No Matter What (Jaspar AU)

19. Sorry

Caspar Lee
It was unbelievably terrifying to see Joe in such a bad state. You have to understand that I hadn't heard from Joe all morning so I had no idea where he was and since he never lets people help him; seeing Marcus and Alfie virtually carrying his beaten body was a very distressing sight. I'd also been becoming increasingly more worried about Joe over the past few days. His mood was so unpredictable, always suddenly flicking from being on top of the world, to 100ft underneath it and I couldn't understand why. Whenever I had tried talking to him about it, he always somehow found a way to deflect the conversation in a different direction and it angered me profoundly. Did he realise how obvious it was that he was hiding something? Did he think I was an idiot? Anyone with the smallest amount of observational skills could tell that he was keeping secrets, and not just from me, from Zoe as well. I knew this for definite. In fact, she knew less about Joe's current mental state than I did.

That's why I could barely speak to Joe all day. We were sat in a room, just the two of us, for hours, and yet we barely said ten words to each other. I was frightened and angry and in shock and Joe was just Joe. It struck me how much of a quiet person Joe really was. If I didn't start a conversation, there probably wouldn't be one.

So when I picked Joe and Zoe up in my car on the way to school the next day, it was understandably awkward and quiet. Alfie was ill which was why Zoe was with us; she normally got a lift with him. She was sat in the back seat, whilst Joe and I were in the front. I could see her worried looks in the rear view mirror. Her eyes flicked questioningly between the two
of us and I knew that she was getting concerned at our lack of conversation. Usually Joe and I talk on and on for hours, because even though Joe rarely starts off a conversation himself, if he's a part of one that he's enjoying, he'll talk quite happily.

I sighed quietly to myself and Joe's head snapped towards me. He frowned and I just looked straight ahead at the road I was driving on, with a blank expression on my face. From the corner of my eye, I saw his eyes widen as he stared at the side of my head; I was ignoring him, something I never normally did, but I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. I cared about him obviously, but I had so many angry thoughts going through my head that I just wanted him to realise how much his constant silence impacted me sometimes. Most of the angry thoughts weren't even directed at him. Many of them were the creations of the dickheads who beat him up, but nonetheless, I let them all consume me as I drove.

We said goodbye to Zoe as we walked through the school. I took my seat in the corner of the empty classroom we found ourselves in every morning and Joe sat next to me. I was surprised to see that no one, not even Marcus and Niomi had showed up yet. That left the two of us alone again. My phone buzzed in my pocket so I pulled it out to see a message from Zoe. It read:

Zoe: Is everything ok? That car ride was the tensest thing I have ever experienced.

So I replied to her:
Everything's fine. I'm just tired.

It was pretty obviously a lie and I had no doubt that Zoe knew that. Her quick reply of 'sure' told me exactly that. I was about to text her again with some other excuses as to why her brother and I weren't talking when I heard Joe draw in a breath. I locked my phone and put it down as he began to speak.

"Are... Are you ignoring me for a reason Caspar?" Joe asked me quietly.

I was glad I didn't turn around as I knew that the pain I heard in his voice would have been evident on his face and would have broken my heart even more than his words already did. I squeezed my eyes shut and exhaled loudly.

"I don't mind if you are, I'd just like to know why." He mumbled. I kept my head low and answered him.

"I'm not, it's nothing." I muttered.