2 A.M Musings

Pieces

I placed it down and signed next to my name. This was it. The last bit of connection left. The blue and white jersey felt soft in my hands. My first and last ever pair that never came to use. I placed it down on the wooden table. It was as though I was placing one of the many pieces of my heart with it on that broken table. I couldn't believe this was happening again. I couldn't believe I let them talk me into this again. I couldn't believe that I didn't have a strong enough heart or mind to work it out. Why did I always have to give up one of the two? People say you have to sacrifice a lot when it comes to pursuing your passion but I knew that I had more than enough time for both so why on earth was I giving this up? I think there's only one answer for half the things in my life that I regret: I'm weak. I'm too weak on the inside to make myself strong on the outside. 

I guess that's it...I'm weak and I'm lazy and I'm paying the price for it. I hate myself because of it. You might think that if I knew that this was the problem I would obviously try to change my mindset and do something about it, but, honestly, it's a question I ask myself every minute of every day. And I just come to resent myself more and more because of it. I hope I can overcome this one day. Till then that piece of my heart is going to stay with that jersey just like all the other pieces that I left with other things I had to let go of.

A/N: Coming back to this years later, I'm happy to say I have reached that day where I have overcome this and be able to do everything I want with a burning passion for it. I have come to love myself more and more and cannot even comprehend resenting myself. I know the little girl from the past probably resented herself and was angry and upset with herself for so many things but I am proud of her and the choices she made, I am proud of her for pushing through to find herself and continue finding herself.