Loving for Money - ON HOLD

Journal Entry 10

October 3rd, 2011

The boys went to Milan today. That includes everyone: Liam, Niall, Zayn, Louis, and even Harry. I can't remember what exactly they went for; Louis told me in a hurried conversation that lasted maybe five minutes. In all honesty, I'm so glad that I have a chance to breathe and to be away from what is now my reality. 

How depressing is that? That I'm actually glad for them to be away so that I can pretend that the life I'm now living isn't mine anymore. If I had known two months ago what my life would be now, I would have taken a different way to the book store that day I bumped into Louis and Harry. 

It's midnight now, and I'm writing this when I should be sleeping, but I just can't seem to close my eyes long enough to go to sleep. It's funny, actually. I can sleep all I want during the day but can never manage to when I actually need to sleep. 

There's just a lot of repetitive thoughts that continuously fill my head, but I think I'm getting better at managing them. Either that, or I've just gotten used to the chaos they create inside my mind. I'd like to think that it is the former, but my heart is telling me the latter is more probable. My mum always said that I was too nice and my heart was so big that it could get me into trouble one day, and I never believed her. I never believed her until right now. 

So I'm writing by the light of my computer screen, trying to get all thoughts of Louis and Harry and my new life out of my head, which is pointless, because that's all I ever think about. It's so strange to think of myself as Louis' girlfriend, but I have to get used to it. If I don't think of myself as his girlfriend when I'm not with him, it will be even more difficult to think of myself as that when I am with him. I have to get in the mindset of being his girfriend, but it's so hard. It's so hard because I'm not. Not even close. 

Also, I think it's worth mentioning that when I signed up to be Louis' girlfriend, I had no idea what a catastrophe this would be on social media. I had no idea their band was this big, and I had no idea that I would be this deep in the spotlight. I guess I should have known, really, with everything I had to go through to become this. I guess it just never fully registered in my head. Good thinking on my part. 

Just in the last twenty four hours since Louis and I became an "official" couple, I can't even begin to count the number of death threats and awful things I've been sent over Twitter. I don't even want to repeat them in here because I don't want to relive them. Many of his fans are sending me hate and I just want to scream at them that THIS ISN'T REAL AND I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

But I am. I'm hurting them. I'm hurting Harry. I even sometimes convince myself I'm hurting Louis. And I'm definitely hurting myself.

If I let myself think too much about how much this might be hurting their fans, I will breakdown. I can't afford to breakdown, so I don't think about it. I won't think about it. It's too much, in addition to everything else. 

I won't go back on twitter. I won't go back on twitter.

I have to see what they're saying about me. I'm going back on twitter. 

***

I shouldn't have gone back. 

I have never had more notifications in my life, and I've never had so many horrible things said to me for no reason at all. I shouldn't have gone back to see what people were saying about me, but I really shouldn't have gone back at all, because I ended up seeing pictures of the boys in Milan. I couldn't help it; it was impossible. People were tweeting them to me every other tweet and they were popping up in my mentions like crazy. 

They look so happy. They look so happy without me being there to ruin it all. Even Harry finally looks happy. I can tell that the weariness under his eyes has gone away, and his smile is finally back. And by proxy, Louis is happier, too. His Harry is finally back, if only for a minute. 

Part of me wishes that they'd never come back from Milan so that they could stay that happy forever. Another part of me wishes they'd stay there so I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. And a third part of me knows that Joe is going to have something to say about this. 

I suddenly want to be anybody but me right now. I want to run away and leave this person and this body behind to deal with the mess she's made. I don't want this anymore, journal. I don't want to be this person anymore, and it's only be two months. Two months! How am I supposed to handle this for two years? It's impossible. Absolutley impossible. And it's not going to end well. It's going to end with somebody sacrificing something that they can't get back. 

Eleanor x

(A/N: There is a picture of Larry to the right in Milan on October 3rd, 2011. I have tried my best to be as accurate as I can with dates and pictures to give the full effect of the story I am trying to convey. Also, let me say now that this is a story. I, in no way, know anything officially about Elounor or Larry. This is information I have researched to the best of my ability integrated with my own concepts and opinions. Everyone has their own ideas and opinions, these are just mine in the form of a story :))