No Matter What (Jaspar AU)

8. Sinner

Joe Sugg
"So why don't you go back?" I heard Caspar ask.

Then suddenly, I couldn't hold back the tears. The rolled from my eyes like balls on a slope. I couldn't stop them.

I cried because I knew exactly why I didn't go back. I cried because my past was too painful to handle. I cried because I was scared of how Caspar made me feel. And I cried because I missed how my life used to be.

In all honesty, I was a mess.

Caspar immediately moved his book aside and pulled me into a hug. We were both sat on the floor, leaning against the bookcase, so it was kind of an awkward position to hug in. But it felt nice. His strong scent was oddly comforting. He smelled of washing powder and Lynx. I felt almost at home in Caspar's arms, more so than I felt in my own house. This scared me, causing more tears to form in my eyes.

Instinct told me to push him away, to run from the library and from school, and to hide in my room and wallow in my own self-pity. But I didn't. I let Caspar comfort me. And I let myself cry in front of him- something that I would never usually do.

I felt so warm.

It was wrong.

I had always been told that being gay was a sin. And if I was gay I must be a sinner. Adam was made for Eve, not John.

But for something that was supposed to be wrong, it felt so fucking right.

But Caspar was straight. No matter what I felt, it wouldn't matter. And I hated myself for it.

The words: "No matter what." Floated around in my head but I pushed them away. I'd tried, I really had; but loving yourself when you are such an easy person to hate was hard. And I had given up. I was a disgusting human being, and I deserved all the shit that came my way. I knew I had to leave Caspar alone, I couldn't let myself drag him down with me, I had to protect his kind little heart no matter how much I wanted it for myself. But I couldn't make myself push him away.

Caspar pushed me back so that I was at arms length and stared me in the eyes. His eyes were so beautiful. They were small, ocean blue orbs that glittered in the light. I could have stared into them forever. I forced my eyes away from his for fear of getting lost in them.

"Come on," he said, " let's get out of here. I think you need some fresh air."

I knew I needed something, but I'm not sure that it was fresh air. More like a slap in the face. But I nodded anyway.

Caspar picked up the pile of books on the floor. He stood up, pulling me up with him. His hand reached out to take the book that was in my hand. I handed it to him, then bent over to pick up my bag and jacket. I threw my coat on, then slung my bag onto my back. I winced in pain as I remembered the bruise on my left shoulder. So I took my bag off and put it only on my right side. I looked over at Caspar.

Thankfully he hadn't noticed my wince. I couldn't have him knowing how much physical pain I was in, he already pitied me for the pain on the inside. I tried to ignore the bruises, but when something touched them, it was literally a painful reminder of what my life was really like. I was lucky that I never had any on my face. I'd only ever had one. That was ok because I could make up some stupid excuse for it, but if it had been a regular occurrence, it wouldn't have been so easy to hide.

Caspar had finished putting the books away. His bag and coat were on and he was waiting for me to say something. I had been daydreaming, staring off into space as I thought.

"You ready?" Caspar asked. I nodded. I had a huge lump in my throat from crying, so I couldn't talk. He smiled and put his arm around my shoulders. I forced myself to ignore the pain this caused. He led me out of the school. We were walking down the street. He had dropped his arm now. This had annoyed me, but pleased me at the same time. My shoulders felt cold without his arm, but at least I wasn't in any pain.

As we walked down the street, he stopped suddenly. He walked over to a bench at the side of the road and sat down on it. So I followed and sat next to him, leaving about six inches between us. I found it odd, since he didn't say a single word. He hadn't since we had been in the library. It scared me a bit, because Caspar was always trying to talk to me.

"Caspar?" I said after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah Joe?" Caspar replied.

"I'm sorry." I apologised.

"Why'd you say that?" Caspar asked.

"Because I am."

"For what?"

"For pushing you away and being an asshole when you were being nice to me, and because you're stuck doing a project with me, and because I cried in front of you because I'm too weak to hold it in."
I said it all without really taking a breath. I wanted to get it out before he could interfere. I looked at the floor and kicked a stone around with the toe of my black converse. I heard Caspar sigh next to me.
"Joe, I..." He started. But then shut his mouth. He was a bit gobsmacked. I took this opportunity to try and run.

"I'm sorry, I have to get home." I said and got up. I only got a few steps when I felt Caspar grab my wrist. I cried out in pain. It was my left wrist. It was injured. But the injuries on my wrist weren't ones that I could blame on simply falling over, or hitting my arm on something. It only took one look to know what they were, to know that I had made them myself.

Caspar released my wrist instantly.
"Shit, Joe I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to grab you that hard." He said quickly.
I shook my head and pulled the cuffs of my sleeves down over my hands.

"No it's ok. I'm fine." I assured him.

"Please don't leave yet. You don't have to run all the time." Caspar told me softly. He looked genuinely sad and guilty. I sighed as I gave in. I slowly walked back to the bench and we both sat back down together.

"Joe, you know you don't have to be sorry, right? You have every right to push me away. I'm just stubborn. My curiosity always gets the best of me. I've been nosy and I know that. I should have left you alone. I had no right to intrude." Caspar admitted.

"But that's the thing Caspar; I don't really mind that much. It's nice to have someone to talk to for once, someone that cares." I said slowly.

"They do care about you, you know. I see it in their eyes every time someone mentions your name. They miss you, even Marcus." Caspar told me. "Especially Marcus." He sighed. I nodded. He was wrong, but I wanted him to be right so badly that I just went along with it.

"They might care, but they don't want me back. If they did, they would've told me ages ago." I told him. I was showing my angry side. I hated it.

"Joe, it's not like that." Caspar told me.

"Yes it is!" I almost shouted. This shocked Caspar. He looked at me with shock and sadness flowing from his eyes.

"You really don't get it do you?" He said softly but sadly.

"I'll see you tomorrow. I'll bring the paper." I said quietly, then I got up and started walking away.

"Joe!" Caspar called. I stopped but didn't turn around. He took that as a yes.

"Are we gonna meet again tomorrow?After school? In the library?" I heard him ask.

"If that's what you want." I said, without turning around. I walked off slowly. I expected him to follow me, to run after me and tell me to not be so stupid. I expected him to tell me that he cares and to beg me not to go.

But life doesn't work like that. People don't chase you, they don't care. Not about people like me. Caspar let me go. Marcus let me go. My mum let me go.

Who would want a sinner like me?