Edge Of Desire

Closure

SONG MINO

If it's all wrong, what is it supposed to be, then?
The sun has risen, the day has changed, from every second that passed by until now—I can't find the right answer for that.I'm currently in the state of perfect madness.I watch Seulgi through the window outside her room. She's been sleeping soundlessly since I brought her to the hospital. Glad to know that there was nothing serious about her incident, but she needs to put in a check for 24 hours just in case something bad might happen with her lungs, which I hope she wouldn't."Her father will be coming at 8. He's currently on a flight from Japan." Seungyoon appears and informs me as he takes a seat next to me. He keeps staring at his phone since then.I nod at him, though probably he wouldn't notice. We're sighing in sync, as I stare to the hallway, I see Eunji from afar coming to us. She's Seungyoon girlfriend."I bought you a coffee and here, you guys need to eat." Eunji says as she gives us a bread.I smile at her. "Just give it to her Dad." I stand up from my seat.Seungyoon furrows his eyebrow as he fixates his eyes on me. "Are you leaving?""I need to get Irene. I haven't seen her since last night, she didn't pick my phone too. I'm scared if something bad happened to her.""Seulgi would be disappointed if you were not here."All of sudden, I feel like my brain is going to explode at any minute now. I can't handle the pressure inside my mind, I feel angry. I feel emotionally exhausted. I feel confused—they are mixed all together, fortuitously makes me feel in complete mess in a feeling I can't tell. I shout at him. "THEN WHY SHE HAS TO FEEL THAT WAY?!"Seungyoon stares at me in surprise, as well as Eunji. They may think if I have a mental issue right now."I think Mino is really tired right now, just let him go." Eunji whispers at Seungyoon but I still can hear it very clearly.Seungyoon didn't say anything, he stands still as he tries to examine mine. His eyes look fuming, somehow. I'm not really sure about that.He takes a few steps closer to me. His eyes are looking straight to me. "Mino-ya, look at me."I stare at him back. "What now, Kang Seungyoon?""You're scared of Kang Seulgi.""Why should I? She's my best friend.""You're scared because she's your best friend. You're scared because you're afraid of hurting her."I barely make a move or eye-contact. I freeze.No, I don't.I try to convince myself repeatedly. Trying to make me believe that she's okay, she's not hurting, I don't hurt her and a second later, as I look back, as I try to remind everything that happened - everything is telling me otherwise, which leads me back to the moment where I have to undergo that 'convincing myself' process all over again, but how many times I did that, it's became pointless because I already found the answer; I'm scared of my own feeling.

