Edge Of Desire

Sweetest Hell

Airport, one of the most fascinating place I've ever knew. Have you ever seen how fascinating Airport can be? This Airport hall had seen more sincere kisses than a wedding hall, an efforts of waiting someone you loved to comeback, to feel their warm hug back to your arm.

One thing that I found it really fascinating is, everybody here have a destination. You can see in the departure board in the wall, three words to describe where would you go, your destination. JFK, ICN, SIN, CGK, DPS, LHR, DXB, LAX, CDG, HND and more. Those three words were printed on your boarding pass as well.

Everybody have a destination except me.

I hold my boarding pass and staring at it for awhile. ICN had printed on that tiny paper-Incheon, Seoul, my hometown. Finally, the time I have to comeback has come. I am coming back to my hometown, the place that supposed to be my home. However, the words called 'home' has a different meaning to me. Home wasn't only a place you're staying at but the place where you belong, the place where you should go, the place that should have be your destination. Home is a long hug and thousand kisses with someone you love. Home is a person you're really missing. And, I don't have a place like home because I am homeless.

The announcer had already called for a boarding time as I woke up from my daydreaming about home. I got up from my seat and do a quick checking to my belonging before I head off to the boarding gate.

This is it. I am coming back home after three years. Three years that I really hoped I was changing.

*

It's been a week I had returned to Seoul. It's finally past summer in Seoul, tree leaves turning reddish yellow, rain clouds cleared off revealing the clear blue sky, leaving the gloomy weather behind. Fall foliage, some called it or better known as autumn. But I would rather refer it as the season of the smelly seeds, somehow the smells of the seeds would give you a calm feeling. Just take a deep breath, inhale and exhale it and let that smells streaming down to every cells of your body.

Seoul is always looking lovely when autumn comes. One of the reason why I've missed and crazily in love with this city way too much. Back, when I stayed in London, I had been missing how beautiful autumn in Seoul could be. Autumn in London and Seoul were looking totally different. London weather is suck, big time. Rain would fell quite intense when autumn comes, you will never see this deep beautiful autumn hues of the fallen red maple leaves as lovely as Seoul could offer.

But, on the contrary, no one hate Seoul as much as I am. This city knows too much about something I wouldn't remember, because this city holds too many memories about him-and I still couldn't figure it out how to keep myself sane enough whenever I threw my sight to every corner of this city without imagining his face in my mind.

From our usual bus line that used we took together to his favorite coffee shop in Hongdae, his favorite street food stand around Myeongdong, his favorite restaurant, the convenience store that he used to go whenever he felt hungry in the middle of the night. Call me crazy, because maybe-I really am. Even worse, when everybody seems to enjoy this pleasant afternoon around Han River, I couldn't see Han River the same way like before without feeling bitter and almost choke up.

I couldn't see anything but you, Song Mino.

And I don't know what's more tragic that I keep looking for you to wherever I go or that you're never here with me.
Five fucking years I wasted my time for loving him who couldn't even love me back.

"Ah... Having a meal around Han River wasn't really a bad idea." Wendy, my long-time best friend who already knew me inside out asked me to go out and we just finished our decent early dinner.