Confessions of a Bad Girl

Chapter 26

Confession #16:: Nans really does give the best Advice, even if i don't want to hear it.

          This party was more down to earth. Mostly family with a few of Matthew’s friends. I was sitting in the window seat of the living room, finally able to relax from hugging and kissing family that haven’t seen me in months, some of them a couple of years. It was…nice. For a moment I had a brief idea of how my graduation was going to go. Oh boy…

“Hey there pie.” I smiled up at Nina.

“Hey cake. Where have you been?”

“Eating.”

“Way too much information.” She looked at me and then she got the joke. She looked stunned and then pushed me over.

“Bitch!” She said laughing and I just kept laughing.

“You perv. I was definitely talking about the FOOD.” I couldn’t help but to keep laughing.

“What’s so funny over here?” Matthew asked as he sauntered over to us.

“Nothing.” Nina said quickly giving me evil eyes. I just kept laughing. Matthew looked at me in confusion. Thi was the first real thing to make me laugh in days, so I was going to soak up every moment of it.

“Anyway,” Nina started, changing the subject. “How are you enjoying your homecoming festivity?”

“Well it doesn’t compare to the party last night but then again they are two different types of fun. Family fun vs. Sluttish drunk fun…”

“Choices choices.” I murmured. They laughed. I didn’t. I hated having to choose. It was unfair to anyone involved. Why can’t I just have everything?? While my illogical part of my brain rambled on I noticed the flirting. Nina flirted all the time, especially with Matthew, but he was really flirting back. Maybe he always had and I just never really noticed but this time it seemed different. More substantial this time. Or maybe I was loosing it, just looking into things that weren’t there to avoid hearing half the shit that’s been going on in my head. Until I saw the hand movement. That single gesture that made me think twice of Nina and her bi-curious admission. She was laughing at something he said and had lightly placed her hand on his chest. It had never occurred to me before but I found myself wondering how much they kept in contact with each other that didn’t include me. It hadn’t bothered me last year when they were talking but now that I was in a sticky situation I guess I wanted to know who else is…

“Matthew!” Aunt Valerie called. Matthew turned around and shook his head.

“I’ll be back girls.” he called to us.

“Good luck.” Nina called out behind him. I stared at Nina.

“What?” she asked blushing. I didn’t need to ask. She really did like him. I often wondered if it was mutual between them and maybe soon I’d have an answer. Nina cleared her throat.

“I’m going to get another soda. You want?” She asked. I shook my head. As she walked away, Nans came up on the other side.

“What you thinking about kid?” She asked sliding in next to me on the window seat. I didn’t dare answer her with the casual ‘Nothing.’ because she always knew. So I told her the truth.

“Choices.”

Well, that was basically the truth if you wrapped up all my thoughts in a nutshell.

“Which one?” Nans pushed.

“The wrong kind.” I whispered.

“Well a wrong choice is often a choice you acted on because every other option seemed just as bad. We can never truly know if a choice we have made is wrong until too much time has past to change it.”

“I know, Nans.”

“Then how do you know if your current choice in mind was wrong?” Paris’s face popped in front of my eyes with his cocky smirk and gorgeous brown eyes. Him holding me in his arms, his careless touching when it comes to me like he has to touch me. That was what I liked. What I wanted. What I had. But it wasn’t from the right person, was it?

“Because it wasn’t right.”

“That doesn’t automatically make it wrong.”

“So what is it then?” I asked getting a little frustrated. Nans looked at me as if I had asked the simplest question ever.

“A different choice.” She stated looking me in the eyes. I stared back into hers looking for…something, anything to give me some clue as to what she was thinking. Her sharp blue eyes held nothing but my own reflection and her wisdom. It made me anxious. I wondered what she saw in my eyes. Emptiness. Hope. Or a clueless teenager whose biggest problem should be what she was going to wear Monday to school. In that moment I was not in the party mood. I think Nans caught the mood because she nodded once and walked away. I wish it were that easy. I would just nod my head and walk away, from everything and everyone just so I wouldn’t have to choose. I took a deep breath and realized I had been sitting in this same spot for an hour. Talk about anti-social. I forced myself to get up and walk around the apartment.

“Sasha!” I heard someone squeal. I smiled in spite of myself, it was my little cousin Samantha. She ran up to me and I opened my arms.

“Oh I missed you so so so so so much!” She exclaimed. In all honesty I missed her too. She was my annoying little cousin Samantha until I babysat her last summer for a whole month, six days a week. Once I stopped ignoring her and started interacting with her I found out she wasn’t annoying, just very imaginative. Last summer, before I decided to set fire to the rain. Before Paris. Before Nina. Before…I dug this trench I was most likely never going to come out of in one piece. I shook away where my thoughts were leading and I swung the little girl around in my arms. Giving her back just as much love as she was showing me.

“I missed you too lamb chop.” I said squeezing her and laying a big kiss on her cheek. She giggled and hugged tighter. When I finally let her go she grabbed my hand and dragged me over to a chair nearby.

“Come Sasha, I have so many stuff to tell you.”

“You mean so many things?” I corrected.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” She shrugged as she sat on my lap.

“At school, remember that girl Ally I told you about last summer, anyway she had a boyfriend that liked me. But I didn’t like him. Then I did and then he didn’t like me anymore. So I told everyone not to talk to him and then…” As she continued to ramble on about her classmates and some girl I had no recollection of, I looked her over. She still had her pretty little green eyes that seemed bigger than the moon. Cute brown curly hair that matched her little oval face. Not one but two dimples in her adorable fat cheeks. Her expressions changed so frequently that it was hard to follow her story even though I was only half listening. She was charming even at her age of ten. As I listened I couldn’t help but wonder what she would be like when she’s my age…