*

KANG SEULGI

The scents of etanol were the first thing that greeted me as I wake up. A sudden bright light makes me blind for a second, I cover my eyes with the back of my hand. An intravenous fluid embeds in my hand."Hey, how do you feel, my daughter?" Dad was the first person that I saw as I regain my consciousness. I look around to my surrounded, to the every space of this room—automatically searching for Mino."I'm good, just a little bit thirsty and hungry, but first can I have a drink?"Dad smiles and gives me a glass of water. I drink it in one go. "Seeing you talk a lot like this, I'm sure you're okay but just to make sure everything, I'm going to call the doctor first." He calls the doctor for a moment and went back to my room after that.It's weird seeing him in front of me, we've barely seen each other or having conversation in less than two minutes since that day, at the day when my Mum had passed away. To tell you honestly, our relationship isn't in bad term, whatsoever—our relationship is pretty good for Dad and daughter at first, everything was pretty like normal before Mum death and after that, he's started to distant himself to anyone, to everything, including his daughter, though I hardly made a decision to come back here a couple month ago, just for him, just to make everything back—it didn't make our relationship better, otherwise he left me and lives in Japan. Even-though he said that the reason of his leaving is due to his job, but I know it was an excuse.The reason of his leaving is; he can't bear not to remember Mum. I know he's been feeling in grief, I even could tell it with a single glance into his eyes. Although people said that I look like my Mum, they're all wrong, because the more they look at me, they would see that I resemblance Dad more. We've practically looked the same."When did you come, Dad?" I shift my gaze at him.He smiles, gently stroke my head. "This morning, sweetheart.""I thought you wouldn't come.""You're my daughter. If something happened with you, your Mum will never forgive me, so am I." Dad embraces me tightly. It's warm, a really, really warm hug. "How do I live if I lose you, too? You're my only one child."I hug Dad even tighter. "I miss you, Dad.""I miss you too, sweetheart."The Doctor and two beautiful nurses come to my room, I reluctantly break my Dad embrace. However, I feel alright. I feel safe, I feel alive because of Dad.After checking and monitoring my condition, The Doctor suggests me to keep resting until tomorrow after that they would allow me to discharge."It's such a relief." Dad sighs after the Doctor left."I'm okay, Dad. I just got drowning not a major accident."Dad glares. I think, I just crossed the line but I'm glad, at least our relationship has changed a bit. I secretly smile at him."Oh, you've woken up already?" Seungyoon appears behind the door. He walks inside with two paper bags in both of his hands, drops it on the table, he turns around and shifts his gaze to me. I glance to the paper bags, curious with the thing inside of it."Here, I know you're hungry." Seungyoon says, giving me a box of sandwich. I smile like a fool as I tear open the box. "You seem okay, I feel like I got fooled.""Yah! For a fuck's sake, I nearly died. Can you show me a little bit of your gratitude, perhaps? Knowing the fact that your beloved cousin is still fucking alive?""Hey, watch your language!" Dad scowls, trying to reconcile us."Sorry, my tongue slipped.""It's her habit. She's harsh." Seungyoon states further."Yah!" I glare at him. "Do you want to die?" This time I said it in a low tone, almost whispering just in case Dad would hear me curse again.Seungyoon smirks and I swear to God I really want to punch him right now. "Language, sister."A relief kind of smile escapes from Dad's lips then he reaches up my cheek as he turns his gaze to Seungyoon. "Would you like to accompany her for a moment? I've got a few thing to do." Dad asks Seungyoon."Sure thing uncle, as long as she would behave.""Call me if she made a trouble.""Dad!" I scowl.Dad shows me his fatherly smile and he kisses my forehead. "Because I went here in a rush, I didn't manage anything beforehand. I'll be back really soon. Be a good kid, okay?"I nod and hug Dad briefly. After Dad's gone, the situation turns to be quiet. Seungyoon sits on the couch, watching Spongebob Squarepants. Completely ignoring me for the sake of Sponge-fucking-bob."Seungyoon-ah." I call him, but he didn't give me any response. "Kang Seungyoon, you're fucking twenty-four year old!"He snorts, looking annoyed. "What?"We're now looking at each other. "Who was the person that brought me here?" I hold my breath before I speak more. The feeling is really strangling "Was it him?"Seungyoon nods briefly as an answer for my question."Who is he, now?" Sounds like stupid question, I know, while probably or maybe a fact, he has left."He left this morning.""I see...""Why? Are you feeling disappointed?"I stare at him. "No, I know he would leave.""Instead of worrying him, maybe you need to see this person first." Seungyoon changes his sitting position, staring down at me in the most strange way with an intense expression all of sudden. Sweat drenches from my head, I know he may says something important in the next second."Then, why did you ask if you already knew he's not going to stay?""Proving my luck, maybe?" I chuckle.Seungyoon sighs. His back leans against the seat, as he turns his gaze back to the TV screen. "Tell me, Seul. Have you made another mess?""What mess?"He rolls his eyes and switching his seat position once again, now I feel my heart is rushing. "There, outside your room." His finger appoints to the door beside me. "There's a guy named Wang Jackson there. He's been waiting for you all night long.""What?!" I unintentionally raise my voice into a few decibels. "No, I don't want to meet him.""No, you have to." Seungyoon gets up from his seat and walking straight to the door."No.""Yes.""Kang Seungyoon!""Do you want him to wait for you until he dies?!" Seungyoon sounds like really, really angry right now. "You need to be brave and take a responsibility for every goddamn mess that you made. Why do you put him in the middle of your mess? You can't drag innocent people into something mess they barely have any relation to.""I did that unintentionally. It's out of my control.""Lame excuse, sister." He chuckles and before I stop him to open the door, Jackson has been there, standing still, staring at me with his intense—longing for something—longing for someone, longing for me.The door closes as Jackson comes. Seungyoon is waiting outside. I turn my eyes to the other side of this all white room, don't know how to face Jackson in every polite way possible.Was my disclosure clear enough to say that I don't feel the same way as him?"Hi." Jackson greets, I shift my gaze at him and smile softly. "Are you alright? How do you feel?""I'm good.""Glad to know that you are okay. I really hope you really do." Silence fills the air for a moment until he continues his words. "I hope you're really okay, so I can let you go without any burden, knowing that you're going to be okay.""Wang Jackson..."He smiles to me before he shifts his gaze toward the window. I can feel his heavy breathing in every breath that he takes."Why are you here?"Then he turns his gaze at me. "I've heard your disclosure, but now I need your closure, with that, I think I will be able to let you go entirely.""It seems easy for you." He looks confused at first. "Letting go." I say it more clearly."I don't know, but I can't force you to love me either." He stares at me deeply, his stare is demanding about something I clearly know. His stare is demanding about something that he clearly knows wouldn't be come true. "Do you still love him?"For a moment I remain silent. No matter how many times I try to think, or reconsidering my feeling against Mino. I'll only have one definite answer about him; I love him so fucking much, never doubt it even just for a second. Never ever change although my heart has been bleeding for time to time."I do, I still love him up till this second and every second that will passing by. I wonder if I will be able to let him go someday.""Soon enough, you will." Jackson states. "Letting go doesn't always mean bad. If he really meant to you he'll come back to you eventually.""Are you trying your luck with me right now?"He giggles. "Maybe.""What if we're not meant to be?""Then what do you expect, Seul? That's mean we're not belong to each other and I believe I'll find someone better in the end.""How could you feel so confident like that?""Because, I found you." Jackson smiles softly and very, very sweet. "You know, I used to be a jerk, an asshole for years—I've been losing someone precious in my life. Then, I found you and magically fall for you, though our relationship wasn't going really well, but I feel grateful for this past month that finally I able to feel in love again—thanks to you, Kang Seulgi."I feel like want to choke up. I never expect that Jackson will be dragged this far. "What's that? I'm hurting you so bad, Jackson!" I exclaim.Then, he rushes at me as he touches both my cheek. "No, Seulgi. Don't blame yourself because I let myself drown along with you."I burry my head into his chest. "I'm sorry, Jackson. Really sorry."Jackson then hugs me tightly. I don't know since when I start to cry in his embrace."If you are laying in bed, wrapped up in sheets with a miserable thought, go to sleep. If it hurts to keep everything you're feeling inside, don't bottle it up, let it out. If you're clinging onto someone that doesn't treat you like you're deserve the world, let them go. If you're unhappy with the way you're living your life, change it." Jackson words hit me straight to my heart. Like a thunderstorm, my mind has been completely in the state of madness and chaos. I keep sobbing like crazy, it feels like my chest is about to explode at any second. I can't help but keep thinking and repeating Jackson's words in my mind.Should I really say good bye just like Jackson did to me?I keep thinking and thinking until I reach one conclusion; that sometimes, we tend to believe that things are only indistinguishable shades of gray—when in reality, life is more likely black and white than it seems—there'll always be two possibilities, there'll always be two opposite side in between—there'll always be two options; to be sad or to be happy, to feel less pain or so much pain and we're all knew if pain is inevitable, suffering is optional and in the end, we still can to choose one of those sides; black or white, sad or happy, less pain or much pain.And for the first time since forever, I just happened to realize that it's been too long I forget about how to be happy.