Mr Lester

Chapter 10

A/n **TW**

"Dan, I would love that"

I push myself onto my elbows, and lean down to gently kiss Phil. His lips are so soft, so gentle, yet they give just the right amount of pressure on mine. I kiss his lips, his neck, his jaw, and he holds me in his arms. We both stare into each others's eyes for a while, and I lie curled in his arms on the bed, with my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat.

His heartbeat. Phil. He seems so alive, so whole, as though I could breathe him in. He feels strong, and led here in his arms I feel safe. His skin is pale, but beautiful. It's like a snowflake, so elegant and perfect. 

We stay in each other's arms for hours, never wanting to let go. But come midnight we decide its getting late and get up to head for the door. We walk out the front door, shutting it behind us. I don't want to leave a trace here. Even if we return its better that nobody knows we've been here. At the end of the driveway he turns me to face him. With one last kiss goodnight, Phil turns to walk the opposite way to me. After about twenty seconds I turn to watch as his slender but sturdy figure goes out of view round a corner. 

**Time skip**

Wow, last night really happened. It almost feels like it was a dream, but I know it wasn't. My Muse jumper is slung over the back of my desk chair, and my shoes are slightly muddied. It was real, it happened. But the reality starts to set in, I was so busy following my perfect fairytale last night that I pushed the thoughts out of my head. Two young lovers, loads of chemistry, and the whole night alone to be with each other. The reality is that he's a teacher, I'm his student. He could be arrested, jailed even. I'm being stupid, I know it, and he probably thinks the same. For crying out loud, he probably has a partner somewhere, maybe even children. Do you really want to ruin all that for him Dan? No. But he's so perfect, we're so perfect. The age gap doesn't really matter, I'm an adult soon.

But I still have my suspicions. Is Phil only with me because he feels sorry for me? Its kind of coincidental that this all started just when he found out about my problems. I mean yeah, having head problems sucks, but it's not some childish plea for pity. What if that's all he sees? A wounded animal, that needs comfort and love to make him feel better because everything about his life sucks. Maybe that's how he sees me.

I try to push those thoughts out of my head as I get ready for school. Or maybe I just won't go in today.  I'll tell my mum I'm feeling sick, she won't mind. She doesn't really care anymore, she has high aspirations for Adrian in life, but I think she's given up on me. I can catch up on my work tomorrow. Besides, the voices are bad this morning. I wish I didn't hear them at all, or I could just block them out when I wanted to, but they're screaming today.

The things they say are horrible, I've heard them since I was a kid, but they've been worse recently. They tell me I'm useless, that I'm pointless and that everyone hates me. They make me hate myself. Therapy doesn't help. I mean how is sitting in a room with a stranger for an hour a week going to change the voices in my mind?

They tell me to hurt myself, even to kill myself sometimes. I tried once. I gave in to them, it made them happier. Once I decided I was going to commit they didn't scream anymore, they just whispered. I figured death would be even more peaceful than their whispers. I tried to die, and it hurt like nothing else I've ever felt. But I was stupid, and failed to even do that. I chose the wrong way out, and despite what people say about how much happier I seem now, I still keep my two bottles of sleeping pills in the safe in my room, along with my blades. They're there just in case I ever need a retreat.

Maybe the voices are right, they sound pretty angry right now. Maybe I should do as they say? It would be easier for Phil, he wouldn't have to worry about people finding out, or getting in trouble. My family could be happy, and not have to pay my therapy bills when they're already struggling for money. Yeah. Maybe I should take the peaceful, easy option. It won't take long if both bottles go. They're pretty strong. I curl up on my bed with the bottles in my hand. The voices calm down, they stop shrieking and start whispering comfort to me, telling me it'll be okay once its over. I'm making the most of my last breaths of air, hopefully this time I won't fail. Maybe I'll finally succeed at something, and my life won't have been wasted. It'll still be an achievement, even if my only success is really the biggest failure I've encountered.