Pick Up The Pieces

Acceptance

For two years now I've labelled myself as asexual. Not because I was forced to. Not because I was influenced or it was the 'trend', and not because of the lifestyle us shinobi pursue. No, none of those reasons were correct.

I chose to be.

I chose to because I had the misfortune of returning to the apartment that Iz and I roomed in together to find him in the middle of, quite literally, fucking the brains out of the girl he had been seeing: Kaori. They honestly didn't hear me come home through the girl's shrill screams and squeals of "delight", and when it was far too late, I'd seen enough. To them, it would have just been a case of "classic pervert", but what I saw was something entirely different.

I saw myself.

I saw myself being pleasured and stroked by another guy. Not just any guy, no no, but Iz. I knew at that point I was jealous of the fact that it wasn't me in the sheets and I ended up feeling quite cut up about it. I was hurt for a number of reasons; one because I knew it was wrong to be gay, and the second was because it's what I've been subjected for the nineteen years I've been alive.

"If you like another man, there's something wrong with you."

"The normal way of love is between a man and a woman."

"Queers are disgusting. End of story."

It's just the way society in Konoha works. Abnormalities are just weird, which is hypocritical since it stems from a village populated by a bunch of ninja with a vast degree of strange and unnatural abilities. Go figure.

I decided at that point that from now on, I no longer wanted to be bothered with love and romance. Not that I had experienced what love was. As far as I'm concerned, my love is the way I care about both protecting this village and my friend. Especially Iz. I couldn't imagine life without him. I trusted with every article of my existence; simply, he was my best friend. And that's how I wanted it to be.

I developed a way of retaining and suppressing any emotions of attraction and lust. It was an uncommon jutsu, but not impossible. It primarily focused on genjutsu, and this is where I was successfully able to perfect it. Quite like a string someone ties around their finger to help them remember something, except in this case it was my bandage.

Yeah, I started wearing a bandage over my nose because of it. I told everyone it was just a new style I was going for, and thankfully it did look good on me. The purpose, however, of my fleshy material was to be a conductor. I had laced it with my chakra which, at any given time if I felt aroused, attracted or interested in someone, it started to burn. Nothing severe, but the burn would activate a genjutsu on myself and forced me to believe that I didn't have those feelings. I could still feel happiness and sadness, all of the primary emotions, but it eliminated desire.

At first it took quite some getting used to, because I never truly realised just how much I did get aroused daily. The first few weeks my hormones and emotions fluctuated up and down like a yo-yo to the point where I made myself ill. So I tried to calm myself down with comfort food, and it's how I became hooked on pure syrup. Not that I mind that too much. I fucking love syrup.

After a month or so, the use of my jutsu died down a little. I wasn't feeling ill any more but I'd walk around or wake up with these abstract "half-up, half-down" boners and that was painful. So I poured my soul into my training and literature. I worked so hard that I became so proficient in handling weapons that I developed my twin giant blades and conch-shell mace. I was so proud of my efforts that I continued to spar and train until I no longer required the need of my bandage. But I kept it on for two reasons; It was a memento of who I was and I looked weird without it on and two, it reminded me that if I put my mind to something, I could overcome anything.

I knew that my experiment was successful when Iz and I came home after our trip to the Land of Waves to go cliff diving. Amidst his clothes that I was washing I found a small shred of parchment with his writing on it.

'I + K', written inside a little heart.

I thought nothing of it. I no longer needed to. I figured it was about him and Kaori and I was no longer jealous. I felt nothing of it. So I partied, I went out on missions, I played cards. I involved myself around so many people that I was a notorious party animal who always drank too much and became the party.

That was probably the reason why I had freaked out so heavily nine years later, when Izumo pinned me to the wall of my own place, pressed his lips to mine and all of the feelings that I had forced dormant inside of me came seeping into my system again. My head and my heart conflicted so much that I felt like I was going to snap in two. My head screamed at me to stop, that this was all a joke and a nasty game of puppetry with my emotions; that this was wrong and it would just pave the way for criticism and hate. My heart told me that this was what I wanted, and all of the memories of me wasting time imagining some kind of perfect life with Iz bubbled up and clouded my thoughts.

I craved his touch and his attention. I wanted him to see me for everything that I could be. All of those years I had spent perfecting my façade now felt pointless and ridiculous. The idea of being with him made me sent a feeling of warmth through my abdomen, and I knew that all of the practiced control over my desire was relinquished and broken down to make way for almost a decades worth of arousal. Why did this have to feel so wrong but so right at the same time?

I wasn't prepared at all to have sex with with him. Or rather, him to have sex with me. It was painful, yet at the same time I couldn't hold back the excitement that it gave me. I honestly felt that a part of me was being restored though; that a piece of me that I had lost along the way growing up was welcoming me back home, that for once I was going to be complete again.

At that point my world was now inverted and everything I had fought and trained for was now coming undone. I knew there would be tribulations and hurdles to overcome, but I had someone by my side to help me through them. I couldn't stop myself from being who I was. If this was what bliss felt like, then I never should have tried.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

It's no wonder that Iruka made such a wonderful teacher. It was his ability to listen to people that made him so highly regarded. He nodded at all the appropriate moments, laughed and empathised as Kotetsu spouted off years and years of buried secrets. He felt lighter than air; an enormous weight dragged off of his shoulders and his muscles eased out the tension. Throughout the duration of his talking, they had managed to wipe out two and a half crates of sake, and their speech was impeded by slurs and hiccups. They did, however, laugh an enormous amount over trivial aspects of life such as copulation and past gatherings and parties.

He had to admit that without Iruka, he would probably not have even considered trying to live again. He may not have even been alive, technically, if it wasn't for the tanned-skinned chūnin who's shoulder he was resting on. Surprisingly, Iruka's skin was flaming hot: a natural warmth battling against the heat of the fire, which had burned down to a small pile of wood and glowing scarlet embers.

When people drink, they start to see things in a new light and don't stop to consider the ramifications of one's actions. Though, a drunken heart often speaks the truth, and at this point, Kotetsu felt that he loved Iruka almost as much as he loved Izumo. However, he wasn't even up to thinking rationally when he tipped his chin up and leaned in to close the distance between he and Iruka's lips.