later because he felt like my mom didn't like him but that was bullshit. He just didn't wanna cheat on me. He told me earlier in the relationship if he ever feels like he's about to cheat he's just gonna break up with me so. That's that. Fast forward. Me and him (bestfriend) are doing our stupid little 'oh i still have feelings for you lets be together' thing again. So this was around prom time. His prom date was my good friend Najhimah. So one night she sends me screenshots of him telling her about his love for her and how he wants to be with her so bad and how he's always liked her. So um, did you forget we were "together?" She didn't know what we were doing at the moment so don't think she's evil or something. So literally a few minutes later he tells me "Terri I can't do this" so I'm like, what's wrong? Already knowing what he's about to say. Anytime one of his girls would do something to him he'd be like I can't do this. Dramatic, I know. Then he goes on to tell me about how he really likes her but she doesn't like him like that. Of course my dumb ass comforted him, neglecting my own emotions. Which he too neglected. That's when I started feeling like I'll never really be someone he wants/likes. Once again, he knew my rightful position which is why it was so easy for him to come to me with girl problems like we weren't together. Sigh. So I told him to just stop smothering her so much and let her get to know you better and maybe she'll grow to like you. So the next day she sends me a screenshot of her telling him she's gonna give him a chance, you know, try something out. Seconds later he texts me "I'm so happy." I had to pretend to be happy for him and eventually I wasn't pretending. As long as he was happy I was happy. That's how it has always been on our friendship. Ain't no 50/50, it's all about him. And I probably should have split this chapter up but too late now. They dated and went through ups and down and broke up after about 5 months. Once again, "I still have feelings" bullshit. She was in college by this time so she wasn't around to "keep him happy." But best believe when she came back into town, Terri didn't matter. Terri who? It was sad. And everyone noticed that when she was around he acted like I wasn't. she still treated me with love like a sister. Soon as started being distant because her fuck ass family members told her lies and shit making it seem like I was going after him when he was the one who wanted to be together and I even told him we shouldn't because he still has feelings. Did he listen? Hell no. So I gave in. I would say I broke up with him but I know he'd never take a relationship with me seriously even if there was a ring on my finger. So I told him we shouldn't be anything more than bestfriends. We were a mess. I did it because every time we got around each other, we would have a good time but by the end of every night we argued and I cried. that nigga acted like he hated me. Seriously. He treated me like shit. I've always felt like he hated me because I wasn't her. She still doesn't know that that went on between us but only because he didn't want her to. To me, that means he either knew it was wrong or didn't want her to think he wanted anyone other than her. To be honest with you I was just his rebound. Just someone who could love him in his time of need. Gosh I hate him. So a few weeks later he's still confessing his love for her but she doesn't want to get back into it because she wasn't getting as  much out of the relationship as he was. Well, one day my phone died and my charger conveniently broke. So I went a day without the world. When dad bought me a charger I charged me phone up and she told me I've missed  a lot so I'm thinking oh fuck what now. I'm thinking its another drastic argument but it turns out they've gotten back together. I left something out though, she is teamTerri all the way so anytime I went to her with a problem or something he did she told him he was wrong and he basically kisses the grown she walks on so of course he came to me apologizing when she went off. So that same day that my phone got charged back up he apologized for how he's mistreated me. So later on in the day he was like I have my bestfriend and my girlfriend back. Blah blah blah. Ever since then we haven't gotten back "together" but that hasn't stopped him from shitting on me time after time. You can only take so much, ya know? Like right now I'm so over him I don't even want to accept these Valentine's Day gifts from him tomorrow. Speaking of Valentine's Day... So he and his girlfriend were supposed to go out today since we have church tomorrow but she stayed at school because something went wrong with her math test so I guess she's gonna try to take it again idk. But since she isn't in town today, he had the nerve to and can we go somewhere. Bitch. I'm not your second choice anymore I'm not about to go out somewhere because your girlfriend couldn't make it. Just stay your ass at home. I deserve better. So yea I'm done with him as far as all that lovey dovey shit. Never got much from him out of it anyways. He doesn't even treat me like a real bestfriend. I can't go to him for comfort. Not even advice about another guy. He ain't shit y'all he really ain't. All he's given me is a good time, a good laugh, and some dance lessons. I feel like if he decided he didn't want to be friends anymore, I'd be okay. I'm still holding on to our friendship because I promised him I'd never leave and I'm trying to be patient and wait for him to be a good bestfriend. I call him my Beyoncé but is he really?