An LGBT diary.

August 4th, 2013.

So, in order to begin this "diary," I'm going to give a little description about my life and myself.

Because I identify myself as Transgendered, things are a little different on this side of the screen. My sexuality kind of confuses me. I was born female, with female parts, but think of myself as a boy. We all know what a Trans* person is. My birth date was September 7th, 1998. That means I am ALMOST fifteen years old. I go through a lot of names, because I'm trying to find the right one for me. Currently I enjoy the name Emmerling, it's unique.

I am the youngest of eight. In a complicated way.. My Mother has five children. Twin girls, one was a still birth, Two boys, and then myself. My dad, who we found out wasn't my real dad a few years ago, has no children. He though two girls were his, but they ended up not. He was sterile, thinking he had three kids. The other women he was with cheated, and had one adopted boy. So that's us. My mother is a little "different," I guess. You'll learn. My Father passed away. In three days it will have been a year ago.

This won't be much about family, I don't think, but none of my family get along. The Twin moved to California, she was adopted at a few months old. My brother and I were in Foster care together for a year. He was adopted and I was sent with someone that ended up not being my dad. Our other brother lived with his dad, and my two sisters lived on their own.

From ages four to ten, I moved ten times. From my Dad in Kansas, to my Aunt in California. It was always because my dad was in prison. At age eleven, I met my mother for the second time in my life, and we ran away to here, North Carolina. I've lived here for four years. My Mother isn't very bad.. but she isn't stable. She has Bipolar Personality Disorder, so she snaps all the times into a whole ne person. She doesn't know how to be a parent. I hate bashing on her, but she is very immature and can be abusive.

NOW AWAY FROM ALL THAT SHIT. :D

I have two best friends in the entire world. Their names are Colt and Ariel. I love them both with every bit of my heart. I've known Ariel for four years in September, and Colt about two and a half years. I'd do anything for those two. Literally. Both of them are my everything.

Colt is turning Twenty in December, Ariel is turning fourteen in September. My school life is pretty decent, I guess, socially. In middle school I had enough friends, and hardly any enemies because I was so known for fights. I'm scared for all of that now, a reputation, or losing my loved ones. Neither Colt nor Ariel live near me now, but we do our best.

My Freshman year begins in 22 days. I'm nervous and excited. I'm ready for school, but I'm not ready to deal with people. I don't know whether to come out as Trans* or stay hidden away. I have ALWAYS been that one tomboy. I've always had short hair, dyed hair, razor cut hair. Anything but natural. This is only the second haircut I've had that does not have bangs hiding my eyes.

The thing about high school, is that I get severe panic attacks. If I go out in public, it's okay for about an hour and a half, but then I get deathly sick to my stomach. With High School, I get panic attacks knowing I HAVE to stay for nine hours. It's horrifying. If I didn't get sick to my stomach, I'd be just an average teen. I wouldn't really care that I was going to an all new school, except that I may be very intrigued or reluctant.

Honestly, just thinking about it or typing it out now is giving me anxiety. I feel like throwing up now. It's something I need to get over.

Now, over with social and on with actual education, I'm NO good there. My entire life, I've been set in advanced classes. Always. Beginning in Middle School, by grades haven't gone anywhere. I remain in Advanced, and for High school I'm planned to be in honors. I'm no good, I get low grades. Whenever I'm curious about why, I always get a "We see you have potential, you just aren't trying."

About every year I give myself the "You can do this," speech. We all do. Like New Years Resolutions. We tell ourselves we swear to do better, to try, etc. Every year I tell myself I'll get good grades and never do. I still pass, but I don't try to. I end up giving up and getting depressed. So, this year I won't give myself that speech. I'm not reassuring myself this month.

I think this is enough for one day. I hope that gives you some insight of me. c: