West Side Story (but with lesbians)

Act 1. Scene 1.

5:00 P.M. The Street.

A suggestion of city streets and alleyways: a brick wall.

KRUPKE: Knock it off! Settle down.

SCHRANK: All right: Kill each other! ...But not on my beat.

RIFF: [such innocence]Why if it isn't Lieutenant Schrank.

SEVERAL JETS: [dancing class manners]To of the day, Lieutenant Schrank.

BERNARDO: [one with Riff]And Officer Krupke!

SEVERAL SHARKS: Top of the day, Officer Krupke.

SCHRANK: Boy, what you Puerto Ricans have done to this neighborhood. Which one of 'em clobbered ya, A-rab? [A-rab looks to Riff, who takes over with great helpful seriousness.]

RIFF: As a matter of factuality, sir, we suspicion the job was done by a cop.

SNOWBOY: Two cops.

A-RAB: Oh, at least!

KRUPKE: Impossible!

SCHRANK: Didn't nobody tell ya there's a difference between bein' a stool pigeon and cooperatin' with the law?

RIFF: You told us the difference, sir. And we all chipped in for a prize for the first guy who can figure it out.

ACTION: [indicating Schrank]Maybe buddy boy should get the prize.

SCHRANK: Don't buddy me, Action! I got a hot surprise for you: you hoodlums don't own the streets. There's been too much raiding between you and the PRs. All right, Bernardo, get your trash outa here. [Mock Charm.] Please.

BERNARDO: Let's go, Sharks.

[They exit.]

SCHRANK: [to Jets]If I don't put down the roughhouse, I get put down -on a traffic corner. Your friends don't like traffic corners. So you buddy boys are gonna play ball with me. I gotta put up with them and so do you. You're gonna make nice with them PRs from now on. Because otherwise I'm gonna beat the crap outa every one of ya and then run ya in. Say good-bye to the nice boys, Krupke.

KRUPKE: Good-bye, boys.

[He follows Schrank out.]

SNOWBOY: [imitating Krupke]Good-bye, boys.

A-RAB: They make a very nice couple.

ACTION: [bitterly]You hoodlums don't own the streets.

SNOWBOY: Go play in the park!

ACTION: Keep off the grass!

BABY JOHN: Get outa the house!

ACTION: Keep off the block!

A-RAB: Get outa here!

ACTION: Keep off the world! A gang that down own a street is nuthin'!

RIFF: WE DO OWN IT! Jets -square off! Acemen: [Diesel, Action and Snowboy line up at attention] Rocketmen: [three others line up] Rank-and-file: [Sheepishly, A-rab trudges into position, Baby John behind him.]

BABY JOHN: [shocked, to A-rab]Gee, your ear's got blood on it!

A-RAB: [proudly]I'm a casual, Baby John.

BABY JOHN:  [examining the ear]Them PRs! They branded you!

SNOWBOY: That makes you a Puerto Rican tomato. Cha-cha-cha, señorita?

RIFF: Cut the frabbajabba. Which one of the Sharks did it?

A-RAB: Bernardo. 'Cause I heard him say: "Thees ees for stink-bombin' my old man's store." [He makes the same gesture Bernardo made when he pierced his ear.]