An LGBT diary.

December 12th, 2013~

A lot of drama has occurred lately..~ Sorry I've not been filling in. I guess it's not worth telling, it's just school things. I even fought today, my hands absolutely crushed. Long explanation. It's not too important, so I won't talk about it unless things escalate.

So, during class I had a minor depression fit that I managed to push away with two/three hours. Through that minor depression I wondered, what will hell be like when I get there? Hell is indeed inevitable for me, if there is one. I came to the conclusion it'd be whatever I feared most. So I added all of those things and made my own hell in my head.

The first thing would be anything getting near my eyes. I have a huge phobia of eyes. Such as seeing people get stabbed/poked/eye pulled out on TV? Can't do it. I'll vomit in minutes.

The second? Mirrors. I'm horrified of reflections. Not because I find myself unattractive or tried one too man Bloody Marys. I'm just.. Genuinely afraid. I'm afraid my reflection will contort to a face that I am not making. Or I'll look at the mirror from the shower and see someone standing there, glaring at me from it.

The third? Water.

Fourth? My mother when she's angry.

Fifth? My sleeping paralysis.

So many more I thankfully did not bother to think of.

 This is what I image my hell would be like.

Laying down, maybe on a table, with needles, daringly close to my eyes. Surrounded by a room of mirrors with someone glaring/staring at me. Or myself doing things that I am not doing. But if I even peek, the needles would get closer. I have no availability to move. To blink. Anything. In the distance, beyond where I could even look if I attempted, my mother screaming at me. I can hear her storming through and approaching but she never gets closer.. Ugh. Don't leave me alone with my thoughts, please.

But that's the bad part. My depression, anxiety, nerves and over-exaggerating mind are back. I'm always thinking, too hard over minor things, flaws. It's all back, and coming in waves, each longer than the last. I keep getting these minor images, memories, in my mind, of all the terrible things said to me.

Why don't you kill yourself?

Faggot.

Fatass.

You're the least important thing in the world to me.

Every things back, and usually I'm able to like.. shake these off and out of my head, but now I just can't and it's getting worse and I'm getting scared and panicky. Every things back. Throughout seventh and eighth, I'd panic so bad I'd skips weeks of school at a time. I'd vomit water, food. All of it and I can feel that coming back too. The lack of wanting to see my friends, the reluctance of waking up or being awake at all, out of bed, in public. The panic attacks are here. It won't be long until I can't leave the house again.

It almost makes me want to break down, but I can't. I'm just.. So upset.

Why is it back?

What did I do?

What's going on and how can I fix it?

Things are just off lately.. Hopefully they'll ware off, but it took a year and a half last time.~ Mnf. Wish me luck loved ones.

I'm really sorry for all of my silence.