Winding Roads

Chapter 15: Music

      9 months seemed to go by slower than anything in this world, and Zayn and I needed something else to do other than chemo and doctor visits, he had talked about making his own music since he left the band but he never pursued it until now, of course the bands music wasn't who he was, and I knew he had his own ideas of what he wanted to sing, but he kept quiet, of course until now, where he now has a choice, he can chose to do what he wants to do, and I couldn't have been more excited to hear his music.

      It started with the note books, he was always writing songs now, I would do something or say something, and it seemed to spark something in his mind and he wrote it all down, for nearly a month my every move was becoming his songs, I mean no the lyrics weren't "my cancer bed ridden fiancé just got poison in his veins" but I think you can see that I'm trying to say that I was some of his inspiration. "babe you smell really good" I said in a sleepy and very happy voice, my small now frail body was curled in his lap, exactly where I wanted to be, and where I needed to be. It's said that depression is a side effect of cancer, or of dying but I wasn't depressed, I was scared yes, worried maybe, but depressed no. I had a fiancé we had a baby on the way and I was fighting this cancer, with every piece of my body. "you ready for the surgery?" I asked him, as if he was getting it but even though he wasn't, cancer is just s hard on the victim as it is on the family, and I was ready, but I wanted to see how he was feeling, how he felt about what was happening. "don't want to be away from my baby for that long but, you're in the best of hands in there, your team is amazing I mean they gave me cookies while I was waiting for you last time I mean there's no better surgical team than one that gives me cookies!" I giggled at how he answered the question, he was truly the cutest person on this earth, taking a question about them cutting into my brain, and making it about cookies, something only he could do.

     We brought the studio to us now, especially right before the surgery, when I was slowly becoming less aware of my surroundings, and my vision was slowly getting worse in my right eye, it was terrifying to me, but maybe the surgery would fix it right? "babe you look good today you feel good today?" I nodded slowly, and had to turn off the telly and look straight at him before I could answer him, "I feel good" I said and he leaned down and kissed my cheek, turning the telly back on for me and pulling my blanket up. "I love you" I said softly, well I thought it was softly, talking was something where I didn't  know how loudly I was actually talking, I just assumed that I wasn't yelling at him and I could usually tell if I was accidentally yelling at him when he chuckled his adorable little laugh and told me to "shhh" as he put his finger to my lips. for 2 weeks it's been like this but it feels like longer when I can now say I'm used to the situation I'm in, zayn helps me sit up to eat, and walk to the bathroom, mostly because I refuse to be carried and he humours me on that, but it would be much easier for everyone if I would swallow my pride. "tomorrow" zayn said, I had already forgotten that the surgery was tomorrow, or I just didn't think about it until he said it again, at this point everything was stirred up in my brain, confusion was the one thing I knew I was having, and a lot of it. "babe I want.." I forgot the word, another thing I was terrified of, forgetting. Forgetting Zayn especially.. that was something I couldn't handle. "pasta?" I shook my head no, "chicken?" I nodded and made a face as I knew there was a second part to what I wanted "salad?" I shook my head no once again "sex?" that was one word I didn't forget "chicken and sex" I said and I didn't see him but just felt his warmth and then his hand was on my cheek, and I opened my eyes to look at him, but my world wasn't filled with the sight of Zayn... it was black.. it was black and I was.. it was black.