My own little secret

Confusion (Personal)

Sexuality is a confusing thing, especially realizing that your sexuality isn't exactly what you thought it was.

Ever since middle school, Hell, my whole entire life I've known that something was different about me. No, this isn't going to have an extreme ending where I develop super powers and fix myself, I wish though for more reasons than just a way more entertaining story.

I used to always claim to be straight, straighter than a pole. Of course that wasn't true, there wouldn't be a story or any conflict if it was. All my life I've always been a little boy-crazy, I don't see happiness without a family in the future; I've always fantasized having kids and a husband and I didn't ever really see any other option. So I form crushes easily and fall for people hard and fast. It usually never turned out in my favor, but it always happened the same with the next boy, or later on in my life, girls.

I grew up around a family that never educated me about the LGBT community so I didn't really understand the concept of being gay to the extents that it can be, so when I started to take in interest in noticing girls it scared me. I don't remember the exact year, month, and day that I started to question what the hell a sexuality even was, but I do know that it was sometime in my middle school years; also known as the worst years of my life.

Skipping the whole sob story, a sum up of my middle school years were that I was a shy, fat, depressed little girl who had no friends, but who hasn't had a period like that in their life? This period in my life is all where my self-hatred really sparked, my sexuality being the lighter fluid to that spark and igniting a fire that swallowed me up that I never fully escaped.

It all started when I developed my first crush on a girl, my best friend towards the end of my eighth grade year, for cautious reasons let's call her Ashley. We grew close, we became best friends and nothing was better than that fact alone because I had started wanting to be around her more, I wanted to be around her more then I had ever wanted to be around a friend before. At first I thought it just meant that we had clicked better than anyone I had ever before, but it donned upon me that my feelings towards Ashley were very similar to the feelings I would usually develop for a guy; the realization terrified me.

At that point in my life I had more knowledge on LGBT, and I was fully supportive and spent most of my time watching gay youtubers, but I had also become fully aware of how homophobic the people that I was surrounded by I my family were.

The thought of any of my family members finding out that my feelings for another girl was more than just friendly made me want to throw up and die, they could never know; but I knew they suspected. My mom and sisters hardcore teased me for a full two years, always calling me gay and asking me if I was gay just because I spent a lot of time watching extremely gay YouTubers. I spent the next few years of my life denying any form of the word gay being thrown my way. I was one of the straightest people alive and I was determined to make everyone know it.

That meant forgetting the feelings that had formed for Ashley, so she just remained my best friend for the remainder of middle school. I never truly got over it in my middle school years though, and I hated myself for it every second I felt these feelings I thought shouldn't be there.

Every minute spent having these confused feelings for someone who I was convinced I shouldn't be having them for, I loathed myself so much I could barely look in the mirror. I already had a major issue with myself in middle school. The simplest way to put it was I hated everything about myself; I needed to be someone different to ever see me achieving any happiness. These feelings only added onto that hate, only made me want to end everything more; only made the hate eat away at me faster.

Then freshman year came around. Ashley and I had grown apart, but we were still good friends. She had become, and still is, one of those friend that you could go years without talking to, but when you do it's almost like you never left, after the first few seconds of 'wow haven't seen you in a while' silence. I thought I was free of these feelings, maybe the confusion was just a one time thing, I would never have to even think about it again.