Surviving Keith

Chapter 10: Toby

It took Marielle three months to really grasp the reality of it all.

At first, she tried to be okay--she would go to class, try to hang out with me after, but soon enough, she felt irritated and would just drag herself to class. It was torture, seeing her like that.

And then one day, yesterday to be exact, she called me and made a big decision.

"I want to see her," she said, "I want to see my mom,"

She got her biological mother's address from Carla three months ago.

"Now?" I said, "Marielle, that's a big decision."

"I know," she said, almost exasparatedly, "but I have to see her. I want to see her,"

Are you sure?"

"Yes," she said, "Pick me up, will you?"

***

And that was that. Thirty or so minutes later, we found ourselves driving to Albany where her mother resides. She was not speaking the whole ride through.I stopped the car. This was it. The address of the house. It was a loft near a park in Albany. Lush trees surrounded the houses in there.

"This is it," I said.

She took a deeo breath and looked at me, "Do I look okay?" she asked.

It was so unusual of her to ask that, but I guess, a part of her wanted to be beautiful enough for this woman who once left her.

I smiled lightly. "You're always perfect to me, you know."

She sighed, "I just...I just want her to see me at my best,"

"Marielle, you're great. It will be okay and if not--"

"Ssh," she said, "Come on,"

xx

They looked at each other. There's no mistaking that this woman who opened the door of the loft was Marielle's mother.

"Oh my god," Trinity said. Trinity's Marielle's mom. "Patricia...I...this is a surprise."

"I just...I just wanted to see you," Marielle stammered.

Trinity bit her lip, took a deep breath and asked us to come in. There were two little boys playing a video game in the living room and a wedding picture on the wall.

"Luke, Blaine, go to your room," Trinity said.

"But mom," one of the boys said.

"You heard me," Trinity said.

Luke and Blaine complained but soon enough, they took off the video game and brought teh console with them  to their room.

I held Marielle's hand. I knew she was trying to grasp the situation.

"Patricia," Trinity repeated, "What brought you here?" Her tone was stiff, without a trace of sympathy at all.

Marielle was stunned. She couldn't answer right away.

"Patricia," Trinity repeated.

"Dad...Dad's dead,"

Trinity took a deep breath, "I know,"

"You do?" Marielle asked, "But you never came...You never..."

Trinity sighed, "Do you actually expect me to be there? It's not my role anymore."

"Role? But you're my mother,"

"Trixie, look...Your father and I...It didn't work out, okay? I've a new life now. I've moved on ages ago. I think you should, too."

"But...but you're my mother," Marielle said. She was actually crying now.

"I'm sorry, Trixie," Trinity said, "but when I moved out of that house, I told myself that it was my chance to get another shot at life.  Your father and I...it was an arranged marriage and I didn't want to be part of it but I had no choice." She sighed, "And then Ben came and I finally found someone who will really love me and I thought, why shouldn't I take this chance? I tried to be a good mother to you, Trixie, but...it didn't work. I have my own family now. I love them and--"

"You don't love me?" Trixie's voice broke.

Trinity took a deep breath, "Trix," she said, "I tried...you know I did."

"Oh fuck you," Marielle said through tears.

Trinity was taken aback, "Patricia, you can't talk to me like that."

"Youknow what?" Marilel said, "I spent all this time hating my father, hating Carla, when it's really you I should hate. I shouldn't have come here. Thanks for your time. Toby, come on," she said and hastily walked out of the loft.

xxx

"I can't do this," Marielle said as we arrived inside their house, "Toby, I'm sorry, I can't,"

"You can't what?" I said, "Marilel, you're tired. Take a rest. Tomorrow you'll be okay. Marielle--"

"She doesn't love me," she cried again, "she doesn't."

"Well, who cares about her? I'm here. I love you."

"I know," she said, "That's why I can't do this. I don't...What if I'm like her?"

"You know you're not."

"I need time," she said, "I can't go to art class...I can't...I can't do us."

"That's insane." I said, "Don't go to class if you don't want to, but don't break up with me just because of what happened with your parents."

"Toby," she said, "I love you. But right now...right now I have...I have to be with myself first."

"Marielle,"

"Please,"

An eternity of silence passed between us. 

"Is this really what you want?" I asked, my voice breaking.

"I just...I don't want to ruin you. Us. I need time."

I took a deep breath. "Okay," I said, "I'll just...I think I should go." I left. I did not look back at her. I can't. It was just too painful.