My own little secret

Your 7 Year-Old Self. (Personal)

It wasn't until I watched this show called My Mad Fat Diary that I realized that I really could relate to someone on an emotional level more than I would ever imagine. Even if I have never hurt myself enough to leave any scars or been checked into any kind of mental hospital, the way she thought and everything she saw when she looked in the mirror was so identical so my own way of seeing myself it was almost scary. I started wondering if watching the show would help me in any way because the whole show was her trying to get past this illness that she had so she could go on with her life and learn to cope with the depression that engulfed her. 

The entire week that I binged watched it, I found myself every once in a while I would relate to her and her feelings so much that the fact of my siblings being in the same room as me was the only thing stopping me from breaking and crumbling along with her. There were many times that I wanted to reach through the screen and hug her, even if she was only an actor playing  character in a t.v show, but I had the overwhelming need to hug her and cry to this person who I knew would mostly understand. Unlike everyone around me who still makes me feel like they only see my problems as jokes, my anxiety as attention seeking, and my worries as petty. 

The therapist in the show, he was like her best friend other than Chloe. It made me wish I could have a counselor, someone who would just listen and give me other advice other then the same thing you hear from everyone around you because they never know what to say. There was one episode where she was complaining about how he was always stating that she needed to start 'learning how to like herself' and 'quit putting herself down' and she got mad, demanding to know when that was supposed to happen, when was the process of one learning how to love themselves was going to start; it hadn't started yet for her. He told her right now, and told her to imagine her seven year-old self sitting on the couch in front of them. I had seen this before, but it had never hit me as hard as it did when watching it, I had read plenty of paragraphs on Facebook and Tumblr with the same scenario, but something about the show made it a lot clearer.

She saw her younger self, he then began demanding that she look at that little girl and telling her everything she thinks about herself everyday; tell that little girl she's fat, ugly, worthless, an embarrassment, a burden, but of course she couldn't. It really made me start thinking, I did it myself. I looked next to me on my couch, and imagined a little seven year-old version of myself. She sat there, big brown eyes and long brown hair, looking as innocent as every little kid is. Tears started flowing down my cheeks because I knew I could never tell that little girl that, I would tell that little girl that she was perfect, that she was worth so much, and that she didn't need to worry about anything because she was pure perfection in every way possible, flaws and all. I would grab her and hug her, hug her until she couldn't breathe for a second. I would want that little girl to know that she was loved, that she didn't ever need to change herself for anyone because if someone couldn't accept her for who she was then they weren't worth the energy, that she needed to love being her because that's the best thing she could do in this world.

But then I got to thinking, why can't I do that to myself now? 

Why is it so easy to stab myself with insults now, convince myself that I am nothing, that I would be better off dead and leaving everyone behind because they wouldn't miss me all that much? This scene brought me to a breakdown because it donned upon me how much I wanted to get better, how much I wanted -no, needed- to learn how to love myself. The constant hate at one point was growing to be too much, and I had no idea how to stop it because I feel to inferior to everyone around me. I feel like I'm not meant to be here because I go unnoticed everyday by 90% of those around me. I'm not treated like almost all the girls that I'm surrounded by everyday. People are always telling me that it's because I'm not like other girls, but that it's not a bad thing because that means that I don't go around everywhere in revealing cloths and sexual intentions with every guys I meet; I wonder if it means i'm broken sometimes. 

I don't get noticed by strangers ever; I don't get told that I'm attractive by random people just walking through the store; I don't get messages from people on any sort of social media; I'm sure all guys that I see everyday see right through me; I'm not someone who is seen by anyone. I know that I'm not bad, I'm sure that I'm not broken, but sometimes it's just lonely to be that person who is never noticed, the girl who is always the shadows of the hallway. Sometimes I wished that I could be a person who was talkative, social, approachable but I don't know how to be all those things. This is why I end up looking in the mirror and wanting to change everything Into everything I desire to see, but then what?

Let's say that with the help of some weird miracle, I got everything I wanted changed about myself changed. I looked exactly how I wanted, I acted exactly how I wanted, I was the exact person I have always wanted to be, but would I even then be satisfied? No, I know even then I would pick at something else and want to change it because there is no perfect and deep down everyone is striving for perfection, even if it's well known that perfect isn't justifiable as one thing or person. I would never be satisfied with anything changed to me, so I know that I need to learn how to love me, love being me and never wanting to be anyone else.

In the scene, after she yelled at him that of course she couldn't be cruel to that little girl, he says something that really makes me stop everything and think for a second. 

"You need to soothe yourself the way you would soothe a child." 

The little girl was back at my side, and my heart was shattering, for myself and this little girl. This little girl was so pure, so young, so good at heart and in every way, and I was putting her own every chance I got, every look in the mirror was like a splash of acid on my body and mind, I was breaking myself and crumbling myself until I would eventually be nothing. 

Me tearing myself down was equivalent to me tearing down this little girl, the same little girl that I would tell was perfect until I was blue in the face, and t hit me more in that second then it did ever that I wanted to get better not just for my physical risks, but for my emotional risks as well. I just wanted to share, write out my realization and hope that it would sink in to my mind even more, because I want to take care of that little girl, not ruin her even further.