Winding Roads

Chapter 1: Anxiety

      Zayn was always different to me, even before we were dating. More intriguing than anyone that I knew, and I always had a special place in my heart for him. Of course, on the outside we were mates, nothing less nothing more, and that killed us both, and the people around us. The only other people that knew who we truly were, and our little secret. Loving Zayn is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and sometimes the worst. I love him so much, and seeing him hurt and seeing him in pain and anxious is the worst thing that i could experience. Every show he does is a nightmare to get him up there.

      "Zayn babe, we have to get ready for the show.." I softly say, rubbing his bare back and laying kisses on his soft skin. "I've already had the worst day, now this.." he mumbles into the pillow. "hey I know but the boys will be there to support you, especially me." I talk with a caring tone and sit him up. This was the easiest part, before he actually got the realization that he would have to perform again. Its getting him on stage, thats all. after that he's fine, but after the show, he gets bad again until he goes to sleep. Its tough, for us both and after doing it for so many years, some day he has to put himself first, but he's scared, and I don't blame him. Not one bit. "can I have a kiss?" zayn says puckering his lips. "mm of course baby, but after you get dressed, cant kiss you while you're only in your boxers, you know how that always turns out." he giggles a bit at the thought and gets out of bed putting on the outfit i laid out for him. I always wondered how he would be, if his whole life wasn't run by his anxiety. I wish for the day that he can be free of this nightmare, and I'll be with him through it all.

      15 minutes before showtime, 1 hour and 45 minutes into Zayns anxiety attack. It's bad tonight, bad enough that I don't think we will get him on stage tonight. Sometimes this happens, and we have to allow him some space, a nights break from this never ending torture he endures. luckily, although i cant hold him and kiss him while i perform, his mum is on the way and can do plenty of that for me. "you stay on the bus and hang out with your mum ok babe? you'll blink and ill be right back in that bed with you." zayn nods and sniffles and hugs me tightly "i love you so much.." he whispers "i love you too darling, go rest up, i have a surprise for you tomorrow" i say with a smile on my face as i peck his lips and walk to the stage. I love him so much, anxiety and all. nothing will make my love any less for him. which i know he needs.

      I got off stage as fast as i could, changed into whatever clothes i could find quickly, and ran to the bus to see Zayn, and when i got there he was peacefully asleep, curled up, and looking cuter than ever. Carefully and slowly and laid down beside him, wrapping my arms around him, which earned a happy "mm" from Zayn.

      The next day, as always he was exhausted. Drained, and on every anxiety medication that he was allowed to take. This was like his anxiety hangover, and with this tour not having many days off in-between, he was in a constant tiring loop of feeling sick and exhausted all day, and having panic attacks at night, oh how i wish this section of the tour was over, Zayn really needed that break right about now. "I'm gonna go for a walk you wanna come babe?" i offered knowing he would say no, but i always asked, "no.. i think ill just chill out here" i nodded and pressed a kiss on his cheek. "you rest up my love, ill tell you about the surprise when i come back!" he nods and smiles at me having a sudden change of heart "ill come on that walk with you" he said, surprising me, and himself i think. "even though we cant hold hands?" i explained, frowning. "i guess ill just have to pretend that we are." he made a fist and swung his arm back and forth as if he was holding my hand and i chuckled walking out of the room with him following closely behind me. The overwhelming urge to hold his hand got even stronger when i noticed his body language change, as he realized there was a show later. I acted fast, getting him back to the hotel room, laying him down and going ro get him a snack and something to drink, i went into the room with the vending machine, and when i returned, he was gone. he had a tendency to run away, take off suddenly, and i should've known that, i should've stayed with him. i quickly ran down the stairs and outside and looked around. "did Zayn take off again?" Liam said coming up behind me. "yeah... did you see him?" i said still looking around "no.. but he texted me on accident earlier.. something to the effect of getting away, finally." he explained, "so he planned this?" i was upset, that i didn't know, that i didn't figure out that one day he would quit, that it would be too much and he would leave, and now he did. I quickly called a cab, and hurried the driver to the airport, hoping i would catch him in time. running out of the cab and into the airport, i frantically found the nearest airport worker, asking him if a jet was heading to london, he nodded and pointed to a gate and i ran, but it was too late, i was watching him take off. i was watching him fly away. and i could do nothing about it.