Mr Lester

Chapter 12

"Dan"

I wake to his voice.

I open my eyes, and look around. I'm in a bed this time, and a clean hospital room lies around me. I see a stack of school books on the desk, next to a bunch of flowers, along with the usual hospital furniture and equipment. Phil sits in a small desk chair in the corner of the room. I look down, to see the proof of my own failure, a tube into my arm and a drip next to the bed.

"Apparently they had a hard time getting all that poison out of you. You must have taken a lot"

"Two bottles of sleeping pills. It was about fifty pills I think." He stares at me, half with pity and half with extreme sorrow. I don't know what to say. How do you talk to your teacher/lover about how you tried to kill yourself the morning after you went out with them?

"Was it me Dan? This wasn't my fault, was it? You must realise how this looks to me, the night after we went out...."

"No" I interrupt "It was the voices, not you" I mumble in his direction.

"What? Voices?"

"I didn't say voices did I?" I cough, trying to cover up what I had said. I know I'm trying to be honest with him, but if my psychiatrist doesn't know about the voices then Phil probably shouldn't either. 

"Is this the first time Dan?"

"No, Phil. It isn't. I'm sorry" He looks down at his lap, to where a small letter sits.

"Oh." There's a long pause. "Well I told them I came here to give you reading to do. But I really just came to talk. I guess you can read those books if you feel up to it at any point" He motions towards the books on the table. "I wanted to give you the flowers, and this letter. Don't read it till I'm gone" He walks up to give me the letter, holding onto my hand just a little longer than necessary. "Stay strong for me Danny" With a sad smile, he turns and leaves the room. I slowly open the letter and read.

To my Danny,

I'm sorry to hear what happened. I really am. But I want to let you know that I've been there. Believe it or not I've been there almost more times than I can remember. Hating life sucks, because when you hate living all you want is to not live anymore, but then you hate yourself for not wanting to live because its selfish to not live when other people want you to, apparently. But cling on Danny, please cling on to life for me. Not because its selfish not to, but because there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is a very dark and twisted tunnel. Maybe one day I'll be that light at the end of your tunnel, if you keep on journeying through till the end. There's a family there waiting for you Dan, at the end of your tunnel. There's a beautiful meadow, with birds singing and flowers swaying in the wind. Once you're there, you never have to go back into your tunnel ever again, you just have to get out of it first.

Please keep moving forward, for me.

Phil xxxx

**Time skip**

I'm now just a day patient. It's been four weeks since my attempt, and three weeks since I left the padded cell for the psych ward. They let me out of there about a week and a half ago, but I'm not allowed back to school yet. Phil visited two weeks ago, and I haven't seen him since, but his letter is enough to keep me going for now. I text him every day, and he always replies within a few minutes. Sometimes he sends me cute quotes, or photos of himself to remind me of his smile, how bright his eyes are, how perfect he is.

Mum is still upset. She's not treating me the same. I don't really know what I expected her to do besides that. Maybe just be a bit nicer to me whilst I was still recovering from the fact that I spent a week in a padded cell because I tried to take my own life.

Am I the only one I know,

Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?

Shadows will scream that I'm alone.

I love Twenty One Pilots. Sadly, they're pretty relatable.

I begin to assemble what weapons I can find,

'Cause sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind.