Edge Of Desire

Circle Of Mess

How long it is since the last time we had spent our very late midnight conversation like this, Song Mino? Now, I am wondering.

A guy who I really wanted to avoid for all I might now is here with me. His face is a bit small than the last time I've seen him three years ago. He has gotten more taller than before, his natural black hair now has changed-Mino dyed his hair to gold. He has changed a lot, and the funny part above anything-I am the one who doesn't change. I still love him quite too much.

"When did you comeback, Seul? Why don't you tell me?" He asked as he put a cigarette between his lips and lit it up. I watched the smoke rose straight up and disappeared into the darkness of the night.

"I've never knew you're smoking before, Mino." I didn't give him any answer.

He chuckled afterwards and move an inch closer to me before he gently pat my head. I flustered. "People changes, Kang Seulgi." He said.

Yeah, you changed too much, Mino. To put it mildly, you looks mess.

"Yeah, they are." I smiled at him as I took one of his cigarettes from his pocket. Following his action, I lit up the cigarette and letting the nicotine intoxicated through me. He looked at me in disbelief. What now, Mino? We're looking pretty much fucked up, aren't we?

He grabbed my arm, preventing me to smoke. His eyes were domineering and only look at me and I always loving this part of him who always take control through me entirely.

"What now, Mino?" I dared to ask.

"You used to hate cigarette and anything related to that thing."

"People changes, I suppose?"

"How much you fucked up yourself in London, Seul?"

My throat dried out of sudden. Well, if you really wanted to know and if I could really tell you the truth, Song Mino-how much I fucked up everything in my life-because how much I really want you. We will never have this kind of conversation under the starry night skies like we used to. I can't cross the line, by letting you know about my feeling with a highly chance of possibilities I would ended up losing you entirely-which means killing me. So, having you here by my side is enough. This is more than enough.

"And how much you fucked up yourself here, Mino?" I whispered, I tried not to break in tears as much as I can.

"Seul..." Mino leaned forward and rested his forehead on my shoulder. I was trying for not touching his head and his hair, but I wasn't that strong for that, I was too greedy to hold him in my arm. I was too greedy for being his shelter even it will bleed me to death.

"It's nice to see you back." He continued speaking.

"Mino-ya..."

"It's been a long time I couldn't hear that coming from your lips. Actually, I've missed your voice quite too much."

No, Mino. Don't do this to me.

"Song Mino..."

"Stay here, Seulgi."

"Mino-ya..."

"I need you."

That night, Mino told me everything about his relationship with Irene Unnie and his crashed world, his pain and despair upon their break up. I know everything and I could understand it better than anyone about losing someone whom you truly loved. But what would you do Mino? When you have to lose someone who doesn't even yours?

But there will be always one or two questions in this life that will remain unanswered. And here I am, I'm doing this thing again-no matter how much I run away, I will constantly go back to where you at, when you need me, when you called my name hopelessly, when I should've pushed you out from my place. Five years I've wasted my life for loving you, it took three years to distant myself from you and a day to crush it all into the tiniest pieces, but I just couldn't care less since I addicted with this excruciating pain called loving Song Mino.