My Blog

February 20th 2016

I screw up everything good in my life. I met this amazing guy and I even fell for him. Because I was scared of falling in love again I was trying to get away from it by talking to other guys. The guy I fell in love with is going to jail in five days for six months and I'm really gonna miss him. He looked through my phone and saw all my texts and got really pissed off and frustrated. I just want him to be with me and I just don't wanna lose him but I'm afraid I already have. I'm trying so hard to get one last chance with him. I know I don't deserve it but I just don't wanna lose him. We were seeing each other for almost two months and we just got serious two weeks ago like severely serious like sex serious. After we had sex the first time I fell hard for him and I couldn't pick myself back up no matter who I talked too because when he would text me I would make him come first. He always came first and I seriously do love him. He and I just mesh well together. He will actually sit down and watch a chick flick with me because he likes them just as much. It hurts me to know what I did to him and I'm in so much pain without him. I just want him back, I know he has trust issues and I understand that but all I want is one last chance to prove to him how much he means to me. That's all I ask but because of his trust issues he may never talk to me again...I love him and I just wish he could forgive me and be with me...the only man in the world I want is him and I wish he could understand that every time I tell him He just brushes it off and I just want him to just forgive me and be mine for good, I have truly fallen hard for him and I am so sorry for all the shit I've done to him. I feel so shitty about everything. I've been having severe panic attacks since last night just thinking about him and what I've done. It's bad. I completely stop breathing but if I told him that he probably wouldn't care. I don't think he cares anymore and I just wish he did...I wish he would say that everything is ok and that he loves me back but he's not that type of guy. I wish I was different and I just wish I didn't screw up one of the only good things in my life...I'm so sorrrrrrry. I just wanna be with him and only him. I wish he had a wattpad and was reading this so he knew how I feel about all of this. I've put him through so much and I didn't wanna hurt him at all but in the end I hurt us both and now he is probably done with me for good and I just feel like crap. I love him...and I miss him...I just want him back in my life...I wish he would come over so we could actually talk about this...but I doubt he will ever come see me again...I hurt him and I hurt myself...I just don't wanna hurt anyone ever again...I'm done. Maybe I'll just block myself from the world and never speak to any man ever again...I'm gonna go now I'm way too depressed and I don't wanna make u all as depressed just reading this...bye for now...