Loving for Money - ON HOLD

Journal Entry 6

August 31st, 2011

I haven't had any contact with Louis or Joe or anybody relating to my new job since last week. I decided it was best to obey Joe's rules, no matter how irritating they were.

It's been five days since my last interaction with any of them, and for five days I've been debating whether or not to call Harry. The situation is.. delicate, and I don't want to make things worse. I've made up a best and worst cas scenario and, here's what I have so far:

Best case: He stops hating me, he can be around me, I won't feel guilty, we become friends even. Maybe Louis, him and I can even all hang out together?

Worst case: I call him, he cusses me out, hates me even more, and he still can't be around me with Louis.

I don't know what to do. I want the best case scenario, but I'm not stupid. I can't imagine what Harry is feeling. Screw it. I'm just gonna call him. The worst that could happen is that things stay exactly how they are, right?

Okay. I'm gonna call.

***

I called Harry. Things went... okay. I don't know if we resolved anything, but we definitely didn't hurt anything. He didn't understand what I was calling for at first. I told him that I wanted to make sure he was okay. That seemed to confuse him, if anything. I guess he isn't used to people wondering how he's doing except Louis.

I told him that I didn't think it was right, what Joe is making them do. He asked why I agreed to do it then, and I didn't have an answer for him. I'm still not sure why I agreed to do this. The emotional turmoil is already starting to wear me down.

And then, something I wasn't expecting happened. He thanked me. He thanked me for being strong enough to take on the pressure of covering this up for them, and he thanked me for helping them. He thanked me for everything I was going to be doing for he and Louis. He said that they loved each other so much, and this was the only way they could be together and stay in the band, and it was because of me that this was possible. I can't explain where it came from, but I started to cry.

I started thinking about how much he and Louis must love each other to go through something so horrible just to be together. And then I thought about how I was actually helping them be together, instead of apart, and that made me feel better than I have since I signed the contract. I always thought of my part as hurting the boys, when really, I was helping them be together per Joe's request.

We didn't decide to be friends, or hang out, or even speak on a regular basis, but we're okay now. Just okay. And I'm so relieved.

I was looking through the packet that Joe gave me on the day we signed the contract, and my first appearance with Louis is in about two weeks, at Niall's 18th birthday party. I'm really nervous, because this will be my first time ever going public with Louis, and if this doesn't go well, then our whole charade comes crashing down.

But no pressure, right?

I haven't decided what exactly I'm going to wear yet. Maybe I'll go shopping with my friends this week. But what if they ask what I'm shopping for? I still haven't figured out if I can tell anyone about my new life. But then again, how can it be realistic if nobody close me knows? Maybe that will be my argument to Joe.

Even if I can tell anyone, what if they don't understand? I know I'm writing a lot of questions and that seems silly, but this will be a good reference for later when I forget everything I've just thought about.

What is my mother going to say? My best friend? Will I have to meet Louis' family? Will be have to meet mine? What about Harry's family? Will they be in on it? Do the other boys have real girlfriends, and if so, will they be in on it? Or will they think I'm really his girlfriend?

These are all things that I guess I really haven't thought about until right now, and I swear, everyday it becomes more and more clear how crazy this is and just how much I'm going to have to live a lie.

Eleanor x