Loving for Money - ON HOLD

Journal Entry 9

October 2nd, 2011

I'm not exactly sure what happened today. All I know is that Joe is angry. For once, he's not angry with me. Louis took to social media today to silently but blantantly talk about his relationship with Harry. People took it as a joke, but those who know, know it wasn't. And Joe is one of those people. 

After Niall's birthday party, Harry lost it. Louis and I had our movie date on the 17th of September, and since then it's been pretty low key. Joe says it's allowing people to let the image of "Louis and Eleanor" sink in. I think that it's because Harry is having a more difficult time than we thought dealing with this. 

Although I haven't really been out in public with Louis as of late, we talk almost everyday.  I don't know how Harry feels about this. I don't think he realizes that half of the reason I'm talking to Louis is to make sure that he's okay. I hope he's okay. From what I hear over the phone, he's not. 

Louis says Harry has been drinking a lot. I don't know exactly what constitutes as "a lot", but if Louis says he's concerned, I suppose most of us should be. Sometimes I wonder if I should go and talk to Harry, try and help him, but then I remember that I am the cause of this, and I wouldn't be of any help.

If I ever tried to tell Louis that I felt I was to blame, he would call me ridiculous. He insists that I'm helping them, and for a while I thought that I was, too. But after Niall's party.. after seeing how much lying is actually going to be involved in this fakelationship.. I'm worried. I'm worried about my well being, about Harry's, about Louis', about the other band members... I'm not the only one this is affecting, but I seem to be the only reason for the problem. I shouldn't have accepted the offer.

And yet, whenever I think of Louis and his sad eyes, pleading with me to help, it seems that I never really had a choice. 

Anyway, when I talked to Louis today, he seemed more upset than usual. I asked him what was the matter, but he kept brushing it off as nothing. I could hear Harry in the background, a mixture of cries and screams at Louis, and each time, I could hear it break Louis down a little more. Part of me was mad at Harry. This isn't Louis' fault. Louis needs Harry to be there for him more than anything, and all Harry can do is be angry. Although, if I were in the situation, I think I would be angry too.

It's jumbled thoughts like this that cloud my mind all the time. Sometimes I think I understand something, or I think I feel something, and then another part of me feels the opposite. I'm a walking hypocrite. I can't agree with myself on anything at all. Life is hard, journal, and sometimes I think I made it harder than it should have been. 

I should be concerned with my classes right now. I should be worried about my grades and my friends and maybe even getting a real boyfriend. But instead, my life has been consumed by this falsehood that I can't escape no matter where I turn. I can't escape it from my mind, I can't escape it in front of my friends, I can't escape it around Louis, so where do I go to find solace? Everywhere I turn is turmoil about the decision I made weeks ago. The only escape I ever have is sleep, and so I sleep a lot. 

So Louis mumbled something to me on our brief conversation about how Joe wanted today to be our "official anniversary." Louis didn't like that very much. He hung up shortly after that, and, as I said before, took to social media to apparently let out his frustrations and perhaps comfort Harry.

He tweeted, "Always in my heart, Harry Styles. Yours truly, Louis." 

I didn't have time to read through every detail of the contract, but I'm pretty positive that that is something not allowed. His fans, I'm sure, thought of it as a joke. But I know better. And Joe knows better.

I've also noticed that there are a few people who don't believe the "Louis and Eleanor" facade. They full heartedly believe that Louis and Harry are in a relationship, even with Louis and I going out in public. Part of me wants to thank them for that. I think those fans should be the ones Louis and Harry focus on. 

Part of that also scares me, though. My job is to convince people we're in a relationship, and if there are still people who don't think so out there, am I not doing a good enough job? This whole thing is more stressful than I had ever realized. 

Harry also took to twitter to indirectly make a jab at Joe, and possibly me and Louis. He retweeted a fans tweet saying, 

"If Louis is happy with Eleanor, then so am I. But spare a thought for Harry, he's probably got a broken heart." 

I find it incredible how perceptive the fans of these boys are. They're right. He does have a broken heart. But if they're so perceptive, and at this stage let alone, do I really have a chance of ever convincing them I am in love witih Louis? That will be the most difficult part of all of this. Forget the fame, the lies, the pain - if I can't convince the people who I need to convince the most that this is real, what is any of the lies or pain worth? 

Eleanor x