My own little secret

I Miss You

Another dream I had and typed

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The winter air picked at my skin at I stood in place looking down, the same empty feeling that hasn't gone away in two and a half weeks, the feeling that a huge part of me was missing, a part I wasn't going to get back, but also a part I would give anything to forget, to forget this loneliness In the pit of my gut, to forget the aching pain that was constantly tugging at my heart, the pain always pounding in my head, the tears that constantly fought so hard to break through, even though I was prepared to not let them not yet.

I knew exactly why I didn't want to cry. If I was to break that seal, the only one I haven't broken yet in two weeks, then it would make it real, this wouldn't be a horrible nightmare that I had been wishing every second of my life that it would be. Crying would make it all so real, I wouldn't be able to stop, I would slowly wither away due to the pain, I knew I would, and I wasn't prepared for the truth to sink in, so I was okay with never leaving my room, always laying in bed, not speaking to anyone, I hadn't heard my own voice in two weeks, I barley even hear my own thoughts anymore, there's none there to hear anymore. my head was empty, it had to be, I had to make it empty, I didn't want to break that seal.

Though I knew I would today.

I'm standing here looking at this rock, well more specifically this tombstone. A grey rock with a glaze layer covering it, the main villain haunting my dreams

The tombstone was dated two weeks ago.

The tombstone had my best friends name engraved into it.

The new, grey, and flower surrounded stone was still, it was only a rock, yet it was sitting there laughing at my pain, holding my heart in its non-exsisting hands, slowly squeezing it, not to the point of death, only enough to experience a pain I couldn't even imagine before today. I was holding two yellow roses in my hands, I laid them carefully along with all the other variety of beautiful, colorful, and flamboyant flowers that scattered and almost decorated the stone, as I set them nicely on top of the pile, I felt the tears fill my eyes, I rose into a standing position and closed my eyes, looking up, calming myself down.

Not yet.

Once I felt somewhat in control, I opened my eyes and looked back at the glazed over rock. I took in a deep breath and said my first words in two weeks.

"Hi Kate. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get to this point, I needed some time to think, or more honestly, not to. I needed to prepare what I was going to say to you, because I have something's to say, something's I never got to." I started breathing slowly to calm myself down.

"Its weird, I haven't talked to anyone since you.. died." I had to choke out the last word, I almost couldn't say it, but I got it out in a quiet, hushed, and choked up voice.

"I haven't had the need to talk to anyone, you're the only one I want to talk to, and yet heartbreakingly, you won't ever answer me, it's pretty ironic actually." I felt myself almost smiling, it felt nice to feel something other than emptiness for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. Though the little bit of sunshine was gone as quickly as it came, I started talking again, to the air.

"I just waned to say to you that.... that I love you, even if you're gone, you will always be my best friend, I don't know why... why you did this, but I wish I could have stopped you, I wish that you could have tried talking to me, I would have tried to stop you, tried to help, but I guess you just felt that wouldn't have been enough, or worth it, I just wished I could have been the friend to you that you had always been to me." I felt my breath start to quicken, that was when I knew it was time, I knew that I was prepared, more or less than fully.

It was time to break the final seal.

"Another thing I wanted to say to you, that I hate I'll never be able to tell you." I took in a deep breathe. "I-I...... I miss you." I couldn't get it out louder than a painful whisper, tear filling my eyes, everything was blurred, I forced my self to blink my eyes, letting one tear fall quickly down my cheek, now I had no problem saying what I needed to say, now my emotions weren't bottled up, everything I had forced to keep buried deep down somewhere in me, it was spilling out, no, it was more like exploding out, my feelings were a bottle of soda, and I just shook that bottle up and now I am opening it.

"I miss you! I miss you so goddamn much! Why did you leave? This is probably selfish, but I need you! You obviously didn't need me, but I need you, I need you to feel okay. You were my other half, I told you everything, why did you leave? Why did you leave your family? Why did you leave your friends? Why did you leave me? I don't know how I'm going to go on without you." I was crying so hard it hurt to try and talk I was choking on my own words. The cold air felt as if it was cutting at my face where my tears were freely flowing down my face, I used my hand to cover my face, I wailed into them, a thought came into my mind that only made me cry and hurt more; I was shouting at someone who wasn't there, but dammit it felt good. I had so much emotion spilling out of me, forming sentences were becoming difficult, I was hiccupping and becoming weak, my legs were buckling out from underneath me. It took everything in me not to fall, but finally it was too much and my strength failed me, I fell to my knees, I wasn't even worried about the flowers I was falling on. My knees hit the ground, I was right in front of it.

"Please! Please! Please don't let this be real!" My shouts and wails were muffled by my hands, my body was painfully jerking up and down. I looked up through my fingers, I looked at the stone.

I just wanted to hug her, I just wanted to hug anyone, feel the warmth and comfort of another human being, but since I was alone in the middle of a cemetery in the winter, I didn't complain and decided to deal with what I got. My arms shot in front of me, I sat up a little and wrapped my arms around the cold stone. I laid my head on the rock, the cold not bothering me, because if I pretended hard enough, I could pretend it was her, it was her I was hugging again, not the stone that was holding my friends death and mocking me with it, I only had to pretend it was her. My body was still shaking, my tears never once stopped.

"I miss you, please come back, I don't know how I will make it without you. Please?" My voice wasn't even close to loud anymore, it felt raw from all the yelling I had done, I only whispered, as if I was whispering to her, desperation soaked my tone. All I wanted was for her to come back, I wanted my best friend back, I sat there letting my self get soaked in my own tears, and letting the emptiness swallow me up in my own misery.